To ask what being a step-parent has been like for you?

[Valhalla22]

I've been considering dating options and thinking about what I'd do if I were to meet a man with children.
A lot of my friends say it would be a complete no-go for them sadly. I'm a little on the fence about whether I want to have children. I would to some extent like a child, at the same time I do enjoy being childfree and don't feel I'm in a financial position to deal with childcare costs.

That said I feel that I'd have a lot of love to give to a child. I have worked with children for many years, I don't anymore but think I'm caring, patient and I really enjoyed my time helping to look after the young children I worked with.

I don't think I'd be completely against becoming a step parent as such, I'm sure people don't actively seek to become one, that's just the situation they find themselves in.
I'm aware I probably sound awfully naive. It's clear from many threads on here that step-parenting can be an enormous challenge with a lot of resent from both the children and biological parents/ex-spouses.

Just wondered if there's anybody on here who truly enjoys being a step-parent and has on the whole found it a positive experience?

My ex long term partner ( dc1's father) had a child from a previous relationship ( so dc's half sibling) . He rarely saw her, and dc and I have no relationship with her.

Just wondered if there's anybody on here who truly enjoys being a step-parent and has on the whole found it a positive experience?

Yes, me to both those. Absolutely love it, my life has been enriched immeasurably by it.

On the whole very positive primarily because my step daughter is amazing and it has been a pleasure to be part of her upbringing however it has been very difficult with her mum and I’ve learnt a lot along the way. If DH and I were to split I wouldn’t do it again though.

It’s mostly been positive but I’ve never met a stepmum who says they’d do it again.

If you don’t end up wanting your own you’ll resent the restrictions being with someone who has kids puts on your life. The cost, the lack of spontaneity, where you’ll be able to live, the house you live in. Things you can’t currently imagine.

If you do, you might find it won’t be as you imagine and your kids and the life you can offer them will be compromised by the decisions other people who are unrelated to you make.

I think feeling you have love to offer a child is one of the worst reasons to consider being a step parent. It’s rarely as simple as wanting to love a child, that being welcomed or even tolerated by their parents, and the child happily accepting it.

@Mumof3confused it’s the ex that is generally the problem. However being an stepmum is much more complex than a stepdad role; mainly because you’re expected to care for the DC without actually having an inout or opinion in parenting whereas stepdads don’t have to do this and can just be the fun one

I'm a stepmum and I love it, DSS has brought nothing but joy into my life. I'm not sure I would feel like that if I didn't have dcs of my own though. For example, it's no big deal if our plans get ruined at the last minute because DSS is sick or whatever, because my plans are always getting cancelled at the last minute due to my own dcs needing me. I think I would feel very resentful very fast if that wasn't already my life.

Am I expected to help out with lifts and childcare? Bring them along on outings? Most men that I have come across have moved out of the family home- if they move into mine at I expected to turn over space for their kids? Are they comfortable having my pets around their children? Are they going to be flakey on dates because something has cropped up with their kids? Are they going to be able to pick up their share of our household expenses if they are supporting their kids and paying maintenance? Are their kids going to like and respect me-if they don’t is my partner going to have my side? Financially I am quite well set up- is there an expectation that that will trickle down to their kids?

Ok I’m gunna give it to you straight no dressing it up. Your experience if you decide to do it might be different. I fully anticipate the hate I will receive because Sm’s aren’t allowed to speak. You’ll get used to this

to summarise

1. you may feel alone a lot of the time
2. you may feel it’s you against your partner, his children and his ex
3. your happiness will largely depend on the type of dad he is
4. the ex is seen and heard far more than you’d expect or want
5. you may be made to feel guilty for having emotional needs and feelings
6. you may often be pushed to the bottom of the pile
7. you may feel like your home isn’t yours anymore, it may feel like a take over and you feel like a guest in your own home

in a little more detail from personal experience. My partner was a Disney dad but I spoke up and said I can’t continue if this is how life will be. We need rules, boundaries, respect and consistency. If this isn’t something you can provide I’m out.

1. I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone. There is little to no support for SM’s. Pages like this are usually a witch hunt. You are expected to be present without a voice and without recognition and appreciation

2. for a long time it was his and his exs way and the kids weren’t bad but we’re behind on the basics. My partner used to exes way for 10 years. They mostly with mum so her way goes majority of the time. Anything I suggested or stepped in with I was made out to be totally harsh, cold, unreasonable.

