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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what being a step-parent has been like for you?

94 replies

Valhalla22 · 30/03/2024 19:59

I've been considering dating options and thinking about what I'd do if I were to meet a man with children.
A lot of my friends say it would be a complete no-go for them sadly. I'm a little on the fence about whether I want to have children. I would to some extent like a child, at the same time I do enjoy being childfree and don't feel I'm in a financial position to deal with childcare costs.

That said I feel that I'd have a lot of love to give to a child. I have worked with children for many years, I don't anymore but think I'm caring, patient and I really enjoyed my time helping to look after the young children I worked with.

I don't think I'd be completely against becoming a step parent as such, I'm sure people don't actively seek to become one, that's just the situation they find themselves in.
I'm aware I probably sound awfully naive. It's clear from many threads on here that step-parenting can be an enormous challenge with a lot of resent from both the children and biological parents/ex-spouses.

Just wondered if there's anybody on here who truly enjoys being a step-parent and has on the whole found it a positive experience?

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 30/03/2024 20:03

It can be a huge challenge, but for me it’s been incredible. My DSS was young when I got with my DP and so I’ve been able to watch him grow up and we have a great bond - he’s like my little best friend.

But dating a parent means you will never come first…and really that is the way it should be, but it can be really hard to accept sometimes, especially if you don’t have your own children as it’s harder to understand. I don’t have my own so it’s been a struggle adapting. You will have to share a lot of your partners time and attention with their child/children.

There will always be the ex somewhere present - I’m lucky that I get on really well with DP’s ex but I know that isn’t the case for all step parents and it can be really difficult.

My DSS is going through an autism diagnosis and at times his behaviour can be extremely challenging. But he’s a funny, clever, loving, brilliant little boy and I wouldn’t change my life in any way.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/03/2024 20:05

I’m a step parent now but I also have kids. If I didn’t have kids then there is no way in hell I’d entertain a man with kids.

don’t do it. It’s really really hard work and you don’t have to!!

Hucklescar · 30/03/2024 20:10

Fucking abysmal. Avoid at all costs.
Unless you’re a step dad in which case it looks fine.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 30/03/2024 20:12

Ime the dc weren't the issue. Their dm's were horrific and made our lives a bloody misery.
When I threw dh out the realisation I never had to deal with those 2 again was euphoric..

Strugbug · 30/03/2024 20:16

I wouldn’t advise it to anyone

Notadoormat4 · 30/03/2024 20:16

The child wasn't an issue.

The other parent was the issue. This then later fed into how the child behaved whilst with us. Absolutely not their fault. The other parent just didn't want the NRP to be part of the child's life.

Never again.

Giraffe888 · 30/03/2024 20:17

When I split with my ex a friend said not to get with someone who had a child…but I did

I love my DH but I do wish I’d followed my friends advice!

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 30/03/2024 20:19

Remarried to a man without dc.. If he had told me he had some I would have walked away.. Met in a bar....

Eastre · 30/03/2024 20:19

Absolutely horrendous, worst period of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’d rather be single forever than date a bloke with kids again

waftabout · 30/03/2024 20:19

I wouldn't do it. I would actively discount any man with children unless they were well established adults with their own lives. Whether I wanted children or not, I would not be up for trying to blend families.

JenniferBooth · 30/03/2024 20:20

Im child free by choice and would AVOID

You also need to bear in mind that if you date a man with GROWN UP children you may still be expected to do regular childcare for THEIR kids. Grandparents (but we really mean the grandmother dont we) are increasingly being expected to do childcare so step grandmothers could well find themselves in this position.

Christmastree455555 · 30/03/2024 20:21

I met DSS when he was six, he’s 21 now! Admittedly it was HARD work, not DSS he was and is an absolute legend and love him as I do my own DC. ( didn’t have DC when I met DH and we didn’t until DSS was 12). However DH ex was a different story, unfortunately her mental health wasn’t great at all ( still isn’t now) and it made life incredibly hard at various points. I have zero regrets - times were so tough - but it was worth it….😍

Prydddan · 30/03/2024 20:22

As others have said. It is not about you being able to get on with childten - it is about having their DM in your life. She has influence on how your life will go, and a lot of power to upset your life and relationship with her children and her ex.

Mumof3confused · 30/03/2024 20:22

Jumping on here as a mum of three dating someone who doesn’t have kids. I’m just wondering what it is that makes dating someone with kids so bad? Aside from their toxic ex?

Bubblesdevire · 30/03/2024 20:22

My step kids are fantastic and I love them to bits

I think it helped I had my own children and their ages are compatible without being the same so minimal clashes iyswim between them all. Plus all the kids were quite a bit older when DH and I met.

