Family interfering with our dog - a big argument

[SENMUM95]

Me and DD have a 3 year old dog. He can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes behaviour wise and he is way over the top when out walking with other dogs, lunges at them, tries to jump all over them - so he needs really careful managing when out on a walk for his own safety and to avoid lunging at the wrong dog and being bitten, etc.

I have health conditions so sometimes I struggle to walk him, so I pay for a regular dog walker instead. I can’t walk him and DD together because DD has additional needs and runs off and because the dog doesn’t walk nicely at the moment either.

In normal conversation with another family member I mentioned that the dog was playing up a bit and I was going to ask the dog walker to take him a few extra times during the next 2 weeks whilst the kids are off on holidays, to get him out and about and wear his energy off.

Next thing I know, they had planned with another family member and told me they was taking the dog out. Now in their minds they are probably being helpful but it really annoyed me because they keep interfering and the fact that they told me what they was doing with the dog and not asking, not to mention that they know how the dog behaves on walks and chose the worst place possible to take him.

I snapped at them and said no you don’t ring and tell me what you’re doing with my dog - you ring and ask if you want to take him somewhere and I’m sick of them acting like they have a right or claim to the dog to make decisions for him. It’s not the only time they collude and interfere with the dog (for example they will sneak him treats or extra food when I’ve said no just because they think he needs more - completely ignoring the fact that his food is measured out for him correctly based on his weight and nutritional needs), DD or the house in general (they will just come and in start doing DIY without even running it past me) and I’m just fucking fed up with it now.

AIBU?

There's either some posters with serious reading comprehension issues on this thread or a lot of goady twats being deliberately stupid.

YANBU OP for not wanting help from relatives who are undermining your routine and efforts to train your dog. That is the opposite of helping. Why should you be grateful for that?

YA also NBU for not wanting people to come into your home and start doing DIY without even asking you.
They could ask you what they can do to help and that would be kind.
Riding roughshod over you and doing what they think you need whether you want it or not is treating you like a child and is not helpful or kind.

It doesn’t sound like this is a dog that a rescue shelter has rehomed.

I’m sick of hearing about children being harmed by dogs that aren’t suited to being in homes with young dc.

I think you’ve made the wrong decision to take an abused, anxious dog into your family home, and perhaps underestimated the work involved and the logistics of that with children and a health condition that can leave you debilitated.

Is there any reason why you haven't taken steps to ensure your dog is properly trained and not, quite frankly, a menace to everyone else?

The OP said the dog walker is the only one she trusts to properly walk the dog and keep up its training routine.
It's the OP's relatives who are telling her what they are going to do with her dog and undermining her when she is trying to train it.

He isn’t a danger to DD. At home he behaves very well, he is just anxious around men and we have none that live here. He is very good with DD and leaves her alone to do her own thing.

YABU in this situation.

you are also BU by posting in ‘AIBU?’ And arguing with anyone who doesn’t agree with you.

I can’t believe PP would be fine with being infantilised like you are if it was them it was happening to.

I agree their intentions are good but their approach is so off. They should ask if you’d like help rather than just stepping over you. I can’t believe they do DIY on your home without asking you!

I’d have a calm conversation with them about how you’re feeling if I were you.

The dog is normally fine when we are in a routine - DD at school and the entire day devoted to training him

You devote the entire day to training him yet he’s jumping at visitors and you can’t walk this small poodle thing with your dd because he’s so badly behaved?

Thats ridiculous and your training methods are obviously doing more harm than good. Get a professional trainer.

You came on here to ask if you are being BU .You are coming across very aggressive and a lot of attitude in most of your replies. Why bother asking if you’re going to ask like a teenager having a tantrum. I feel bad for your family.

Why not just get a dog you can manage without struggling?

I think pps have a point. You’re moaning about feeling infantilised but are behaving quite childishly?

Youre stuck in a parent/child dynamic and you’re very much lashing out like a child. If you can change your approach, your family will too.