3. when my partner was in Disney dad mode I was unbearably unhappy. After crisis talks where I was so honest and said I can’t go on like this. I get your kids are important to you but allegedly I am too and they need to understand this. You need to send a message that I am here to stay and need to be appreciated and respected.

4. ex May feel she can dictate things despite the separation. Again I said put the boundary in that she is no longer your problem and she can fuck off. We would regularly get phone calls / messages questioning decisions made whilst in our care. For a long time he pandered to her. During crisis talks this was mentioned. Boundary finally set - keep your fucking nose out.

5. you will have to share your time with his children. Depending on the set up it may be a lot. You may want to do something just you two but kids. You may have planned something for just you two and kids call and he drops everything. If it’s not an emergency then this isn’t right but you may be made to feel like a monster for saying hey, I need to feel like a priority sometimes.

6. similar to the above, your needs will be pushed aside frequently. There is a lot more give in being a step parent than take.

7. they come over to your nice tidy clean organised home and just change everything. I personally get up earlier than my OH. I go down watch TV with my dogs for an hour. When his kids come - they’re downstairs. I hate it. Little things like I can’t walk around how I want, I have to watch what I say, be mindful of what’s on the TV etc etc

aside from my grandad dying this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Things for me have dramatically improved because my partner valued me and our relationship to find a balance. Despite it being fucking hard and not my chosen set up, there are moments that allow you to go on. For example took kids out today, they made their dad something. On the envelope, dad your my G, (my name) your my G’s G’s. Acceptance takes a long time both sides. It does have its moments that make you think ok, this isn’t the worst but it does have other moments leaving you internally screaming and having your bags packed.

It's been awful.
Sd mum has dictated my annual leave dates (despite not working so no idea why we just let her do that) sent photos of how to iron clothes as I was doing it wrong apparently, criticised and caused issue with every single thing we did. It was at a point texts were sent daily with what I'd die wrong.
Sd has broken my things deliberately, stolen from me and my children, broken their things, lied about us, lied to us. Told professionals how dreadful we are but turned up two days later for a fully paid for holiday. Which we provided terrified of what accusations were next.
We've been totally broken to the point of talking about living apart after six years married to make them happy. Truth is they will never be happy so we've now been cut off totally. After an intense grieving period we are getting on with life as best we can despite what we've been put through.

And, if you look for support - on MN or in real life - you get the bl@@dy bingo card. Starting with:
You knew he had kids when you got together with him

Anyone else like to add to the bingo card staples?

Good Lord no I would not recommend it and given the chance to turn back time, I would never have put myself through it.

A lot of the examples @EG94 gave hit the nail on the head.

Utterly thankless task. Steer well clear.

My ex's sons were already grown when I got with him, but they still caused us some issues! They weren't the reason we split up, but the attitude of a couple of them towards me certainly didn't help....

I am still close to the youngest tho, we text most days, meet up when we can. It's not a mother/son relationship, maybe more a cool aunty nephew one? But he will always be in my life and is the closest thing to a son I will ever have. It outlasted my relationship with his dad, as it goes!

So I can't regret the relationship with his dad. I wouldn't rule out a guy or woman with kids, but i'd integrate my life with theis only slowly and with trepidation....

You knew what you were letting yourself in for
his kids come first and above your own
step kids have to be included in EVERYTHING
you’re vile
you should love his kids as your own
you’re the reason you shouldn’t blend families
everyone should be unhappy to the SC are happy

fucking done after some twat today reported me for saying she has no place to comment on step parenting when she doesn’t have step kids and was a fucking hypocrite all afternoon.

this site I came to for support. What a mistaka to maka 😂

If mother died and you talk about marriage and adopting children?
Maybe yes.
Any other scenario?
Hard no.
You will be expected to provide free childcare although child got two living parents.
Ex will be abnormally involved in your lives.
You will constantly have to schedule life with ex in mind (all holidays, trips etc.)
Ex will have free night while you will be stuck with DSC and your own chuldren if you manage to get them.
If you have children they will receive less as part of fathers income needs to be spent on other child. Same goes to idea of joint finances an all.
You have no right over that child and if you break up after ten years you may never see child you grew to care fir and love.
And everyone will tell you how "surelly you can look after, feed, take care of a child as poor child is just a victim in all of this".
I have two children and would rather stay single or have a fuckbuddy than get involved in a relationship with man with a child.

No problems here with either Dp or blending the children. However we're both family and child focused. We don't have Victorian or micro management parenting styles.
Too many step parents try to impose. Then get all upset when it quite clearly is the wrong strategy from the beginning.

