DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

For those 'justifying' it. We've had hamsters since I was very young. My children have had them since they were very young.

Sometimes they nip. It's like pricking yourself with a needle. It's sharp and it hurts. But mostly it's a shock.

However, the instinct when you are nipped is to drop it, which is why you give them to children to hold when they are sitting down so they will only fall a few inches.

It's not a natural instinct to stand up, cry, "The fucking thing bit me," and then fling it in anger across the room. Because that is an anger response and not a normal reaction.

I've always had a strong feeling that some people regard hamsters as being somewhat inferior to other pets

They don't necessarily have the strong characters that cats & dogs have and they aren't as cuddly as guinea pigs & rabbits

But for those of us who have had them, loved and cared for them, they are so lovely. I was always buying mine new toys as he loved hidey holes but also liked to have a good clamber over the top of his little playhouses, tunnels etc and it was lovely watching him play. I used to love watching him sort through his food and stuffing his pouches with his favourite titbits. My hamster food was kept in a clip-lid plastic box identical to the one that I kept my pasta in so everytime I unclipped my pasta box I would have a sleepy little hamster appearing at the bars, expecting to be fed!

So to the one or two posters here who seem to be downplaying what has happened, hamster owners love their little pets every bit as much as other pet owners . . . . sorry for the rant, just needed to get that off my chest 😖

They rarely hang on, though (unlike ferrets . . . 😬). They generally give a very quick bite - often deep and nasty - but this hamster didn't break the skin, which suggests she was uncomfortable being held too tightly?) and just wanted to be left alone/ let go.

It wasn’t your fault.

Age 11 is FAR too old to impulsively throw an animal across the room. He’s actually old enough to be prosecuted - for animal cruelty and also for criminal damage of property. His mother’s reaction was very weird and shows a complete lack of empathy.

If you allow this family to stay in your life I guarantee there is far worse to come as that boy gets older.

Also, a somewhat separate point, but at age 11 your son is quite old enough to choose his own friends. Forcing him to see this boy again if he doesn’t want to
is not ok. Your son instinctively senses that anyone who kills a pet in anger, whether deliberately or ‘accidentally’, is bad news. Find better friends. Join a drama group or seat cadets or something else where people have empathy and self-control.

Bet you anything that boy grows up into a man who hits his wife then says it was her fault for making him lose his temper. Abusers usually start off with animal cruelty when preteen. There are millions of men like that in the world, you’ve met a young version of one of them. Toxic. End all contact with them and tell them that it’s because they killed your pet, perhaps the boy is stil young enough to learn from the incident but I doubt it.

Follow your son's lead on this, he doesn't, and rightly so, want to be friends with a pet killer.

And it's not your fault either. Dropping the hamster from the shock of the bite could probably be forgiven. Launching a hamster across the room is just Grade A fucking weird behaviour!!

11?

Oh good grief. I don't say this lightly: the friend is dangerous. At that age, he knows the difference between right and wrong.

I didn't vote as I don't understand the question.

An 11 year old who whipped a hamster across a room sounds like a budding sociopath.

This.

Yep, the key thing for me is 'anger'. There are too many steps involved for this to be instinct + the lack of shock after injuring an animal.

He didn't fling it against the wall; the Op explained that. But I do think his reaction was wrong.

It sounds like both the friend and his mum see the hamster as more of a toy (object) that he’s broken rather than a living creature and part of your family.. which is concerning. Her text replying to your news the hamster was dead was odd. She didn’t apologise.

OP please don’t try to convince your son to forgive the person who murdered his pet. That's madness. What example does that set? If someone threw him across the room and he was seriously injured, do we forgive that?

Would she have said that if it was a cat? Ffs, I'd be avoiding that whole family tbh 🤬.

It's not a broken toy.

OP, this is meant kindly, but you are bending over backwards to make this your fault.

Do you generally lack boundaries with people? Do you let people treat you badly and then make excuses for them?

The hampster dying is awful. But, this is a good opportunity for you to model distancing yourself from fucking psychos people who treat others badly.

Your DS is right to not want to be friends with this boy. No matter whether the boy's behaviour is something he can help or not, your DS shouldn't have to put up with it. Support his decision, it's a healthy one.

FWIW my DS only had one friend at a time at primary. Secondary has been the making of him and he has a group of friends now. Focus on supporting your DS to make new friends, not cling on to bad ones.

You are sad that your son wants to cut out an 11 year old, who "flung his hamster across the room", because it "nipped" him? I'm sorry but the only reasons I can think of NOT to be extremely happy that your son wants to totally cut this kid out of his life for good, would be:

By "hamster" you actually mean "his large dog that sunk it's teeth deep into his friend's hand". In this case the friend's "flinging" might have been a sudden reaction to intense fear and say nothing about the character of the child.

By "flung" you actually mean jumped slightly when the teeth went in and dropped the hamster". This could have been a natural movement of the hand in responded to the bite, which caused the hamster to fall.

The friend is known to be disabled in a way that makes him very sensitive to pain or very nervous and a small nip from a tiny creature would have reasonably sent him into utter panic and an over the top response should have been expected and the adult should have been ready to help.

Otherwise the child is violent and horrible and having your son never associating with him again is a very very good thing.

Absolutely this. The whole incident must have shocking to your ds. Please don't dismiss his feelings. The other boy shouldn't be part of his life anymore.

At 11, that child is well old enough for it to not have been an accident and to know better. How horrendous that he had no remorse. Please let your son make his own decision regarding this friendship. That boy doesn’t sound kind anyway.

To answer a few more questions. This happened at about 7:30 in the evening, she was awake at this point anyway so wasn’t woken up to play with.

She wasn’t a biter or even a nipper. She bit DS once when he first got and and he tried to pick her up head on, she’s never bit or nipped any of us since. I had told the friend to hold her gently but, no, I didn’t specifically warn about nipping.

Age of criminal responsibility is 10.

If the friend shows no remorse for killing the hamster, your son is correct to want nothing more to do with him.

OP please, please don't blame yourself. He is 11, he was sitting down right next to you. You couldn't have forseen any of this.

Haven't read the whole thread but my hamster bit my sister when ahe was 4, she didn't thow the hamster she put it down and then cried , the hamster got loose and my heavily pregnant mother had to chase him down before I got home and found out. 11 is old enough to know better . Maybe shock caused the reaction but there should be remorse

This is not a normal reaction for am 11 year old, either throwing the hamster or lack of remorse! I would say he has issues that would mean I would not want him round my son. Your son is quite right (and I suspect this incident is just confirmation of what he knew about this boy to start with,

This is horrendous. If he's flinging hamsters across the room at 11, he'll be glassing somebody who spills his pint at 19.

I wouldn't want him anywhere near my son or my house ever again.

So, so sorry this happened and I hope your son is able to come to terms with it in time.

Could you tell the mum that your son is really hurt, and you'd like a sincere apology from his friend?