Family interfering with our dog - a big argument

[SENMUM95]

Me and DD have a 3 year old dog. He can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes behaviour wise and he is way over the top when out walking with other dogs, lunges at them, tries to jump all over them - so he needs really careful managing when out on a walk for his own safety and to avoid lunging at the wrong dog and being bitten, etc.

I have health conditions so sometimes I struggle to walk him, so I pay for a regular dog walker instead. I can’t walk him and DD together because DD has additional needs and runs off and because the dog doesn’t walk nicely at the moment either.

In normal conversation with another family member I mentioned that the dog was playing up a bit and I was going to ask the dog walker to take him a few extra times during the next 2 weeks whilst the kids are off on holidays, to get him out and about and wear his energy off.

Next thing I know, they had planned with another family member and told me they was taking the dog out. Now in their minds they are probably being helpful but it really annoyed me because they keep interfering and the fact that they told me what they was doing with the dog and not asking, not to mention that they know how the dog behaves on walks and chose the worst place possible to take him.

I snapped at them and said no you don’t ring and tell me what you’re doing with my dog - you ring and ask if you want to take him somewhere and I’m sick of them acting like they have a right or claim to the dog to make decisions for him. It’s not the only time they collude and interfere with the dog (for example they will sneak him treats or extra food when I’ve said no just because they think he needs more - completely ignoring the fact that his food is measured out for him correctly based on his weight and nutritional needs), DD or the house in general (they will just come and in start doing DIY without even running it past me) and I’m just fucking fed up with it now.

AIBU?

What doesn’t come across in this thread at all is the needs and wishes of your DC. They would be my highest context in all decision making over and above a rescue dog. I do think you’ve taken on too much OP with such a high needs dog in light of the other factors re your own health and your DC additional needs. It’s a lot and I can imagine your relatives are very concerned.

Well no, the family member rang op’s phone to tell her- there was no “barging in” the door.

Yeah I’m wondering did your health needs appear after you had rescued the dog or wee they already there? It just doesn’t seem wise considering your DC.

But I agree your relatives could be being unintentionally disruptive and shouldn’t be sneaking the dog treats or undermining your attempts to train him to jump up on people or whatever.

Is maybe there more too it but this event was the straw that broke the camel's back?

Yep, I misread, but I don't think that's any better. You don't just ring someone up and tell them what you're going to do with their pet, home or child, even if you are family.

If her family are genuinely concerned then there are ways of getting that across without being bossy and demanding. I do wonder how everyone on here would respond if their parents rang them and said "right, we don't agree with how you're raising Josie so I've spoken to Fred and we're going to be doing this".

Like you'd all just sit back and say "oh, okay" or be calm and polite about it, lol.

I’ve had the dog for 2 years now - we normally manage absolutely fine - that wasn’t the point of this post or discussion.

Exactly this, it’s the fact that they’ve clearly been having discussions behind my back and then colluding plans without involving me or asking me - there’s other ways of doing things without being sneaky and sly (which is how I feel towards them at the moment)

Yeah I think that’s absolutely it, I feel suffocated by them and like I don’t have a ‘proper adult life’ because everyone is too much involved with everyone else’s business. I think I’m going to take the advice of PP’s and not tell them anything from now on - keep it all very basic ‘grey rock’ information

I get it OP, don't worry. It's the way they've gone about it rather than the fact they have concerns about the dog.

You're not unreasonable to be pissed off in the slightest. I can't imagine anyone being happy in your shoes, regardless of what they've said on here

Was it really wise to get a dog that you can't physically manage? Your family are trying to help not just you but the dog.

You have a communication problem. You think you are having a general chat they think you are asking for help and arranging it then are bewildered by your response because you feel undermined by their response and get angry.

I'd suggest being careful what information you give them and how you phrase things going forward - emphasise how under control everything is or mention it after it's happened so they can't interfere.

I feel your pain OP. This.

