Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

[Hormonalorjustified]

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

Would you be happier if he read a novel? Is it the phone that you're hacked off about? If he's up at 5am with them, and you're in bed, I say he can do what he wants.

But I would never be glued to my phone watching YouTube whilst supposedly minding my children. I think that’s problematic and I wouldn’t be able to parent a toddler and a small child effectively that way. It’s feckless!

So what do the children do whilst he's watching YouTube on his phone? I don't see how it's possible to do that with 2 toddlers unless they're both on the iPad.

But, as I’ve said repeatedly, he didn’t have to get up with them! I would rather he didn’t if this is his idea of parenting.

of course a book would be better. 1) it sets a good example 2) it doesn’t have blue screens around the children 3) it’s not addictive

its still not giving 100% but it would be a vast improvement.

Yes, therein lies my question really. Either they are playing unsupervised or they are on the iPad and he’s lying

Two hours is a total failure of parenting and basically failing at following through with what's been agreed. I'd feel so let down. He's basically letting them fend for themselves because he can't be arsed to parent.

Thank you - this is how I feel. It’s not like a 15 min waking up break or something it’s the ENTIRE TIME he’s with them

And not look at his phone for a single second because mummy says so? Is he allowed to look out the window or go to the toilet? I can't understand how unable you are to see how unreasonable you are being. Is this a family home or a boot camp? Seriously, unwind a little before you push him away.

I agree with you here wholeheartedly. I feel sad when I notice parents ignore their children because they're glued to their phones when out and about and think wow it must be even worse at home when they're probably plonked in front of a TV too. I'm sure my husband would be one of those parents if we weren't together because he doesn't see the issue but follows my lead.

Personally I don't go on my phone in front of my baby and toddler unless it's during night feeds or I'm receiving a phone call I can't return during nap times. It sets a bad example and also would cause carnage whilst they weren't being actively parented.

Get a grip. You have some rather interesting ideas of what a failure of parenting is.

I guess I have a higher bar than just keeping them fed and alive hey?

How do you know the amount he's been watching? Did you go through his phone?

You come across as very self righteous OP and "if I wouldn't do it then he shouldn't". I know you've said 'you agreed' he wouldn't do this but would he have had an option to disagree? It doesn't sound like it.

I do think you're being hormonal and I feel a bit sorry for him. I think you should either take it in turns to get up, or you compromise (the kids get TV for one hour). You can't bulldoze him into doing everything the way you want it done, when you're not doing it! Pregnant or not.

I used to put the tv on and go back to sleep on the sofa if my eldest woke early at this age!
By the 2nd child we had an iPad so would let this watch it in our bed while we dozed.

Pre-7am is too early to do parenting in my opinion.

@CheeryPye yes! So much this.

5am wake ups are hell. I literally sat there with a cup of tea and some inane programme on whilst I came round. Baby/toddler balanced on knee.

Both DC are teenage now and funnily enough they are well adjusted, balanced people...

can you honestly not see the difference between using the loo/checking your phone a bit, and being on it 100% of the time whilst looking after your children?!

I despair at how people parent / no wonder children have so many behavioural issues and teachers are on their knees

When DD used to be up that early you bloody bet I used to doom scroll until a reasonable hour. If they’re in danger because he’s paying zero attention, or disrupting your sleep rendering it pointless, that’s different, but otherwise I couldn’t make myself be annoyed about this.

But how do you know it's 100%?! Have you spied on him, gone through his phone?

Does he supervise them 5-7am and then go to work full time?

Maybe he thinks you need to sleep until 7am but fundamentally disagrees that he's damaging them by using his phone, so he's opted for getting up and lying about how he supervises them.

I think a lot of people, me included, would just let you do it then, then you know it's up to scratch. So in a way I kind of admire the fact that he's continued unnecessarily getting up at 5am.

If you separated, they'd get his parenting style for 50% of the time and probably be largely unscathed. Might be time for a compromise.

Don't be daft. There is a happy middle ground between what OP's dh does and what you're suggesting.

YANBU OP. The kids deserve better quality time with their df than having him glued to a screen the entire 2 hours.

I am curious: How have you recently discovered this?

Totally agree with you. Tell himself to kick himself up the arse and set a good example for his kids, he’s showing them the phone is more important than him. Why do so many parents find it hard to be present? Put the phone down!!

If my children wake up at 5am and I’m the one that gets up with them, no one’s going to tell me how I should be looking after them. You said you don’t like them to watch TV but he’s putting things on for himself? You’re saying that he can sit there with a cuppa and ‘chip in’ with what the children are doing. What if he doesn’t want to do that at 5am? At 5am my eyes are barely open.

If you’re so bothered by it then it makes sense for you to wake with the children. I don’t personally see the issue in what he’s doing. I say this as a mum to a 1&2 year old

I know it’s 100% because there was an incident today with DS and I became suspicious and checked the (shared internet) usage. It’s 100% of the time.

no, I’m not sorry I checked

Since when do children need quality time every single minute of every single day? They particularly don’t need an all-singing all-dancing interactive parenting experience at 5am because if anything is likely to encourage them to keep on waking up early it’s that, not Peppa bloody pig.

He does - which is why he’s had months from me hailing him as the best and most supportive father and husband! this is his only time with them all week as they are asleep when he’s home so it’s also a shame he doesn’t want to be present for it!