Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

[Hormonalorjustified]

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

@Janiie @Italianita

5am is NOT playtime

the kids should be in bed not up and having a parent interact with them

Well we might be. A 12 month old crying is a crying baby in my book, unless I've missed it somewhere we dont know exactly how old her 1 yo is.

I also wouldn't ignore a crying 3 year old.

I find it very unusual you wouldn't interact with your child but it takes all sorts I suppose.

Kids need their sleep. There is a plethora of evidence that states poor sleep equals poor behaviour and development . The op is displaying poor parenting choices imo by encouraging these 5am starts, and if she wants 'interaction' then that is indeed encouraging.

Soothe, comfort quietly and keep them in their bedrooms until a reasonable hour. If they won't do that then phone use is the least of their problems going forward.

I can't help thinking if a man had posted this exact same scenario the other way around he would have absolutely had his arse handed to him.

I'm a bit on the fence with this. Firstly I think there is a good chance that Youtube has autoplayed those videos in succession. Secondly, it really depends what the children were doing. If they were close by/independently playing I wouldn't interfere with that. If of course they were doing something dangerous/actively seeking attention that is a bit different.

I think the point is though-your husband is doing what few would do-voluntarily getting up much earlier than he needs to for work to allow you extra sleep whilst pregnant-and then going off to work full time. It doesn't make him a saint, but it does mean he is making an effort.

You also have to accept two parents will often have different approaches in many things-and mostly, that is a good thing-it gives balance-one parent cannot direct all the decisions on parenting. It is compromise both ways. As long as your children get love and attention, I doubt very much this is as harmful as some replies suggest. Teaching independent play is also very important developmentally. Moreover, this is short term, whilst in the later stage of pregnancy? I think I would take the extra sleep whilst you can!

I think this problem will solve its self I think you’ll find yourself on your own with 3 kids

there seems zero room for compromise and what you says goes

just because your phone has a video running doesn’t mean it’s got your undivided attention
at night I can be watching a film and browsing at same time

think you need to unclench

@Hownowbrownsheep. Swapping the scenario for smoking rather than phone use is an interesting point. On reflection, I feel differently towards the phone use around his kids than if the father were smoking. I would have more of an issue if he were smoking. But my point about him being an equal parent stands, so if he insisted on smoking I don’t see how I could stop him. Just my opinion.

You've posted twice, with a smiling emoji, that if/when you divorce, you'd still have your kids all the time. How? You'd have to get a job.
Why does he keep impregnating you when he refuses to parent? Is he a bit thick?

It seems like your main issue is the quality of time your husband is spending with the children? Which I agree is not great for him or the kids. So what can you do together to rectify this? I don’t think the answer is having him get up at 5am to be with them before heading out to a 10?12?14? hour work day. How can you and your husband find a way that he is able to be around more in the early evening to spend time better quality time with them? Can he reduce his hours?

They aren’t crying babies.

Any emotionally healthy and functioning person does not dictate in a partnership, that’s very telling of your character. You may find “going mad” and asserting aggressive behaviour acceptable within a household of infants but most thankfully do not because it’s equally as damaging to them. Issues should always be discussed calmly with both parties open to hearing the other persons opinions and compromise. That’s how having a healthy partnership with young children works. There are more issues at play than just him not being as focused as he should be. The OP doesn’t think he should have his phone around the children altogether. Plenty of people are capable of doing both. We have seen the OP has “told” her husband the way she wants it, but we’re yet to hear how she wishes for it to be achieved on her terms? She has said she has witnessed this ‘on occasion’ but has been happy enough to ignore it when it suits until her child has had an accident and received a nasty cut. Not really poor OP, both should be trying much harder. Better question, why is the OP repeatedly having children with this same man who can’t be bothered to parent his children and constantly betrays her? You can’t have it both ways and vilify one person when both are evidently culpable.

They aren’t crying. They’re playing.

Sorry but you sound hard work OP

Also you need to find a way to stop them getting up so early, especially the older one

I assume he’s going out to work so getting breakfast, ready and heading out the door by 8am for a full day?

I think it’s easy for everyone to say how he should spend his hours in the morning. Not knowing what he does for work, but maybe he is conserving his energy for the day ahead. Obviously neglecting the children isn’t ok, but I think there’s a compromise here and maybe you should be asking him if he’s ok rather than being silently angry about it.

@Zoreos not to mention the OP hasn't managed to tell us how she came across this information. It's pretty obvious she went into his phone and checked his phone history to be able to see which YouTube videos he's been watching and when.