I'm a step-parent and it's been fine. But the eldest was already an adult when I married their Dad and just started uni, and the younger was only with us every other weekend. I wasn't expected to actually parent either, both are well-behaved and pleasant.

My DH had split from Ex years before and had several serious girlfriends since, so they didn't seem perturbed about their Dad being with someone else. His co-parenting relationship was drama free and Ex liked me but we barely ever see each other.

Step-kids and Dad also often meet up the three of them without me and I do my own thing.

So it's not at all the same experience as it would be for someone with a much younger child.

Same

I'm a stepparent. Recently married DH who is 40 and I'm 28. Kids are girl 17 & boy 13 but they was 15 & 11 when I first met them. so it's had its challenges. I feel more like their friend than anything and I'm closer to DSD than DSS, she was much more welcoming (even though I was more worried about her as she is daddy's girl) but overall we are all happy, we all get along well.

Almost none of this was true for me.

Of course DH pays for his other kids but it's never stopped me doing anything with our child.

Our conversations re holidays with his Ex go -
"We'd like to take Step-Child on holiday on X or Y date"
"X date is better for me"
"Ok".

I've never done childcare for step-child in the six years I've known them.

So much depends on the man, the ex, and child's age.

I have no dc by choice but i really like being a SM. Ex w was at times…interesting but I love my SD beyond words. And yes, she is well into adulthood now, but unlike a pp, I love it when she comes to stay, and now she stays with her dh and my gd. GD doesn’t know or care that I’m “step”. I’m her “nanny” (one of many!) and I love her. I think I’m in the minority but it has been nothing but a positive, for me.

As previously mentioned, it’s not the child or children that are the problem, it’s usually their mother.

i really struggled when i met dh because of his ex’s behaviour.

i had no children, not much life experience ( i was early 20s) and was really struggling with her.

This had an impact on dh’s relationship with his children and unfortunately he hasn’t seen them since they were primary school age. They’re now young adults.

i would never date a man with kids again.

I've not read all replies but I've been a SM for 25 years - I've seen DH's kids grow from toddlers to adults, I didn't have any of my own.

If you think it's hard when they are little and the ex is difficult and manipulative, wait until they get older and have relationships and children of their own whilst the matriarchal narcissism is in full force. There is constant drama which DH gets pulled into.

I adore my DH, he has his faults as we all do but he is one the best people I've ever known. Coming second to his 3 children for half of my lifetime has been extremely hard. The SC are not especially loving toward me, they are courteous but don't really talk to me or include me in much. So I feel largely worthless and playing the part of a pointless extra in their lives. I'm always there when they need money or financial advice, I facilitate their father in being as emotionally and financially available as he can be, but they show me very little affection which is quite painful as I never had children, so they're the closest I'll get.

If I had my time again, knowing what I know now? I wonder if I'd have bailed early on.

Saying don’t go for someone if they have kids is frankly a meaningless and overly generic statement. And at a certain point it limits your choices quite significantly.

My stepkids are lovely. Met them when DSS 9, DSD 6 and my DD 4.5. 10 yrs on we’ve had ups and downs but these are normal for parenting. Husband and his ex have a civil relationship which helps though not friendly You have to be really even handed, kind. I’ve aimed for kindly aunt status- read a book that said problems occur when you try to be a replacement parent - and I found that liberating. If you come in with ideas about sorting everything out, erasing the non resident parent out of the picture, badmouthing them etc, that I imagine is when it goes south.

I met my dh when I was 21, he was 25 with a 2 yo.

The parents were separated 18 months at that stage and I imagined (naively) a symbiotic relationship between all of us where the interests of the child would be a priority within reason and we'd all help each other out to make sure everyone was happy...

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 at 21 yo me.

DSD's parents were so immature and eaten with resentment towards each other (not something I had ever seen or imagined in an adult) that ultimately DSD was the last priority in their dealings.

I am still with Dh, he's been a good dad to our dc but I have often had empathy towards DSD s mum. But working with him rather than fighting him has been in my dcs favour.

Once DSD reached 23 and no longer due financial support, her parents lost interest in each other. 10 years on she has nothing to do with her dad.

I was held responsible by her mother (and sometimes, her father) for so much but they're not interested in me any more either. I did my best but of course it could have been better. But I never could have reckoned on the vitriol remaining after a broken relationship.

If my dc were in a relationship with dsc I would want to tell them to run a mile (which my dm possibly did 😳)

It does limit your choices, but you know what? I’m fine with that. I wouldn’t touch a man with kids with a barge pole.