Family interfering with our dog - a big argument

[SENMUM95]

Me and DD have a 3 year old dog. He can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes behaviour wise and he is way over the top when out walking with other dogs, lunges at them, tries to jump all over them - so he needs really careful managing when out on a walk for his own safety and to avoid lunging at the wrong dog and being bitten, etc.

I have health conditions so sometimes I struggle to walk him, so I pay for a regular dog walker instead. I can’t walk him and DD together because DD has additional needs and runs off and because the dog doesn’t walk nicely at the moment either.

In normal conversation with another family member I mentioned that the dog was playing up a bit and I was going to ask the dog walker to take him a few extra times during the next 2 weeks whilst the kids are off on holidays, to get him out and about and wear his energy off.

Next thing I know, they had planned with another family member and told me they was taking the dog out. Now in their minds they are probably being helpful but it really annoyed me because they keep interfering and the fact that they told me what they was doing with the dog and not asking, not to mention that they know how the dog behaves on walks and chose the worst place possible to take him.

I snapped at them and said no you don’t ring and tell me what you’re doing with my dog - you ring and ask if you want to take him somewhere and I’m sick of them acting like they have a right or claim to the dog to make decisions for him. It’s not the only time they collude and interfere with the dog (for example they will sneak him treats or extra food when I’ve said no just because they think he needs more - completely ignoring the fact that his food is measured out for him correctly based on his weight and nutritional needs), DD or the house in general (they will just come and in start doing DIY without even running it past me) and I’m just fucking fed up with it now.

AIBU?

I get it - I have family that tried to do this.

But snapping make you feel shit and puts you on the defensive and upsets them and usually end with them telling everyone how unreasonable you are being and people agreeing or others chime in what they think you should be doing. As a strategy while it gives short term relief it tactically a disaster.

You can't control how others behave - just how you do.

This is how they behave - they clearly have form - so sadly it down to managing them and changing how you actually communicate with them.

Use better strategies and understand it will take time for you to get used doing that - pickledandpuzzled post is good example of better communication.

I absolutely did read it! I miss read one child as two.

if you can’t manage to walk a dog because of ill health and having a child then you can’t manage it.

Thank you! And honestly it really does un-do the work so easily. Like we had him really well trained with not jumping up or reacting when someone came through the door - fast forward to them continuously walking in and purposely getting him hyper and encouraging him to jump up and say hello to them - I practically had to start all over again with that area of training!

You clearly have a problem - I’ve stated multiple times that I normally walk him 2 hours a day - I’ve just been unwell the last 2/3 weeks ironically with something that doesn’t even relate to my health condition.

You clearly didn't even bother to read her posts before sticking the boot in

She has had the dog for two years and it's currently three years old - so no, she hasn't had it since it was a puppy, nor did she wait until it was two before beginning training.

Anyone who has worked with traumatised dogs knows that it's a very long road to get them to even start responding to basic training and commands. If the dog is well behaved in the house, then I would say the OP has done a bloody amazing job of things so far. But tackling behaviour on walks is very different and can be a lifelong process for many dogs, unfortunately.

I think that's a good idea. Sometimes people want to "rescue" others just to pat themselves on the back. I get it it op. I have a relative like that that I have gone LC with. And managing perfectly without their "help"

Thank you so much for your lovely supportive posts 💐 honestly he is the best boy inside - he has never had an accident indoors apart from when unwell, he has never chewed or destroyed anything in the house apart from his own toys, he took to going to bed at night really well after a couple of weeks and now will lay in his bed until everyone else in the house is awake, he knows that DD struggles sometimes with things and he just leaves her alone and lets her come to him when she chooses - so really good behaviour inside for a dog that is still young and has been through bad experiences.

In the house he came from, the other puppies were actively encouraged to attack him, so I fear the issue with dogs maybe a long life issue, it’s just so sad 😞

Nope no problem at all. Good luck then I mean I don’t really understand what you want out of this thread as your not interested in anything anyone says

Honestly, he sounds amazing and you sound like a wonderful owner

I work with a dog who sounds similar and it took me well over two years to get him to walk with another dog without either reacting or getting over-stimulated. It's a long road but it's been four years now and he's come such a long way, so please don't give up or let your family put you off.

Your dog walker sounds amazing and willing to work with you which is all you need.

Your family are interfering where they are not experienced enough.
What are they going to say when your dog attacks another dog “Oh they’ve never done that before” or some other similar shite that these idiots say to cover up they are fucking irresponsible, they know there is an issue but they are ignoring it.So what the dog gets taken by the authorities because it is out of control and although you and your dog walker know this, these idiot members of your family think they know better.
They have told you exactly their level of responsibility by claiming “he should be allowed to do whatever he wants.”
Equally if your dog was allowed with them and got in some other dogs face because they were not managing the situation, that could lead to your dog losing its life by being killed by another dog.

