To ask what being a step-parent has been like for you?

[Valhalla22]

I've been considering dating options and thinking about what I'd do if I were to meet a man with children.
A lot of my friends say it would be a complete no-go for them sadly. I'm a little on the fence about whether I want to have children. I would to some extent like a child, at the same time I do enjoy being childfree and don't feel I'm in a financial position to deal with childcare costs.

That said I feel that I'd have a lot of love to give to a child. I have worked with children for many years, I don't anymore but think I'm caring, patient and I really enjoyed my time helping to look after the young children I worked with.

I don't think I'd be completely against becoming a step parent as such, I'm sure people don't actively seek to become one, that's just the situation they find themselves in.
I'm aware I probably sound awfully naive. It's clear from many threads on here that step-parenting can be an enormous challenge with a lot of resent from both the children and biological parents/ex-spouses.

Just wondered if there's anybody on here who truly enjoys being a step-parent and has on the whole found it a positive experience?

I was a step parent for a while and will never be in a relationship with anyone with kids again, and I already have kids.

Not a SP, but my DH is - SD to DS1 who was 2 when we met 18 years ago.

He's got the patience of a saint. Dealt many years handling DS's Dad, ferrying DS backwards and forwards (as I didn't drive). Step parenting has had its ups and downs, but overall it's been a real pleasure - DS loves him to bits.

I for one am bloody grateful for him, and think he needs a medal. I'm not sure I could have done it!

@Firefly1987 My ex-husband is remarried to a woman around 16 years his junior (early 30s) who doesn't want any children of her own.
My now husband was looking for someone with kids as he had never been fortunate enough to be blessed with any of his own and had accepted that he more than likely never would be.
Would I have wanted to date someone with kids? No. As a ft working mum I had no intention nor capacity for taking on any more. I certainly would never have given up work and the housing situation wouldn't have worked.

I dated a guy with a kid in my 20s, never met the child but realised pretty quick that I rather be someone’s priority but also couldn’t respect or love someone who didn’t prioritise his DC.

If DH (of 22 years) and I split I couldn’t see myself blending families, defo not a step mum or marriage.

I love being a step mum but I am also in the position of both of us being amicable with ex partners so we don't have the situation of 'toxic / crazy ex' trying to exert control.

DHs DS is 3yrs older than my DS, they get on well without annoying each other too much and we're not planning to have any more children together.

Like any relationship you put in the work and compromise.

I wouldn't date a man with an ex who still tries to exert that control or has a problem with a new partner being around. Would make things way too exhausting!

I dated a man with two kids that could not be more different to mine (I have one). The man turned out to be a user too, although earned same and then more than I did. Managed to keep up the facade of a "nice" guy long enough.
Compatibility is key, but regardless, I will never be in a relationship with anyone with kids again, ever.

Too many compromises to make and Im not prepared to do this anymore for anyone (other than my child).

Im happy to stay single, and focus on raising my child. Life is hard enough without extra complications added to it.

This.

We are in our second court battle and about to give up because the poison from the other parent is relentless and is effecting every element of our life.

It is a lot harder than you expect-I get on great with SD/ex-but there is a lot more to consider than that.

How will your family accept step children for example? I have had to have serious conversations/arguments with mine, as I refused to allow SD to be treated differently to my children-a child is a child at the end of the day, and regardless of what has happened with the adults, never deserves to feel inferior in any way.

Unfortunately, not all will share this opinion. You have to be open, be willing to never be in the right (and just settle for being the least wrong you can be!) and I would recommend making sure you get along with the ex as much as possible. That won't always be smooth sailing either (even for the most rational of exes and step mums). Be prepared to reminded you are not the parent but be expected to step up as a parent.

That being said, being a step parent can be incredible. If you get it right, there can be real genuine affection and love there.

I think it depends on the ex. I know a few women who have SC where mum has passed away so that’s a different situation to most.

I have a friend who has 2 SC and 2 DC of her own. DH and ex get on great. In fact ex has been known to take her children for the weekend. I can’t imagine it happens often.

