Family interfering with our dog - a big argument

[SENMUM95]

Me and DD have a 3 year old dog. He can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes behaviour wise and he is way over the top when out walking with other dogs, lunges at them, tries to jump all over them - so he needs really careful managing when out on a walk for his own safety and to avoid lunging at the wrong dog and being bitten, etc.

I have health conditions so sometimes I struggle to walk him, so I pay for a regular dog walker instead. I can’t walk him and DD together because DD has additional needs and runs off and because the dog doesn’t walk nicely at the moment either.

In normal conversation with another family member I mentioned that the dog was playing up a bit and I was going to ask the dog walker to take him a few extra times during the next 2 weeks whilst the kids are off on holidays, to get him out and about and wear his energy off.

Next thing I know, they had planned with another family member and told me they was taking the dog out. Now in their minds they are probably being helpful but it really annoyed me because they keep interfering and the fact that they told me what they was doing with the dog and not asking, not to mention that they know how the dog behaves on walks and chose the worst place possible to take him.

I snapped at them and said no you don’t ring and tell me what you’re doing with my dog - you ring and ask if you want to take him somewhere and I’m sick of them acting like they have a right or claim to the dog to make decisions for him. It’s not the only time they collude and interfere with the dog (for example they will sneak him treats or extra food when I’ve said no just because they think he needs more - completely ignoring the fact that his food is measured out for him correctly based on his weight and nutritional needs), DD or the house in general (they will just come and in start doing DIY without even running it past me) and I’m just fucking fed up with it now.

AIBU?

@SmileyClare anyone’s health can suddenly deteriorate, does that mean no-one should ever have a dog? Why can no-one come over the house when the dog is well behaved inside? I don’t date men so that’s not an issue. I didn’t ask for your advice on any of those subjects so keep it relevant or find a different thread to post on please, thanks.

OP you need to engage a dog trainer not just a walker. Look up Nigel Reed, The Dog Guardian. He’s amazing and he loves dogs so much, none of that Ceasar Milan stuff.

What's the book called? How to fucking train a fucking dog?

Sorry but 😂

Op maybe you found my post blunt but yes you did post on a talk forum about difficulties with your reactive dog, your health condition and your difficult relationship with your parents.

I think it’s valid to point out that your dog has taken over your life, is taking priority, is incredibly hard work and a huge commitment and perhaps your family are stepping in (clumsily) because they have concerns- maybe your mum is worried about your health?

I was asking if you had taken on too much here.

If you don’t want to engage further then fine- just respond to the posts telling you your dog sounds amazing.

It might help if you separate out the various issues. The relationship issues with your parents is more complex than arguing over a proposed dog walk I imagine.

Couldn't help it 😂

Yes! Of course it is.

That’ll stand out on the shelves 😂 A real no nonsense book

No, you clearly didn't bother to read her posts. She said:

He came from a bad home before me when he was a pup, it’s taken 2 years to build his confidence up enough to actually start training him, he would literally be terrified of a treat before.

he would literally be terrified of a treat before.

😂

People who need to “save” traumatized dogs that “have” to have a specially demanding routine, special food, tons of vet visits or whatever is absolutely necessary or poor doggie can’t function are really hoping to receive lots of praise and admiration for all their special sacrifices. They HATE it when outsiders or family members treat the sacred dog relationship matter of factly or as a simple logistical question. No one can possibly imagine the hard work and dedication that is needed to keep this poor creature afloat. And if we don’t think its a big deal, or we think its too much fuss snd bother, or we think of a simple solution OP will accuse is of not appreciating her good boy.

This thread reminds me very much of the concurrent thread with the woman who complains/humblebrags about all the trouble she goes to for her collapsed/miserable hoarding alcoholic boyfriend.

I think the poster always wants admiration from others for all the sacrifices she makes for the love object. In one case the boyfriend and in the other case the dog. How annoying of commenters to always draw attention to the children (both Sen interestingly enough) who are forced to take a back seat to the permanent crisis of the boyfriend/pet.

People who haunt forums to use their self-taught pyschoanalysis 'skills' on other posters do so in order to be seen as deeply clever and intelligent. It brings them a sense of smug self satisfaction they are clearly not achieving anywhere else in life.

who are the relatives? can they take him full time? you obviously cannot look after his needs and manage his behaviour f you are chronically ill and your child has additional needs also.

You'll get mostly judgmental people on here. Most people that haven't owned a reactive dog don't have a fucking clue and seem to think it can be solved quickly and easily. If you have fb theres a great group, Reactive Dogs UK.

There must be a reason that Dog Rescues refuse to re home abused/ reactive dogs to anyone with young children or disabilities/ health conditions.
Training a traumatised dog is a huge commitment and responsibility - to the dog, other animals and the people around you. So yes people will judge on the facts op has given.
As someone up thread said - it can be a life long up hill struggle and some reactive behaviours can’t be “undone”.

I think it’s worth trying to see this from the perspective of your family. They are being told off when they visit because the dog is misbehaving (I.e it’s their fault) they are getting an earful if they (perhaps naively) say they’ll walk the dog.
You are expecting them to change their behaviour to accommodate the dog in a way, instead of expecting the dog to accommodate other people (or taking practical steps to avoid the dog getting over excited/ jumping up or whatever)

Ive no doubt it’s difficult with a dog who in your words can be “a nightmare” but perhaps you’re taking out your frustration on your parents/ wider family and expecting them to know how to train a difficult dog.
Maybe they underestimate how difficult a reactive dog can be- that’s not necessarily done deliberately to undermine you or “un do” anything you’re teaching the dog so be careful assuming that.

I don’t think there are any villains here, and it would be a shame to fall out completely over a dog’s needs.

Would it not be possible for your parents to take the dog for a short walk (on lead) somewhere quiet? He sounds tiny- 8kg- couldn’t they pick him up and remove him from any difficult situation?

You could perhaps (when you’re feeling up to it) accompany your mum on a walk with the dog and help her understand how you control him. ?

It’s nice to see that although your dog has issues you obviously love him and are committed to him, makes such a change from the usual posts on here where owners say they hate their pets and want to get rid. I’m sure the issues will be dealt with over time due to your care, despite his background he’s now a very lucky boy

You are not being unreasonable. Consent & your agency matter. It's your life, your decisions. You need to have some boundaries in your life. It doesn't matter how well meaning they are. They still need your consent, & it's disrespectful to make unilateral decisions on your life.

You were really rude and ungrateful. It’s possible to turn down help if you don’t want it without being so rude to someone. Don’t complain if nobody wants to help you in the future. I’d be horrified if someone snapped at me like that for what was just a kind gesture, and probably cut them out.