To ask what being a step-parent has been like for you?

[Valhalla22]

I've been considering dating options and thinking about what I'd do if I were to meet a man with children.
A lot of my friends say it would be a complete no-go for them sadly. I'm a little on the fence about whether I want to have children. I would to some extent like a child, at the same time I do enjoy being childfree and don't feel I'm in a financial position to deal with childcare costs.

That said I feel that I'd have a lot of love to give to a child. I have worked with children for many years, I don't anymore but think I'm caring, patient and I really enjoyed my time helping to look after the young children I worked with.

I don't think I'd be completely against becoming a step parent as such, I'm sure people don't actively seek to become one, that's just the situation they find themselves in.
I'm aware I probably sound awfully naive. It's clear from many threads on here that step-parenting can be an enormous challenge with a lot of resent from both the children and biological parents/ex-spouses.

Just wondered if there's anybody on here who truly enjoys being a step-parent and has on the whole found it a positive experience?

My experience is very positive. My DSDs are now lovely young women. What made it easier for us was that we both had DCs of similar ages. They’ve always got on really well and are really close. They call each other siblings rather than step-siblings. Also, we had no further kids together ourselves which I think makes things less complicated.

The MN Stepmums that hate their stepkids usually seem to have had no kids themselves before getting together with their DH and now have their own DCs, and want the pesky DSCs out of the way. It appears they want a nice ‘clean start’ to family life without the ghosts of their DH’s past.

If you’re not prepared to put his kids first, or for him to put his kids first, don’t bother getting involved in the first place. It’s not fair. There’s no shame in admitting it’s not what you want, but don’t start it if it’s not sustainable for you.

My step daughter was 3 when I started seeing my now husband. We moved in together pretty much straight away. At the time I didn’t really give it much thought that he had a child. He was only just 20 when she was born and was only with her mum a short time. Her mum could be awkward though. She was already with someone and had another baby when we got together but used to chop and change weekends when she felt like it usually when we’d made plans wouldn’t let her stay at Christmas or in the school holidays which was upsetting for her dad. I never got involved in that and let them sort it out between them. She was a sweet little girl and had grown into a lovely young woman! I’m sure she had her moments when she was little but nothing that sticks out. She is now in her thirties, we have a really good relationship. She’s brilliant with her siblings.

I dated men with kids but just couldn't see how it was going to work when I already had two of ny own. I mean, one man had 3 so 5 kids would have been absolute madness and not for me! Couldn't have afforded it for starters; big enough house etc.
Met my now husband who had no children.
We now share a 3 yo together (his first and last). My other two are shared care with my ex-husband and are 13 and 16.

It has brought me alot of joy and I love my DSD dearly. However it is not for the faint hearted and there is a lot of sacrifice, especially as a step mother which I think is harder then being a step father.

And I say this as somebody in a relatively straight forward situation where everybody gets on. If there is animosity between the parents then I can imagine it being a nightmare.

Also if you do it please don't be somebody who has your own kids and then sees the step kids as in inconvenience. You really have to understand that they are just as important.

As someone living it I would never recommend for even a second- some days it drives me to the depths of depression. My SS (11) 99% refuses to speak to me and in 4 weeks has twice said ‘bye’ other than that he ignores me and walks off. My SD (15) stomps and cry’s if she doesn’t get her way and then goes back to her mums. DH ex constantly messages, changes plans and does what she wants with no regard for us. Such as asking us to have kids on her weekend and we couldn’t as we had genuinely had made plans to go away and the morning of plans she drops kids, drives off and turns her phone off for 2 days then calls them to pick them up when she is ready. It brings so much stress and uncertainty to our life and with me and my youngest DS having ASD it’s so hard and I hate it

@Flamingogirl08 I couldn't agree more with your last paragraph. Sadly I do get the impression from other threads on here that some step parents don't see the issue with treating their own children and their stepchildren very differently and I don't know how that must make the kids feel?
Yes of course there are going to be differences, but it must be painful for a child if they can clearly see their step parent loves their own child/children but chooses to have very little to do with them.
I wouldn't have married my husband if he didn't want to be involved in my sons' lives or help to raise them as a "team".

