Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

[Hormonalorjustified]

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

Must I state the obvious? It won't work in a night or two or weeks... Common sense will tell you it'll take months or even a year to reset their sleep cycle from going to bed at stupid early o clock!

YABU and controlling. You’ve asked him to look after the kids and leave you in bed. This is how he chooses to do it. Just let him get on with it…or make your kids stay in bed later.

I'd be more worried if he was reading a book. I think it's easy to have an eye on the kids while watching a stupid YouTube video but a book takes a lot more of your attention.

@MariaVT65 If you're still tired then maybe 9pm isn't early enough. Early starts are crap, needing early nights and having zero adult time is crap, broken nights are awful, raising small children is completely exhausting and watching babies for hours can be mind-numbingly boring and the temptation to find entertainment and connection on a phone is strong.

What’s the difference between someone looking at their phone and someone reading a book?

Brain activity. One turns you into an obvlious zombie the other doesn't. Not to mention what you are modelling. Just try it out - when you use your phone around kids they tend to demand your attention more, can sense you are absent, want to know what exciting thing you are looking at. With a book they can sense you are more present, you are more responsive and they soon see that a dull page with words does not look enticing and leave you to it, secure in the knowledge that you are semi-present. Hunt, Gather, Parent has a great chapter on this.

Unless i misread, Op is not saying that her DH tells the kids to sod off if they want something from him.

He didn't notice his child sustain an injury

I'm guessing you're feeling defensive and angry because you spend a lot of time glued to your phone in front of your children?

'I wouldn't be leaving my bed at five am. Kids would either be put back to bed until at least six or brought in mine with iPad/tv. Given you are pregnant it's good of your partner to take kids down and give you a rest. I'd be pretty grateful for that arrangement.'

This.

You kids shouldn't be up at 5am. They certainly shouldn't be allowed to play and tbh the less interaction from the adult the better to discourage them from getting up! Kids are similar to dogs in that respect, the less encouragement and reward you give them the less incentive they have to get up.

If you must talk about 'parenting fails', then the parent not playing games with them at 5am is not one.

Hmm - I’m unconvinced. If I’m reading a good book I’m just as likely to be ignoring what’s going on around me as if I’m on mumsnet on the phone or watching a show on my iPad.
I’d focus a lot less on what his chosen activity is and a lot more on the not actually supervising. It’s surely the latter that is the real issue.

Hormones are always seemingly a cast iron excuse for batshit behaviour. That’s been rolled out in the very first sentence by the OP.

for any parent, the 5-7am shift with small kids is just about getting through it. To be judged by someone else who is lying in their bed every day through that time would be sickening.

Tough shit. You are insane and damaging your family with your extremism.

it will not end well.

Op has mentioned that she suspects DH is feeding breakfast to 1yr old at 5am, not later as she would. Their 3yr old is waking 6/7am would also having be having breakfast. Possible nappy changes for both?

There are at least 2 activities being preformed between 5am and 7am, that are being discounted to maintain the narrative "he's on his phone 100% of the 2 hours"

As an aside, the OP mentioned that reading would be preferable as it sets a good example. I love reading but do so on a kindle, I can imagine to a small child it looks very much like I'm staring at a screen, I don't know why that would be any better?

Ah yes I did think that was the case but I wasn’t 100% sure😅 I completely agree with you!

Exact opposite is true. Compared with physical text, this study shows that smartphones cause overactivity in the prefrontal cortex which suggests that the brain was under heavy cognitive load

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-05605-0

As an aside, the OP mentioned that reading would be preferable as it sets a good example. I love reading but do so on a kindle, I can imagine to a small child it looks very much like I'm staring at a screen, I don't know why that would be any better?

Because children quickly figure out the difference and realise that kindles are books, with un-colourful dull pages which don't suck all of your attention like phones do.

I'm interested to see how the DH spending 2 hours on his phone rather than being aware of his children has turned into the OP needing to stop them getting up early/sleep train them

He's had 2 hours a day where he could have been fixing this issue. Maybe he should have spent some of that time researching/watching videos on that...

Extremism 😂our society's all consuming addiction to a well-known child developement harm is the extreme behaviour.

Swap parental screen use for smoking in front of DC. You'd all be going nuts. This is as harmful in a psychological sense.

Exactly this

I would be pissed as well. I am also very strict about screen time. I allow Peppa once a week and absolutely no mindless scrolling when she's around. We play music from phone or check things quickly but I don't want baby to make a connection phone=fun. I know how hard I have to control myself to really focus and stop scrolling.

Our daughter started waking up ~5 am recently as well (and we tried with different amount of naps/bed time etc. nothing helps). She usually spends a bit of time going though books and laying with her teddies and one of us (we rotate and just go to be earlier) gets up with her around 6 am.

It is ok to do this. It’s absolutely insane that anyone thinks it isn’t.

its deranged.

No, whilst she,a pregnant woman, gets the one break a day from her children whilst the other parent is supposed to be doing some parenting

What the fuck is depraved about a pregnant woman having 2 hours a day where the other parent actually does the parenting?

every single day?

yes, I’m sure the husband gets 2 hours to himself every day.

Yep, this. why even have kids if you're just going to ignore them? Having the TV is a bit different, this is just sad. OP your husband sounds very young.

Do your own research!!

But since I'm so passionate about this I spent 90 seconds on Google found hundreds.

It doesn't matter if it's "just" 2 hours or if it's 5am. It's called bystander ignorance and it is seriously damaging. You'd be better off leaving children alone in a room with a baby monitor.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/321168013_The_influence_of_parental_smartphone_use_eye_contact_and_'bystander_ignorance'_on_child_development

https://academic.oup.com/hcr/article/49/3/285/7010694

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563217303722

https://journals-sagepub-com.bris.idm.oclc.org/doi/full/10.1177/2050157919846916

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8048888/

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_happens_when_you_use_your_phone_around_your_kids

So much defensiveness and denial underpinned by false logic on this thread. The opposite of using your phone is not Mary Poppins parenting. The opposite of using your phone is not using your phone. I love when people deny scientific fact because its not convenient.

So?

That's entirely true. You have your own standards and each family decides them selves. The issue you have is that parents need to be broadly on the same page, or if they are not have a healthy respect for the other which you appear not to. You want your husband to do what you do. But if you approach it in the way you are describing here, which come across judgemental and that you are perfect, then you are likely to only succeed in him retreating further into his cave. I think I have got it right in that he gets up at 5 and then works all day, and in that scenario I understand why he chooses to try to be more relaxed in those times. Just because if you got up at that time you would chose not to, doesn't mean he is wrong. If your issue is a concern he doesn't have quality time with his kids, then work with him to find a time at weekends when he can do that. But if all you are interested in is him doing exactly what you do, you are likely to be on a hiding to nothing. TBH the way you write about him comes across that you don't even like him.

This weirdo always has some vitriolic thing to say to any OP, regardless of stance, just report her and don't respond to the bait.