Sometimes people become so fixated on their views on children's health and development that they can't see the woods for the trees - like keeping on with breastfeeding when your baby is losing weight and you're developing PTSD. Or when your obsession with screen time causes your husband to watch YouTube in secret and the whole thing spirals until your family falls apart.

@MeinKraft she has. You can select to view only the OPs posts.

I completely agree. To be fair I do think she said something about viewing the shared access internet which shows a full break down of what videos are played and for how long. Although as pp have pointed out, YouTube/facebook/instagram shorts play on loop automatically so it’s difficult to ascertain how much or little he’s actually focusing on the children. Im not trying to disprove what she is saying but I find it odd that a man who is willing to get up in the early hours to give his wife a break could also be neglecting his children to the extent the OP claims. Generally, as seen time and again on here, if your OH is that much of a shit they won’t give you a lie in at all especially spontaneously. Obviously he should though and he’s not a saint for doing the right thing morally. I must admit with regards to the internet breakdown, I’ve never personally heard of such a thing. I do think to research that far into it is batshit IF you have seen/heard for yourself that your husband has been ignoring your children in favour of their phone multiple times. I absolutely agree, everything in moderation is important otherwise restrictions lead to unhealthy obsessions such as restrictive diets and eating disorders. There’s nothing wrong with screen time in moderation with other activities in the daytime. These days with young school children being taught subjects like coding through the national curriculum it’s pretty much unavoidable but can be sensibly monitored. The OPs husband needs to find the adequate balance between using his phone and supervising his children. On the other hand, the OP needs to stop policing his internet access because it’s controlling and a deeply unhealthy behaviour to expose her children to. He’s not doing anything wrong by using his devices in his own home, he’s obviously the main breadwinner and entitled to unwind how he wishes. Albeit, not whilst he should be watching his children. The issue for me is that she’s policing it because she doesn’t believe they should be around it at all but presumably she knew his hobbies before choosing to have three children with him and they all live in the same house.

Surely you’d not allow him to carry on supervising your children knowing he had done this though? Which by her own admission she has done. She only decided to delve into the depth of his phone use once the child had been hurt but had already witnessed him ignoring the children previously. Zero sympathy from me I’m afraid if this truly is the case. Both as bad as one another. Posters like yourself seem to be incensed by the fact (rightly so) that he’s done it, but not at the OP for letting him looking after them knowing he’s done it. Why is that, because she’s a woman? Why is the standard of parenting lower for men than it is women?

2-3mins long = Youtube shorts. They autoplay on your feed as you scroll down. They also autoplay if you don't scroll actually, like if you put your phone down and leave it unlocked. They're not videos – it's hard to find videos under 10mins on Youtube these days.

I'd say damaging if constant but for 5am, or emergency times like sitting next to your child on an early plane/train, I think it's fine – what's the difference between that and say reading?

It's dumb to send your child to bed at a time that means they wake up at 5am anyway

The waking up at 5am. Absolutely.

I agree with this.
If you're not happy get up and do it yourself. Between 5 and 7 no rules apply about screens.

I would however say that this can't be great for his mental health but that's another problem...

Jesus you sound like hard work

I hear you and agree.

It's an awful message for kids that a caregiver is ignoring them for 2 solid hours. If he's not engaging / chatting / helping / saying "oooh cool castle you've built there buddy" then that's really bad for them.

The picture painted isn't a one off. It isn't occasionally.

It's 2 solid hours every single day.

And he lied about it

The fact someone has a video running in there phone doesn’t mean we are engrossed and ignoring what’s going on or engaging with what’s around them
I’m watch tele at the same time as being in here

So many defensive people in denial on this thread. Yes, you, habitually scrolling on your phone in front of your children. You are psychologically harming them in a profound way. You are causing them trauma and they will need therapy when they are older. Dismiss it all you like but maybe have a look at the scientific evidence first.

It's a form of withdrawl called bystander ignorance and it is seriously damaging. No, you are not multi-tasking, that's not how your babies see it when they glance up at your blank vacant face staring at this thing that you carry everywhere and they interpret as more important than them.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/321168013_The_influence_of_parental_smartphone_use_eye_contact_and_'bystander_ignorance'_on_child_development

https://academic.oup.com/hcr/article/49/3/285/7010694

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563217303722

https://journals-sagepub-com.bris.idm.oclc.org/doi/full/10.1177/2050157919846916

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8048888/

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_happens_when_you_use_your_phone_around_your_kids

When our kids grow up they will be shocked and horrified in the same way as our reaction to Boomer parents smoking around us.