My DSD is incredible and I feel so blessed to have her in my life, she brings me nothing but love and joy and pride. but as others have said, her mum is generally good and everything is amicable, which I'm sure makes the difference!

Not all stepchildren will be actual children. Mine were 11 and 13 when I met their father. When we married 12 and 14, and the older boy moved in with us full time.
It was hard, but I wasn't a mother figure to them at all, but more a responsible adult if you see what I mean. I cooked and ferried them about as needed, but I wasn't a parent figure at all. I am fond of them (they are in their 30s now) but I certainly never loved them like my own children.

I am married but in a very rocky relationship which I don’t expect will last until my children are adults.
I would personally not go out with men who had children unless the children were adults and were stable.

My ex had 3 DC who were a big part of my life. I loved them to bits but honestly it was fucking rough (entirely due to ex and the kids mum, cannot fault the kids at all). This is going to sound like a negative post but I did find the time I spent with DSC incredibly fulfilling.

I think the biggest issue is that for me the kids should always come first. I bent over backwards trying to be the perfect 'stepmum' and always putting the kids first. My ex put himself first, then the kids, so I was absolute last place on everyones list of priorities. It's also so important that you and your DP (and to a certain level the other parent) agree on parenting/home issues or you'll end up having no control over your own home.

I'd honestly avoid getting into situations like that in the future. If I dated a guy with kids he would have to be pretty special and I'd have a list of criteria as long as my arm before I considered meeting them or being involved in their lives. The biggest red flag is someone who pushes you to meet the kids too quickly/before you're ready.

The worst part was when I found out my ex was cheating on me, I went from summer holidays spending 3 days a week just me and the kids to never seeing them again. Ex said it would be too confusing for them to see me anymore if we weren't in a relationship.

My ex was also an irredeemable twat, so that helped.

I'm childfree and the age range where a lot of available appropriate men now have children...am very, very wary and would rather be single.

Even though children can be fun.

Either I'd have to be a completely patient, giving, sacrificing, maternal extroverted type who enjoys a houseful (which I'm definitely not)

Or there'd have to be loads of spare money between us to smooth things over, and maintain affluent separate lives (like Princess Beatrice's husband) which seems unlikely!

I just don't think most of us are designed to feel the same about someone else's children than our own.

Some exceptions, but SOMEONE always ultimately feels hard done by.

We are all super-evolved animals competing for resources under our altruism!

Either step-mum compromises or the children.

Or if problems aren't there at the start, they appear down the line, especially when it comes to things like money and inheritance.

As a midrange child-free woman, most people aren't that socially interested in me and I'm quite invisible.

However, I have often found myself aggressively socially pursued by older men with children.

and they are always always super keen to integrate force me into their lives, and get me involved with their children...

(I expect they think my chromosomes and gender roles mean I'm going to start contributing to their children asap!)

There's no chance I would date a single parent and I am one myself but I never want to be a step parent, I'm ok being single though and would rather stay that way, been told I will miss out on some "great men" but I don't care, no way in hell would I date a man with children if I didn't have any myself!

I’ve found it extremely challenging. I’m not sure I’d advise anyone to do it, I also wouldn’t expect anyone else to be a step parent to my children knowing what I know now.

Nightmarish. The sdds were 18 & 21. Spite personified. I ended up being prescribed ADs before I finally gave up, and DS and I left.

Never again.

But you have kids yourself and you already had one round of easy childfree dating before the kids? It's just a bit hypocritical to expect to be able to have a second go round picking off the last remaining childless men even though you yourself have children. I assume your ex has to now try and blend families or has some childless woman taken him on? Maybe us childless folk should all be expected to do that, lest parents be inconvenienced by their own life choices.

