DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

11 is old enough not to react so violently, and also to have compassion for an animal.

I could understand if the shocks of the nip had made him (say) drop the hsmster, and it was accidentally injured landing on a hard floor, but I think this is an over-reaction (especially in view of behaviour towards sibling)

My kids had a hamster that was savage! She bit like buggery and DD still has scars (as do I). None of us ever threw her across a room. We spent time getting her to trust us.

Let this kid go. Your son needs friends, but not like him.

It's obviously disturbing.
I'm not sure about an 11yo sociopath, though.
When he's 40 odd, this stuff might come back to him and bite his arse.
😔

@HamsterAccident does this boy have any experience with pets?

Do you? I think you are outvoted. I also think your one to watch if you would react the same way. Wouldn’t you engage your brain and think, I might get bitten, or scratched and it’ll be very minor but I won’t like it so I won’t pick up /handle the creature. 🤔 So you hold your hand up you’d hurl it violently instead? Honestly?

At 11 he should have behaved appropriately by apologizing sincerely. That is why I would not want my dc to continue the friendship.

Is it too late for empathy by 11? I remember reading there’s a window for it prior to a certain age and after that it’s an uphill battle.

So many stories in the news about children and babies being hurt at the hands of the adults around them, I can’t help but imagine what type of father this boy might grow into.

If he wasn’t bleeding I would doubt if he was bitten at all. I’ve had several hamsters in my life, most have nipped once or twice and it’s like a stapler, it always drew blood. His language and his lack of empathy make him sound horrible. Why would you even want your son to spend time with a child like this? I would worry the influence he would have on your child, and be thankful your son has boundaries when you are teaching him ‘ah, but he didn’t mean it’, ‘your hamster is dead, but you have no friends so you need to put up with shitty behaviour’.

Vet did this to our unwell hamster. The outcome was the same sadly. Vet didn’t even say sorry, he was in his 50’s. We never went back there and the practice closed not long after (good).

I still utterly hate that man, I went to see him to help our little one and he killed her. I get it was a reaction to being bitten but his response after was just awful.

so sorry about your hamster

Apologies if this has been answered already, but was it an “ouch, jump, instinctive fling” of the hamster, the second she’d bit him? Or was it a deliberate throw after the hamster had already stopped biting? Because the former I could understand , whilst the latter would be harder to get past.

Either way, if your DS doesn’t have many friends, I’d probably try and persuade him to forgive and forget. But I’d be keeping a close eye in this kid in future, in case this behaviour continued. To be honest, they’ll be making new friends soon, when they go to secondary school.

I think if the mother was in any way interested in trying to show remorse for what her son had done, she would at least tell you what punishment he would be given for killing the hamster rather than just offering to buy another one.

Don't read it then.

What were you expecting? Something even more graphic that you could complain about? The post is simple and factual - yes, it's upsetting, but it isn't dripping in gore.

Don't open threads like these if you find them so upsetting.

If he was sat down then an automatic reaction would be to let go of the hamster not stand up and throw it across the room. To me that is a deliberate action. He’s 11 not 5. Imagine if your DS accidentally hurts this boy playing in the future? I wonder what his reaction would be? Stay well away from this future nutcase.

Wow. You're a piece of work. Aren't you.
I bloody hope you're not responsible for any animal.

Did you honestly read the title and think this was not going to involve the death of an animal???
People need a TW about you being precious if so!

I think this is a tough one. I was inexperienced with animals as a child and can't imagine how I would have reacted in this situation but I most likely would not have asked to hold the animal and my mother would not have encouraged me to do so. I think the mother and DS friend should send a note or something to your DS to say sorry. The mother offered a replacement but doesn't seem to see the issue. I don't like the friend or mother's reaction. Your DS can hopefully find other friends and if the friend in question is worth keeping in your life they will make some sort of effort to say sorry.

I can’t stomach the comments suggesting this is in any way a normal or understandable reaction.

I’ve been bitten by animals and children and I’ve never had a fit of anger and thought oh I’ll fling the thing at the wall. If he had dropped the hamster out of fright and it unfortunately died that way, you could understand it was an accident if the child was remorseful. But to fling it across the room in a rage???

I’d stay away from that weird child.

Hi OP,

I think is sounds as though there are two problems.

1. The child has some send issues.
2. The mum doesn't think of the hamster as a lost loved one, but a broken toy.

I think you either need to have very stern words with both of them, or find a new friend. Either is fine, but you need to choose one or the other.

Yep... clearly posting because they don't get enough attention at home. It is the school holidays too.

Ok, so it's not exactly deliberately feeding it to your pet python, but 11 is plenty old enough for empathy and compassion, even if it was an accident/ overreaction. This child showed none, which I find quite chilling. At 11, my ds would definitely have ceased friendship with anyone who had behaved this way to an animal, pet or not. And i think I'd support him in that decision, had there been no appropriate remorse shown afterwards. Dd can impulsively react to situations and I could see her dropping an animal that had bitten her. But she'd be mortified to have killed it and upset her friend. Inconsolable in fact, even at 7.

Ds1 was about 8 when his gerbil was accidentally killed by a friend.
It had got loose and they were trying to catch it. His friend knelt down to catch it and it ran directly under the knee and was crushed.
Both were absolutely distraught and Ds1 avoided his friend for several days before they got over it.

It sounds worrying that your son's friend didn't show remorse. I would leave it up to your son as to how to go forward.

Well yes, they're not toys to be handed round to all & sundry!

What if it was a puppy or a baby?
Still ok not to be sorry if the involuntary movement lead to death?

Vets should be used to getting bitten.

Friend had a ferret that grabbed the vet's hand and wouldn't let go (I've been bitten by a ferret - a hamster pales into insignificance in contrast). Apparently he pushed his hand gently against the ferret's jaw and held it still by the back of its neck, and it let go.

No vet should be so violent towards a small animal.

The police do though.

People go to magistrate court over goldfish mistreatment so yes a hamster would definitely count although the adult is held responsible not the child.

There are different division of the police, the people investigating murders and rapes are not the same people issuing court orders for animal cruelty.

Surely the title is sufficient for anyone who has any moderate to severe rodent-based trauma in their past to avoid opening this thread.