Similar to a PP, I don’t consider myself a Step parent - boys were 10 and 11 when I met DP so I’m more of another responsible adult in their lives. Reasons why I think it worked for me/us:

1. DP is a great dad, it’s one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.
2. I have no kids of my own so no worries about integrating families.
3. We took things very slow, the boys knew about me but we didn’t meet for 8 months and I didn’t stay over the first few occasions when we did meet.
4. I knew from day one that I would always come second to the boys, but DP never makes me feel like I am.
5. DP has never expected me to do any parenting/looking after, naturally as time has gone on and we now all live together there is now an element of this which helps us run a smooth household.
6. I like my alone time and encourage DP to have alone time with the boys.
7. I strongly believe that there are some things you just can’t understand or experience until you are a parent with your own Kids - seeing this first hand with my DP has given me a new found appreciation for my own parents.

Things that I have found hard -

1. While I don’t want kids of my own now (mostly due to age now - late thirties) if I had met someone like my DP when I was younger then I think it would have happened. I have on a few occasions felt sad that we will never have the experience of raising our own kids together and that he always has that tie/bond to their mum.
2. The boys life at their mums is very turbulent which can make things unpredictable. It’s hard to help them navigate through that, and remain impartial. I’ve actually found that move from 50/50 to living with us full time has made things more stable for us all.

There are so many variables that it can be very hard to predict how it all will pan out in reality, I would just say to not rush anything and be confident that your chosen partner is a good parent first and foremost.

Worst thing is that majority of childfree and a shitton of men with children will regularly say vile things like:"single mothers are the worst, I would never play someone elses game ha ha", and get away with that.
Although said mother is taking care 80-100% of children with her ex uninvolved and just looking for the next victim.
Everyone would be:"good that you have standards" if he is childfree, or: "woman with children will never put yours first, avoid!".

In contrast, outside of MN, everyone is expecting women to be some sort of Hallmark Christmas movie saint and feel priviliged to be in step childs life.
Althoug you are selected based on good income, free bedroom you have so father can increase childs stay and reduce payments.

I'd rather date bloke with a pack of racoons or adopt a crocodile. It would still be less mess and stress.

"In contrast, outside of MN, everyone is expecting women to be some sort of Hallmark Christmas movie saint and feel priviliged to be in step childs life.
Althoug you are selected based on good income, free bedroom you have so father can increase childs stay and reduce payments.

I'd rather date bloke with a pack of racoons or adopt a crocodile. It would still be less mess and stress."

Yes to all this!

Often a lot of sexism in the interactions as well... obviously not all and I agree some people do maintain a positive set-up

but pretty much a microcosm of the usual sexism in society..

Man praised for basic civility and gets two women running around him whilst he looks like the good guy and keeps hands clean.

(they generally play the innocent bluff bloke who just doesn't realise any problems and wants the best for everyone...but they spend ages trying to triangulate new girlfriend against ex so it's a PickMe game).

Woman can spend ages doing emotional labour, losing out financially, and agreeing to last minute changes or whatever works for the children, and STILL get painted as the scapegoat/jealous harridan/nag.

I was a step mum for about 5 years. Would never do it again. Wouldn't even just date a man with kids. Boring, stressful, draining, thankless and costly.

Driven me to the depths of despair. And ‘you’re the adult’ so no one cares.

Never again.

Run like the wind, there’s plenty of lovely free people, don’t do it.

Reading this, I'm kind of glad I met a man without kids of his own now! Second time around - I was 36 when we met and he was 42. I had two boys - they were 6 and 9 at the time.

Depends what age they are. The younger they are, the easier to bond imo.

It's hard work.

As other's have said, it's the other parent that makes it hard. My step child's mother has been full on crazy at times. There were many times I felt like the 'other woman' too, even though they'd been apart for 10 years before I came on the scene.

I've also been scared to speak to step child about certain things (behaviour/attitude) for fear of his mother and that has strained our relationship further by making me resentful.

OK why?