Why not try a different attitude with your parents? If your mum phones and tells you she’s going to take Dog for a walk at X place then there’s a better way to respond than snapping, accusing her of interfering and saying you’re fucking sick of all your family.

Perhaps she is concerned because you’re very unwell at the moment, it’s the school holidays and your dog walker is absent?

It sounds like you could do with some help in some form from those around you and you could negotiate that on your terms without being prickly and defensive.

I can see why you're annoyed. I have a reactive rescue which nobody apart from me is permitted to walk because she's in a training programme which is going really well. My family all think I'm making a fuss because they've never seen what the dog is capable of. They took it upon themselves to walk her without my permission and she went for another dog. No damage to the other dog, but totally unfair and unnecessary, and could well have caused reactivity in the other dog. People need to understand that training a reactive dog is a serious thing that requires total consistency.

offering is different from saying "We are going to"

If they genuinely want to help could they take him to an enclosed hire field so he can run around and sniff but you know they can't undo any of your training?

From every thing you've said here, the dog is not "being trained" and should have been trained when you first got him. Nervousness does not preclude training a dog properly, in fact it would have reduced the dog's nervousness to have secure and regular boundaries.

Your responses on this thread have been unreasonable and unpleasant.

YABU.

Your poor dog. You don't get it walked enough, it's got behavioural issues that aren't being sorted and when people try to take it out, you get angry at them.

You've had a lot of weirdly aggressive responses here

YADNBU. It's your dog, it's up to you who walks him or spends any time with him. If someone came to my house and tried to tell me they were just taking my dog out for a walk, I'd tell them to piss off, quite frankly.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. These family members will clearly undo any training you’ve been working on by the sounds of it, and giving your dog treats when you’ve said not to is ridiculous and really annoying!

You’ve unfortunately attracted the kind of people on mumsnet who aren’t great at reading posts properly and just want to shit on the op in general. Can’t imagine getting pleasure out of that sort of behaviour myself, but everyone’s different!

I too would be interested in the other side of this. I wonder if they're seeing a person with chronic illness, a child with additional needs and a slightly out of control dog and they're concerned.
I'm not sure why you'd get such a dog in your situation but that's done now. It sounds like you're in need of a decent dog trainer. Walks aren't going to train out bad behaviour.

Telling a family member to Piss Off is “weirdly aggressive “ 😂

Surely the adult response is
“Thanks for the offer, I know I was moaning about the dog playing up, my walker being away and being too ill to get out but I’ve made other arrangements- he’s too difficult for you to take out in public yet- hopefully in time dog walks are something you could do but he’s too reactive at the moment.
Thanks though.

No, what's weirdly aggressive is turning up at someone's house and telling them you're taking their dog for a walk.

If someone is genuinely concerned, then there are other ways to approach the situation. But barging in and saying "I'm doing X" is not the way to go about it.

Yeah I think you are being U.
Family members sneaking treats to dogs is normal. Mine do it all the time and I just roll my eyes and smile. They are doing it out of love. Same as when Grandmothers sneak icecream to grandkids.
Just adjust the amount of food you give him if it’s a big deal.

Judging from the responses and your response to them I’d say you are coming across as pretty argumentative and aggressive if you don’t get 100% agreement and validation from others. I wonder if you are misconstruing a genuine offer of help from people, who don’t have to offer it btw, and probably see that you are struggling.
This does not sound the best of situations for a difficult rescue, and it’s not fair on the animal.

You're literally asking for people's opinions on here and then getting belligerent when they don't agree with you 😂 it sounds like your family members are concerned for your dog. It doesn't sound like you are managing at the moment with having DD home and no dog walker. You don't have to accept their help, you can just say no thank you. If they come round and want to take the dog, you can say no. It doesn't have to be a big drama but you do seem quite argumentative so maybe its your communication style that's the problem?

Just tell your family exactly what you said in your first post. They won’t be around to bother you again. Job done 👍