Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

Terry Two Phones might be a bit of a liar.

I'm unsurprised he hasn't 'needed' you for any GP visits and that you've never met his GP. Have you been to any medical appointments where you met staff that regularly treat him? i.e. not A&E or walk-in services. Seen any paperwork that confirms what he has?

Illness isn't an excuse to be an abusive twat.

It sounds like absolutely everything is tiptoeing around his illness.

You need to ring-fence time just for you.

It is possible that's true

As I said, I do know of someone who has a daily 'mental health' call

And no, I don't know how or why it was set up.

Horrible thing to say.No we have to help others.

Why would he do that when he has the OP right where he wants her?

OP what was his relationship situation before you met?

You said he become ill a year after you met. Has this been set up been going on for 3.5 - 4 years now?

What's a horrible thing to say?

And yes, we should help others. if we can and not at the expense of our own lives and family

He’s managed to completely isolate you (except for your son three days a week). No friends, family or work colleagues! And even the ones you speak to on the phone, he’s constantly putting down trying to isolate you further.

He’s got absolute knowledge of where you are everyday, what you are doing and who you speak to.

He allows/doesn’t allow everything you do, including dictating what time you are allowed to go home.

He’s so ill that the gp rings everyday but when the gp can’t get hold of him, the gp isn’t worried enoughto send an ambulance around straight away, despite the fact the obvious answer for him not answering is that he’s dropped dead.
You can’t bring germs in from doing your job properly, as it compromises his health but it’s ok for him to choose when he goes to the cinema or it’s ok for him to compromise his health by drinking and smoking - which are stroke factors for anyone, let alone someone in his position. Who stops him from dying between 12 and 8am?

You can’t question, do anything against his wishes because getting stressed is bad for him.

He’s got absolute control over you. Absolute!
Google coercive control. Do the freedom programme online from women’s aid.

Your poor ds whose needs aren’t getting a look in.

No way for him to live????
This is no way for YOU to live. .
He is keeping you where he wants you by using his illness . He is a control freak he’s isolated you . You are miserable no friends can’t enjoy your work .
This is all about HIM.
End the relationship don’t waste any more years.
Dont be guilt tripped by him . Start breaking away slowly .

I'm not really sure why you've posted OP. I've read all of your posts, are you just wanting to vent?

You're with a self involved man who will suck everything out of you. You seem to want to let him do that.

If you let him go he would have to address his life and maybe have a better quality of it when services step in and he doesn't have a choice.

I'm not really sure I believe a GP rings him daily though, no GP has time for that. Maybe he's pulling your leg a bit there like. He should have been referred on if he needs this level of supervision

So much good advice on here if the OP decides to take it.
One important issue - you are breaching confidentiality workwise by allowing him to listen in to your work calls. Whether you're discussing children, teachers, colleagues or schools, him hearing the discussions is a massive breach of confidentiality and would I suspect constitute a charge of gross misconduct.
That needs to stop immediately.

OP Has he got a personality disorder of some kind?
I think he may have some kind of life limiting illness and has maybe being a nuisance caller to his surgery.
Perhaps the daily call and diary are the GPs way of managing his mental health and health anxieties?

What is his actual illness. I’ve never heard of one with that mix of symptoms.

1. Has to be woken up every two hours.
2. Had to get a daily GP call (that is 100% not true)
3. Needs someone on hand for 18 hours a day
4. Cant go out except to the cinema and theatre (WTF?)

OP, to me it sounds like his ‘illness’ is actually his need to control you and could be part of his OCD.

He has isolated you from your friends and family and you are even prioritising him over your son. I know you said he was wonderful in other ways, but these ways are not helpful to you. What is to his advantage is to your disadvantage and that’s not the way it works in a healthy relationship. His conditions, whatever they are (or are not) are not your conditions. You are not a trained health professional and you are not equipped or responsible, mentally or physically, for this man. You are basically his controlled carer.

I can’t imagine for one second your employer would be thrilled to learn that someone was eavesdropping on your work conversations - that’s not normal. OP, he’s not going to change, so you need to work out what you want from the rest of your life and start planning a future in which you put you and your son first. You are not less important and of less value than this man.