Absolutely spot on.Ignore those on here who don’t understand the situation and won’t be around when their is a situation because your irresponsible family have caused a situation.

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken yeah exactly that, we had an incident in the very early days where he was being quite reactive on a walk and another big dog 3x the size of him who was off lead went for him, I reckon he was seconds away from having his throat ripped out and he (a tiny 8-9kg poodle breed) would of had very little chance of defending himself against this dog which was very big and strong (pure muscle). He isn’t as bad as that now thankfully but my family would have no clue how to handle that if it ever happened again and he probably would have been killed had he been with them that day.

I’ve no idea whether you have toxic parents who erode all your boundaries or whether you’ve over reacted to a well meant gesture but perhaps you could cut them some slack here?

Reacting angrily and having a huge row hasn’t made anyone feel good.
If your family have no experience with difficult dogs, then it’s a big shift to now have to accommodate the new dog and learn how to behave around it?

Some practical compromise might help? For example, instead of getting angry when they visit and the dog is over excited/jumping up, why not shut the dog in another room (until things are calmer) rather than expecting everyone visiting to behave around the dog as you’d like?

In the same vein, it’s absolutely fine to say No you don’t think it’s possible for them to walk the dog (sounds like this is the first time they’ve proposed this?) without having a row?

Im assuming you’re a single mum and your dd has a beneficial relationship with your family? It would be a shame to deprive her of this if you fall out completely over the needs of a dog.

People are trying to help you and you respond by snapping at them? Are you normally this ride?

That’s what I do now - put him in a different room - but that’s not fair on him either and then they constantly ask when he is coming out of the room and say that’s cruel too. I literally can’t win. They don’t want to behave around the dog to help his training and they don’t want me removing the dog from the situation either. I would say it’s not the healthiest boundaries - the whole family are usually in each others business or talking about everyone else’s business and judging them on it. For example, one of my siblings still lives at home and one of my parents will actively open their post and see what’s inside even though they are 24 years old!

It’s absurd that neither you or your family can manage a tiny little poodle.

Get him socialised properly so he’s not being aggressive to other dogs.

Wow thank you, so helpful!

Hmm ok I mean no one has the perfect relationship with their parents/family. My parents are pretty opinionated and over bearing sometimes! Yours sound very intense.

It might help if you stopped caring about their opinion so much and stopped taking their “advice” or judgement as personal criticism. It’s fine to stick to your guns and say something like - “I appreciate your concern, you mean well but please respect my decision”
Im no relationship expert but if you keep asserting the same boundaries there’s some consistency rather than silently getting frustrated for months and then erupting!

If your family are determined they want to “help” then could you ask for that in other ways? Say for example -Asking them to watch dd or help with something else?

Whatever. And passive aggression is my intention with this response to you, and not the OP. HTH

This thread is full of this rubbish now @SENMUM95 . Don't let them affect you. It's the AIBU mob having fun putting the boot in and each trying to be more outrageous than the others.
Plenty of us understand your situation.

Tell me you know nothing about rehabilitating reactive dogs without telling me...

If we could just 'get them socialised', I'd be a fucking millionare, selling the instant solution to this problem. It takes months, sometimes YEARS of work depending on what experiences the dog has previously had, and any time someone puts the dog over threshold, too close to the trigger or handles a situation badly... boom, back to square one or as near as dammit.

I work with this sort of problem with clients day in day out, there is no fast solution that is both humane and effective, I've written a fucking book about it, and one of the key elements is consistency - which the OP's family are fucking up for her.

Yanbu from me.

Even when other people mean well, it's not their place to tell a grown arse woman what to do with her dog and her house!

Serbs to me the OP has it under control - the dog gets enough exercise with the dog walker, she doesn't need well meaning family to take over.

I work with this sort of problem with clients day in day out, there is no fast solution that is both humane and effective, I've written a fucking book about it

Then you’ll know that if ops “training methods” haven’t worked in 3 years it’s time to bring in a professional.

I'd actually say they were working pretty damn well if the dog is as well behaved in the house as OP says he is. That's no mean feat.

Training dogs like this is a lifetime commitment, it's not just something you can solve in a matter of weeks or months. It takes years and even then, many issues can't be solved completely and you're looking at management rather than actually being able to change the behaviour.

It sounds incredibly hard work and quite untenable if op’s health condition deteriorates. It’s a massive commitment. I know some people are prepared to dedicate themselves to their dog or revolve their life around them but at what detriment?

Does this mean dd can never have friends over to the house? A birthday party? A boyfriend when she’s a teen? You can never go on holiday? Can you have any men visiting? What if you meet someone op?
Your family are clearly naive about dogs but Are any of your family’s concerns valid do you think?

I hope the dogs behaviour improves for all your sakes. It sounds very difficult.