Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

[Hormonalorjustified]

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

My parents were Silent Generation, not Boomer. Yes my mom smoked around me. She had the telly on all day long. She'd talk to her best friend on the phone every morning for a couple of hours. She didn't hover over me and engage me in constant conversation. I spent every sunny day outside getting into scrapes. But she was keenly interested in my well being. My father was fortunate enough to be home during school holidays as he was a teacher, so I saw him a lot, too. He spent his spare time reading, watching television and took an hours long walk every day. But my memories of him as a child was very involved with me.

Both of my friends parents were available to me when I needed them. They listened to me with interest. They were loving... You don't have to be eyeballs on 24/7 to do that.

And absolutely not at 5am.

Kids are probably sent to bed too early. Keep them up later!

And they don't need to be helicoptered at 5 am for a few hours either IMV.

So, the only time he spends with them, he chooses to spend watching random stuff. And this distracts him enough that he doesn't hear them talking to him, and doesn't notice accidents.

It's crazy so many people are defending this.

On the off chance you read this far, OP (wouldn't blame you if you didn't, so many repeated points and failure to read properly!):

I wonder what his memories of his father are? Good memories of doing things together, or someone distant who never took an interest? It might be a way to raise the issue without him feeling attacked.

I wonder how he'd feel if you were doom scrolling during sex! (Less positive way to frame the issue!)

Can he spend more quality time with them during the weekend?

YANB remotely U.

'So many defensive people in denial on this thread. Yes, you, habitually scrolling on your phone in front of your children. You are psychologically harming them in a profound way. You are causing them trauma and they will need therapy when they are older. Dismiss it all you like but maybe have a look at the scientific evidence first.'

5am. It is 5am. As the op has a terrible sleep routine going on with them, all they can do is manage the early wake ups. As they don't seem to do what everyone else does and tell them to stay in bed or bring them into bed with them then ignoring them and not interacting is the best way forward. To play and chat would be madness.

The op should not be policing her dp's parenting unless she never uses her phone in the DC's presence at all.

This could be solved by the OP and her husband retraining their children’s routines. I would (and did) treat 5 am as they did if they woke at 1 am. It is not morning time or play time, it’s nighttime. Unless they’re going to bed at 5 pm, mine would not be getting enough sleep if they woke at 5 am. I do appreciate some children don’t need 11-12 hours sleep.

Interacting and playing games with your children at 5 am is fun for them, so they have no motivation to go back to sleep. They’ve not been encouraged to go back to sleep or stay in their rooms because being up with mummy or daddy is much more exciting!

Under usual circumstances, I would say this was pretty below par parenting. However, the man is getting up at 5 am to give his pregnant wife a rest and then going to do a full day of work. If OP ends up a single parent, she could indeed see how easy it is to all do that, if she wants??! I would let this slide given the time of day. If the children are otherwise getting interaction, they won’t be psychologically damaged by a couple of hours.

I could not agree more.

“I need therapy because my dad let me play with my toys while he ignored me at 5 am for 2 hours a day when I was a toddler.”

In an otherwise happy and loving home, it’s extremely offensive to those who have experienced trauma to compare this. It’s below average parenting, not abuse or neglect.

It puzzles me that you've had/are having so many children with a man when you know little about his parenting techniques. Is the first time he's looked after the children?

And do you work? If you divorced, you may have to work to support yourself financially and it isn't a given you'd have the children more than your husband- he may want 50/50 or close to it.

@Wooloohooloo , OP says he has been getting up early with the children throughout her pregnancy so she can get some extra sleep .

If he's not engaging / chatting / helping / saying "oooh cool castle you've built there buddy" then that's really bad for them.

I strongly disagree. It's not been proven that children need this multiple times an hour, not at all.

There's an argument that doing this reduces the intrinsic drive to creativity and curiosity (ie Buddy only builds a castle to get praise rather than out of curiosity).

Kids do not need constant parental hovering. They really don't. And it's really only a recent thing that anyone expects it.

I wonder how he'd feel if you were doom scrolling during sex! (Less positive way to frame the issue!)

Wtaf. How can you think to compare these situations. My mind actually boggles - I can only assume/hope you don't have small kids.

The irony of OP furiously typing away on a MN thread whilst criticising her DH for being on his phone is not wasted

not even at 1 years old? They do need supervision surely?

Letting them up?! As a mother of a 5.5 year old who still wakes at 530am daily it’s hardly a choice is it!!

As the op has a terrible sleep routine going on with them, all they can do is manage the early wake ups.

Why does the OP have a terrible sleep routine going on with them? Are they not both parents?

Why on earth is the OP repeatedly blamed or told she needs to fix the children's sleep routine when the DH is the one actually up and attending to them?

He can fix their sleep routine, as an equal parent. And if he'd spend a bit of time doomscrolling instead looking up the best way to do this maybe everyone would be having better sleep.

He's supervising, just not hovering "hey buddy nice tower".

I'm taking the scratch and bump with a huge pinch of salt because op hasn't said where they are.

When toddlers learn to walk they are constantly bumping their shins and knees. At that age my dd was always coming back from nursery with a new little bruise in the shin/hip area from bumping into stuff or tripping over. Sometimes the staff had seen it happen, sometimes not. But she was spending hours playing outside (and inside) on climbing frames, trikes etc and having a whale of a time. The odd bump or scratch is very very normal for an active healthy toddler.

I'm well aware that parenting is hard. I'm also well aware of the challenges of single parenting. Been there/ bought the T shirt.

I disagree that this is petty. The man is phoning it in.

My comment you quoted was in response to a silly post warning the OP that challenging her husband's lies and his piss poor approach to keeping his children safe would result in Losing Her Man, as if that were a fate worse than death.

How on earth have previous generations coped before our ridiculous helicopter parenting trends came along? If your point was true we’d have most of the working + older population in therapy for their ‘traumatic’ childhoods. Kids used to be left to play on their own and (shock horror) use their own imagination + initiative. Constant parent attention is equally unhealthy and unnecessary - the current generation of kids + teens growing up completely dependent on their parents and unable to think for themselves is proof of this.

He never pays the kids quality attention. Have you lived with someone who never gives you their full attention? Says, "I'm listening!" but doesn't break eye contact with the screen? I have and the relationship didn't last.

All relationships need some focussed attention some of the time. His DC are getting none from him.

I was here last night - the posts were coming in thick and fast

There have always been people looking out for the babies and toddlers, though. It was older siblings or aunts or neighbours or all the local children all hanging out together.

The toddler is getting injuries and the Dad can't say what happened. We're not asking for helicopter parenting, just a bit of responsibility!

This.

It's not a problem. The husband is correct, OP needs to chill out.

I’ve seen the three wise monkeys on here
a lot of denial
addictive personalities
more denial
its 5am!!
train them yeah right
later bed time yeah crabbit kid in the morning as that’s their normal waking hour yeah it might only be for a few years or it could be forever