"Even if I tell him to get down if he jumps up at people coming in the door they will go on like he is a neglected and abused dog and he is ‘just excited to see us’ - well that’s great but not everyone wants to be scratched to pieces thanks…"

This scenario drove me mad in my house. I had to put posters up at the front door reminding the kids not to look at, or engage whatsoever with said dog, until four paws were on the floor and he was calm.
Dogs need 100% consistency and that's from by everyone involved in their lives, or training fails
It looks like your dog walker and you work well together, and the family are undermining your hard work even though they mean well.
In your situation, I'd just tell the family you appreciate their concern, but you are really bothered about them undoing all of your training, and explain why. If they don't listen, get a big bone or two in, skip the walks and do brain training instead. Good luck-you sound like you are trying really hard.

I’m not going to repeat myself after this because people clearly can’t read or understand what is being written - I can manage my dog fine, indoors he is the most well behaved dog - it’s walks that are a problem and that’s not going to be a forever thing and I manage it by going to quieter places and occasionally renting out a closed pen. I am well majority of the time. I also have a dog walker on hand whenever I need her. Do you get the point now?

There are ways of helping that don't involve going behind someone's back, talking about them and arranging to take their dog out without even discussing it with them first, though.

And OP manages her dog by paying for a professional walker when she's unwell - which is incredibly common. As a walker myself, I've walked loads of dogs over the years for people with various illnesses and disabilities.

This.

you clearly can’t manage a dog and two kids and your health conditions. Sounds like rehoming is the kindest option.

No I know I was snappy at them, because it’s a constant thing with them interfering, I’ve tried saying it politely and now I’m just pissed off at repeating myself and not being listened to - so yes I am going to snap at them like most people would.

You clearly don’t read the thread properly do you, as I only have one child and I manage my dog fine thank you very much. The dog Walker has taken a couple of days well deserved holiday in the Easter break which has caused a blip. My dog is very much staying with us - a home he loves with people he loves - but thank you for your opinion.

She doesn't have two kids, and she manages the dog fine 99% of the time. It just happens that it's school holidays and her dog walker is on holiday, so it's harder than normal for a few days.

Lots of people pay for a dog walker to walk their dog - it doesn't mean they're not coping or need to re-home.

I’ll be honest you were either a bit mad or incredibly brave to take on this particular dog when you knew you had health problems and a child with challenges.

It sounds however like you’ve got a plan, you’re working on it, and you’re being a very responsible owner paying for it to be walked and working out what’s best for its needs.

Your family should butt out here - if they were offering to take it for a walk that would be fine, but they aren’t. They are going against your training, and sounds like they will do things that could hinder his progress. Sounds like they think they know better than you and are dismissive of what you’ve achieved so far and are trying to work towards. YANBU.

she manages the dog fine 99% of the time

No, she doesn't. She isn't managing it at all. She has had the dog since it was a puppy and has not trained it. To say "it's only on walks" that it's a problem seems to be missing the very most basic understanding of how and when a dog is trained. You don't wait until they are over two years old to start, for one thing.

Do they interfere in other aspects of your life?

I think you need a different communication style with your family.

Everyone means well, and at the same time it’s causing trouble.

Do a triple message-
1- Thank you, that’s so kind, I really appreciate it.
2- DDog isn’t allowed to walk with other people yet- it’s dangerous for him. When he’s done a bit better, I’ll definitely let you know.
3- I’d love some help with the garden!

The dog is trained in every other area - he struggles with walks because of other dogs. It took years for him to actually not be scared and wee and poo out of fear when people gave him a command - stop being so judgemental and ignorant.

I really don't understand the pile-on here?

OP's dog needs consistant training and handling outside, to alter behaviour and to manage to prevent accidents/prevent rewarding unwanted behaviour.

If her family, no matter how well intentioned, take the dog out and let him jump on people/other dogs/get so close he reacts.. they are UNDOING the hard work OP and Dog walker have put in.

How is that so hard to understand?

I see endless threads here where people fully grasp that unwanted, unasked for, 'help' can be thoroughly unhelpful and in some situations downright abusive, under the guise of 'we were just trying to help' or 'we were just being nice'...

It is not helpful, or nice, to undermine the work someone is doing on something, anything.

This dog walking situation is the dog equivalent to the SIL teaching a DN to swear and feeding them dairy chocolate when they have a milk intolerance - or DGP's allowing DC's to stamp around on the furniture and piss on the floor after parents have worked hard to end that behaviour... and then saying 'but we're helping by providing child care' (that was never asked for).