You say he has money? He should pay for support and a cleaner.

Op sorry to say this but you're being a mug. Are you sure he isn't drowsy because of the drinking?

I also think he's lying about the GP.

See your friends and family. He's isolating you.

Concentrate on your ds. You could miss something with being so enmeshed with this man.

Only read first couple of pages but OP seems determined to put up with it all!!

Oh yes, and the ‘agitation brings on symptoms’? Does than mean he pretends to have a heart attack/faints/has a fit the minute he doesn’t get his own way? That is extremely controlling. It’s basically saying ‘Do what I say or you’ll be responsible for my death’. I think the word narcissism is thrown about far too freely on here, but I’d put money of him having some sort of personality disorder and you are his ‘supply’. What is his relationship history? Because if you left I bet he’d find someone else within the month.

This absolutely sums up what I was too gob smacked to articulate.

I wonder how / why his previous relationships ended?

This is all just utter batshittery

OP, you said on one of your threads last year that he was controlling and that you even doubted what he says (in relation to the GP and his health 'status').

I’m not sure why you posted @cakedup as you seem determined to believe all the crap he tells you and carry on because you love him and don’t find him a burden . What did you want to get from this thread ?

This reminds me a lot of some posts I read here about elderly parents. The parents refuses to get external care (even if it's free) refuses to move house, etc just slowly drives their (usually) daughter slowly into the ground with their needs/demands while she is working full time and looking after her own family.

He is an adult who needs to take care of their own needs.

The talking about taking their own life is a kind of emotional manipulation even if it's presented in a calm rational way rather then a direct threat.

I get a weird feeling about everything you have written, it reminds me of some of the stories you hear about women with men living a double/fake life and pretending they work for MI5 so are 'away' slot. It just seems so contradictory and unbelievable. I don't doubt he is ill but it's very easy to exaggerate these things.

He is massively concerned about dying/his health but only where it effects YOUR life. He doesn't stop smoking or drinking or living in a hoard but needs you to stop him from dying in various ways (the phone call thing, the compromising on you job) the diary entry.

The doctor calls just doesn't ring true too. Which doctor nowadays has the time to call a non critical patient everyday? If he has two phones I would bet good money that he is calling himself just do he could ignore it for you. Insist you answer it for him one day!!

It all seems to be a way of reinforcing how terribly terribly ill he is but it isn't affecting him living exactly how he wants. But is it effecting how YOU live to a massive degree.

Him being ill doesn't mean he isn't abusive. Being abusive doesn't mean he's awful all the time. He's just nice enough that you stay on the hook until the next time he shouts at you, or smoked in the house it makes another batshit request.

It sounds like it's all escalating too.

I remember you op, you’ve posted about him before haven’t you? Please please get out of this relationship, for the sake of your son. I know that MN can be very black and white about these things, but your priority has got to be your child. You may think that your issues with your partner are none of his concern, but trust me, they will affect him. If nothing else, you are modelling a toxic relationship and this for him will seem the norm. You seem to be at pains to point out that your DP loving and caring, yet none of your posts here or in other threads show any evidence of that. I think a lack of self esteem is leading you to put up with a so much shit, you deserve so much more.

This. Are you sure he is not exaggerating his condition to keep you at his beck and call 24/7?

Your poor son. My own teen would go crazy if I was on the phone to someone the whole day every day and they would overhear all our conversations/everything we're doing. That's not normal!!!!

He doesn’t love you OP. He does the bare minimum to keep stringing you along. I don’t think you really love him either tbh. It’s an unhealthy dependency you have on him.

if the illness stuff is true he’ll be dead in 10 years anyway so you’d be on your own then. Also the reason for your loneliness now is the face he’s isolated you .

but you aren’t going to change anything you’re going to continue wasting your life on this abusive arsehole, let yourself be treated like shit, and he’ll probably outlive you as there’s I bet fuck all actually wrong with him

I would hate to have all my time to myself, I'd feel so lonely without him.
That's because you no longer have your friends or family around you. Start by ring fencing one day a week so you can reconnect with those special people. