Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

[Hormonalorjustified]

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

I can't get past the fact at the ages of 1 and 3 they also have ipads.
But then I suppose that's what it is this day and age.

You are both BU.

OP, you shouldn’t police his phone usage when he’s on the graveyard shift, he’s an adult.

He is BU if he’s not paying proper attention to them but you admit you’ve only seen this on occasion. Very young children are prone to hurting themselves so it can be very difficult to ascertain how things are done. If this accident was potentially as serious as you claim under his watch then why have you, phone or not allowed him to carry on getting up with them until now? Why has it taken a MN post for you to be safeguarding your children if he’s not capable of doing it? If hes not supervising them adequately then he shouldn’t be watching them alone.

My second point, you say you believe the children are waking up early because your husband is feeding them breakfast when they wake up. This isn’t him constantly ignoring them for two whole hours and neglecting them is it? You actually don’t have proof of him not supervising them for long periods of time by the sounds of it. I think he could be supervising them adequately without over stimulating them for two hours and if he has his phone with him you would still find argument with him.

One thing you’ve not enlightened us with is what you actually do with them between the hours of 5-7? What would you have him do with them if you’re trying to establish a better sleeping routine? You say TV isn’t as bad as screen time, personally I totally disagree. Growing up in an era where phones and tablets didn’t exist in the capacity they do today, many children were still addicted to TV and they were also used as a non human babysitting service. Do you just plonk them in front of the TV then? Or are you doing activities with them that are over stimulating them early in the morning that encourage them to wake up earlier? Have you communicated what you think is better for him to be doing with them? This early in the morning neither parenting approach can win. There needs to be some form of compromise on both sides because screen time usage itself when coupled with periods of structured learning activities ie. Imaginative play, painting etc won’t cause behavioural problems. However, a lack of consistent parenting, one parent being witnessed to control and berate the other, or growing up in a household that’s overly strict or filled with arguments and tension is far more damaging for them.

@ironedcurtain what time do you think is a good time to put children to bed? Because mine go to bed around 9pm, like most of their peers and two out of the 3 are up at 5/6am. I'm not willing to keep them up much later than that, for a plethora of reasons. This has been our routine for years.

Oh calm yourself down with the “parents today!” despair, the line you’ve quoted sounds far more like it’s DH’s or a joint iPad, not individual iPads for the toddlers.

I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone.

I understand how you discovered this just on one day but how do you know he's doing it daily if you're asleep at these times ?

Sorry OP but I'm barely functioning at 5am and I do the exact same thing. I get a coffee, curl up on the sofa and faff on my phone while the kids happily play with their toys. About 6am, when the caffeine hits my brain, I start to become a normal, functioning human again. We then have breakfast and get into the routine of the day where I am not on my phone.

As long as the kids are happy and safe, I don't see what the issue is.

YANBU.
Parents ignoring their children in favour of the phone is more damaging than screen time in many ways, no matter what time of day it happens.

I get you OP. The husband being with the children from 5-7am, glued to his phone is not good. What do people who support him think tens of generations before us did without a little screen to keep us entertained? That's right, they were attentive to their children.

He may just not be that interested in his his own children, enjoy spending time with them or feel it's his 'job' to engage with them.

Has he ever said I'll do that 'for you?'

And another one on the way, you say?

What time are they going to bed? The clock going forward will help, what was 5am is now 6am, just don’t bring their bedtime forward.

This is entirely normal. Anyone who would have any issue with this entirely normal human behaviour has serious issues.

lying in your bed while your partner does the 5-7am including breakfast etc and actually having the cheek to judge and the audacity to be angry is just…..I have no more words.

i do actually. It’s abusive.

No they weren’t. All the evidence is that parents throughout history spent far less time being “attentive” to their children than today. I’m 40, if I’d been up that early my options would all have involved amusing myself while my mum or dad read, slept, listened to the radio or did chores.

😂
If you were one of the lucky one back in my day. I was born in 82 and learnt from a young age how to entertain myself. Family nights at the fire station was left to our own devices with a can of coke and a packet of chips while everyone played pool, drank beer and smoked.

What time do they go to bed at night?

If I had to be up at 5am every day I would be a absolute zombie unless I could sleep from 9.30pm.

I don't have any memories of my parents playing with me. My mum was constantly doing housework, cooking or doing some kind of adulting while I got on with stuff in the background. If I told my mum I was bored, I would be promptly handed a pair of Marigolds and directed to the bathroom with a bottle of Flash. I soon learned not to be bored, and the same rule applies in my house now!

Same. At my grandparents, where I'd stay most school holidays, I wasn't allowed to disturb them till 9am! Good job I liked reading.

I think your behaviour he is incredibly controlling. He is as much their parent as you are - he has the right to decide to look after them as he sees fit, providing he is not abusing them (and he isn't).

The fact that you looked at his internet usage is controlling and abusive in my opinion and I hope he thinks carefully about whether he still wants to be in this marriage.

Your children won't be harmed by their dad being on his phone. They have the potential to be harmed by your certainty that you know better than the adult you chose to have children with and have the right to control his actions.

while my mum or dad read, slept, listened to the radio or did chores

All of the above (except sleeping) are beneficial for children to watch their parents do. Promoting independent play is really important. Watching them use smartphones is what is damaging. It is not a binary between 'attentive' and 'on phone', there is an option to not be on a phone or pouring constant attention on your child

I agree with this.

OP..a little context for you. My DS is 8. He gets up every morning, earlier than the rest of the house. He comes to my room, wakes me and proceeds downstairs. I follow shortly after. He pops on YouTube whilst I make coffee, let the dog out, put on washing, and then sit with my coffee for half an hour. Every day, same routine. He has more than the daily recommended screen time each morning. He is generally watching Lego building videos. His brain is rotten, he has zero manners and is behaviourally off the scale. I jest...he's actually the most intellectual child, he's way above average in terms of reading, he is a font of knowledge, often telling me things I don't know. He is active, we climb mountains, kayak, spend lots and lots of time outside with the dog. He reads himself to sleep each night. He is polite and humorous. And yet, by your standards, he's a bad kid and I a bad parent. Perhaps rethink your very rigid parenting approach, understand the world we live in now a little more otherwise as your children get older you will have issues and they won't relate to your DH's doomscrolling.

@Ilovelurchers your children won't be harmed by their dad being on his phone.

Please do share the evidence you are basing this on?? Because there are several thousand studies showing the opposite.

A 1 and 3 year old NEED better care than an adult stuck to a phone screen for two hours!!!

Sorry but a 1 and 3 year old NEED better care than an adult stuck to a phone screen for two hours!!!

They would have been ignored or plonked in front of the telly.

The op has made a rod for everyone's back playing and interacting at 5am. Good on the dh for ignoring them and hopefully discouraging 5am starts.

you're comparing your child screen use to OPs case which is parental screen use? How are these comparable?

Also, do you conduct your morning rituals in secret from your DP despite DP having stated they they are unhappy with you treating your child this way?

If not, your example is completely irrelevant.

Side note, it's funny how MNers always 'pop' the TV on to make screentime sound all wholesome and innocent.