Family interfering with our dog - a big argument

[SENMUM95]

Me and DD have a 3 year old dog. He can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes behaviour wise and he is way over the top when out walking with other dogs, lunges at them, tries to jump all over them - so he needs really careful managing when out on a walk for his own safety and to avoid lunging at the wrong dog and being bitten, etc.

I have health conditions so sometimes I struggle to walk him, so I pay for a regular dog walker instead. I can’t walk him and DD together because DD has additional needs and runs off and because the dog doesn’t walk nicely at the moment either.

In normal conversation with another family member I mentioned that the dog was playing up a bit and I was going to ask the dog walker to take him a few extra times during the next 2 weeks whilst the kids are off on holidays, to get him out and about and wear his energy off.

Next thing I know, they had planned with another family member and told me they was taking the dog out. Now in their minds they are probably being helpful but it really annoyed me because they keep interfering and the fact that they told me what they was doing with the dog and not asking, not to mention that they know how the dog behaves on walks and chose the worst place possible to take him.

I snapped at them and said no you don’t ring and tell me what you’re doing with my dog - you ring and ask if you want to take him somewhere and I’m sick of them acting like they have a right or claim to the dog to make decisions for him. It’s not the only time they collude and interfere with the dog (for example they will sneak him treats or extra food when I’ve said no just because they think he needs more - completely ignoring the fact that his food is measured out for him correctly based on his weight and nutritional needs), DD or the house in general (they will just come and in start doing DIY without even running it past me) and I’m just fucking fed up with it now.

AIBU?

I’m really surprised you’ve taken on a rescue dog who has been abused when you have a young child with behavioural issues.
This seems so irresponsible so you have to accept people will judge your choices.

That aside, you need to try to communicate in a more adult way- with your friends, family and on SM talk forums.
Acting like a a stroppy teen is not going to help at all.

This would annoy me too op. I don't think you're being unreasonable . I probably wouldn't have snapped but I detest confrontation. Cannot abide things being organised on my behalf.

Thank you! That’s what I try and tell them - he has training, rules and boundaries because he is a live animal and he can’t be going around doing whatever he likes. Even if I tell him to get down if he jumps up at people coming in the door they will go on like he is a neglected and abused dog and he is ‘just excited to see us’ - well that’s great but not everyone wants to be scratched to pieces thanks…

Health conditions, a 3 year old with additional needs and a reactive, badly behaved 3 year old dog sounds like a terrible combination. I’m not sure you can be precious about your family’s help with your dog if you still want their help in other areas.

@Mrsttcno1

😂

Maybe you need to approach this differently. Them stepping in has put you on the defensive so no matter what they do you will be angry about it.

How about thanking them for the offer and saying that while you appreciate it if they really want to help then there are ground rules. List all of the rules then say if they cannot commit to following them then their help will not actually be help and could make the situation worse for you and the dog.

He isn’t a badly behaved dog inside the house - it’s just on walks.

Is this your parents?

I presume they think that because you have a health condition, your daughter has additional needs and your dog is a behavioural concern, you could do with a break and are trying to help you.

Have you tried saying, ‘I really appreciate you doing xyz and know you are trying to help, but can you ask first before helping, as it feels like you are overriding my wishes’.

Poodles can be quite neurotic, so the training may well be a very long process.

Consitency is key, if the fam can agree to follow doggos routine then I don’t see a problem.

however if they’re completely disregarding everything. Then you’re right to say no.

This.

That situation could be life threatening for your dog or another so I genuinely understand that would be a concern. Assuming they are usually quite reasonable people, sit them down and explain that you would love the help but it is only possible if they stick to your training guidelines. Or if you really are that uncomfortable with it try to politely say that for this reason you only feel safe with a (trained and qualified) dog walker. They are coming from a good place OP, most people would be chuffed to be offered help so try and acknowledge that.

Poodles can be really highly strung. Poodle crosses are often a high needs breed.

What size? Poodles were actually working dogs. And they are usually crossed with other high energy breeds.

However, extra walks doesn’t always tire them out. It actually makes it worse. It can also make their anxiety worse. They need a mixture of mental stimulation and physical. But the mental stimulation is more important. Without that, the dog is still hyper. So I wouldn’t suggest extra walks to tire the dog out. Especially if the dog is fine at home.

Your family have tried to help and you got snappy with them. They likely thought they were helping. You can communicate that it’s not helpful, without snapping

Yeah I completely get that - and that’s probably their view too - but yes I’ve already told them I’m planning to ask the dog walker for more help before the kids go back to school when I can walk him properly myself because she’s the one I trust the most to manage his needs and walk him correctly and they still went behind my back because they always think they know best and that’s what really grinds my gears

why post on aibu then?

Oh, there's no channel for 'only post if you're going to confirm my opinion'

Is there a back story of them overstepping? Because you are being very defensive considering they're actually trying to help. Fine, they were a bit blunt in their approach, but maybe they can see that it wasn't necessarily the best decision of yours to take in a dog from a previously bad environment when you and your daughter have limitations that stop you being able to exercise and train him properly. They could actually be thinking about the poor dog.

Highly strung, hyper, reactive, defensive unsociable

Are we talking about the poodle or the owner? 😬

If you read my OP you’ll see that yes they do it a lot with the dog, DD and my actual house. The dog is normally fine when we are in a routine - DD at school and the entire day devoted to training him. I can usually exercise him myself but I’ve been unwell the last 2/3 weeks and he has a regular dog walker. I think people need to realise this is a temporary issue with it being the Easter holidays and the dog Walker having a few days off - this is not what life is normally like and that’s what is pissing me off.

Well I would like your family to constantly interfere in every area of your life and then see how you would react. It’s easy sitting the other side of a screen isn’t it?

Exactly this.

It sounds like you unload your problems on to them, then get furious if they help in the manner they do.

Stop telling them about your "nightmare" dog who you have to pay someone to walk, can't walk with your own child, can't walk yourself a lot of the time, then being outraged when they organise something they think is helping with all the things you complain about, to them.

This sounds like the classic "my parents don't like my husband/best friend" and it then transpires the OP is round there every week telling them all the things they don't like that the DH/DF has done.

In that case, just don't open the door to them when they come round. Or tell them thanks, but you don't need their help but if that changes they'll be the first people you'll call.

They bring it up in conversation. My dog is well behaved at home. I don’t mind paying someone to walk him and it’s only the last 2/3 weeks I haven’t been able to walk him - normally I’m in the gym 5-6 days a week and walking with him 2 hours a day - probably a lot fitter than most of the people on here. So maybe get your facts right first.

It doesn’t sound like the dog is actually being trained though.

The dog is being trained but thanks for your thoughts.

Hmm I mean from “the other side of the screen” it sounds as though your normal routine with the dog is impossible because your dog walker is on holiday and your SEN dd is at home.

Your family proposed a solution - just thank them and decline.
It sounds as though you’re taking your frustration (at the difficult situation your choices have created) out on your family

Id suggest finding another dog walker/trainer as back up and making better plans for school holidays x

If you don’t walk him, who exactly is training him? Also, why wasn’t he trained as a pup?