I think it could be very challenging with younger children and also if you go on to have kids with the DH (I did not)

There is also zero animosity with any of the exes which also helps.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2024 20:22

Valhalla22 · 30/03/2024 19:59

I've been considering dating options and thinking about what I'd do if I were to meet a man with children.
A lot of my friends say it would be a complete no-go for them sadly. I'm a little on the fence about whether I want to have children. I would to some extent like a child, at the same time I do enjoy being childfree and don't feel I'm in a financial position to deal with childcare costs.

That said I feel that I'd have a lot of love to give to a child. I have worked with children for many years, I don't anymore but think I'm caring, patient and I really enjoyed my time helping to look after the young children I worked with.

I don't think I'd be completely against becoming a step parent as such, I'm sure people don't actively seek to become one, that's just the situation they find themselves in.
I'm aware I probably sound awfully naive. It's clear from many threads on here that step-parenting can be an enormous challenge with a lot of resent from both the children and biological parents/ex-spouses.

Just wondered if there's anybody on here who truly enjoys being a step-parent and has on the whole found it a positive experience?

My late husband had adult children when we got married and - later - a grandchild.

His adulterous ex used his relationship with his children in order to attempt to exert an amount of control. I kid you not, she even tried it after he died.

It might not be a problem in every relationship, but be aware that it can happen.

Eastre · 30/03/2024 20:23

Not to mention the fact that a lot of step kids never seem to grow up. Be prepared for the possibility of “weekend sleepovers” going on well into their late 20s (no I’m not exaggerating)

Nurder · 30/03/2024 20:25

You're focus is in the wrong place. It's almost never the kids that are the problem. It's the guilt ridden Disney dad or the one who simply refuses to parent or the ex that will never be reasonable and swaps contact on a whim. If you like the man take a good hard look at his ability to manage your relationship and his relationship with his kids/ex especially if you might have more kids with him.

Sapphire387 · 30/03/2024 20:31

I'm a step-parent but birth mother is dead. I don't think I could do it otherwise. And before anyone says it, she is 'birth mother', not mother, due to her alcoholism and abusive behaviour.

I'm in a lot of step-parenting groups and 90% of the trouble seems to be with the relationship with the other parent... not saying it is always the other parent's fault! But I'd be cautious and try and suss out the co-parenting relationship between the two parents before committing.

Hotdogity · 30/03/2024 20:33

I’d never date a man with kids. Absolute dealbreaker for me.

yogpot · 30/03/2024 20:36

I love being a step mum. I really do. No animosity with the ex at all, she’s not interfering, I barely know she exists and when I do see her she’s totally fine. Husband does all stepchild admin, I’m not in any way a skivvy. SC is a wonderful elder sibling to our own DC.

I didn’t seek it out, but I’m so glad it found me. It honestly feels like a privilege to have a child in my life in this way. It’s hard to explain. It’s very different from having your own child, but it’s very special. We choose each other, in a way. I choose to treat SC as my own. SC chooses to treat me as a parental figure (although not a mother, of course, wonderful mother already very much present). So it does feel special.

And honestly seeing my husband parent was a big part of why I wanted kids. He’s an excellent father.

Truly, it has brought me nothing but joy.

Grapesandcheesetwo · 30/03/2024 20:39

I love being a step mum and my step kids are wonderful. DH was widowed when we met though so a slightly different dynamic than when exs are coparenting. He's also a properly good dad and we parent together.
If you do want to be open to relationships with men with children do think about what their relationship with their ex is like, and also what they kind of parent they are and if that works for you. I appreciate that is tricky if you wait a mumsnet length of time to meet the step kids though!

Ponytailsandpinot · 30/03/2024 20:46

It depends on the person, and their ex and how they get on.

Also, you wouldn't be a "step-parent' as such straight away. you'd be dating someone with kids, so that's potentially sharing some of the work or times with the child, but with none of the authority.

Also, no matter how logical, sensible or right your opinions might be on how best to handle situations, from sweets at bedtime to tantrums, your opinion might not (ever) count, which can be frustrating if your heart is genuinely in the right place wanting the best for the child.

Prydddan · 30/03/2024 20:48

Mumof3confused · 30/03/2024 20:22

Jumping on here as a mum of three dating someone who doesn’t have kids. I’m just wondering what it is that makes dating someone with kids so bad? Aside from their toxic ex?

There will be conflicts at times where s/he has to decide whether to prioritise them or you. How, and how often, and in what kinds of circunstances those situations arise and how do you handle those situations when you and s/he disagree. Do the kids play you off against the new partner. Does theirvparent see this, excuse it, deak.with it well. Does s/he expect you to include them always, or take a case-by-case basis. Will yhe new parnter expect you to provide childcare to save them time and money and inconvenience. Will s/he expect you to love them and treat them "like your own".

Just top-of-my-head starters.

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