You were just very lucky to find your current husband who didn't have kids and didn't mind that you did, most childless people are far less willing to date parents than even other parents apparently are...

And this is a perfect example of why many people without kids choose to avoid single parents. This poster has kids and couldn’t work out how two lots of kids would work financially- but the person without kids made the household more affordable.

There is no way I am inadvertently supporting someone else kids by going in on a three of 4 bedroom house so their kids can have bedrooms. If the poster and her original boyfriend were both financially supporting their own family units there shouldn’t have been a problem- instead they come right out and say they couldn’t afford to do it. No Thanks.

@Firefly1987 that's a ridiculous argument! 😄

@Hotdogity Your sexist generalisations hold no weight with me.
in fact, when my now husband first met me he was renting out a bedroom of a property because he couldn't afford to much else as a single man with no children (he works ft but in social care so pay not great).
When he met me I was living in a 3 bed-semi (privately rented) because I'm a teacher so this was do-able on my income, even with little kids. I was independent and thriving with my two boys.
What I wasn't prepared to do is meet someone with kids and lose all that I had worked incredibly hard for because three bedrooms in a small semi then wouldn't have been enough.

It's been bumpy to be fair but is actually quite nice now they are all properly grown up. I like who they are. Even getting on quite well with their Mum who was at some points the bane of my life.

I found it hard work when I was a stepparent. That’s because of the adults. My ex was the main culprit, but he along with his ex wife and the in laws made it a thoroughly miserable and stressful experience.

It wasn’t dsc’s fault, but I didn’t enjoy my role in their life 99% of the time. Parents of children in blended families bang on about how they expect stepmums to love and treat stepchildren like their own, but it’s quite difficult to do that when the parents MAKE it difficult!

Great if it worked for you.
I just don't want to be in the situation where I have to negotiate and ask someone about my hollidays like I am a teenager.
I don't want to share family money on someones other child.
Anything related to someones other child is a fucking chore, and my life is too short for that.
It is quite simple.

I agree completely. I previously dated men with kids- and whilst the dating pool is then bigger, it is just filled with men who are wholly unsuitable.

I don’t like my efforts going 100% to support our household, whilst he has money going out the door to support another family.

I didn’t like men I was dating eyeing up my house to see which bedrooms their kids could have.

I really didn’t like spending my money on toys for my dogs and one man complaining that I would bring gifts back for them and not his kids.

One man I dated said his kids felt uncomfortable around my dogs, so they would need to stay in the garden when his kids were round…whereas my solution was your kids can get comfortable with the dogs or you can go elsewhere. Caused a couple of rows before I binned him off.

Just not happening anymore

My sister was with her ex for about 6 years. The SD was 6 I think when they met and she had a 2 year old. The ex would just pander to everything his DD did. Never told her off, even when she was being naughty. Would shout at my niece and allowed his daughter to stay up all night eating sweets and no dinner. It caused loads of issues and in the end my sister asked him to move out.

It wasn't easy when they were little but now they are older it's fine. DSS and I have a cordial relationship and DSD is a friend now. They are my children's half-siblings and I think that makes a huge difference. I would never have 'blended' families with a man who already had existing kids with my kids. It can work but I think it's fairly rare. We are both very high earners and that helps smooth the way significantly. We could afford a house where everyone can have their own bedroom. The less resource you have the harder it is. If the Dad doesn't discipline his kids then it's just better to run! DH always saw our marriage as the foundation of our family and has always centred on it. If he hadn't then I'd have run! Him centring on our marriage has allowed me to be a very involved and loving stepmum.

when my now husband first met me he was renting out a bedroom of a property because he couldn't afford to much else as a single man with no children (he works ft but in social care so pay not great

This is a real problem with society

People without kids are back of the queue for social housing. Get very low benefits when unemployed yet when employed are expected to do all the crap shifts. The way society treats those without kids is the problem here.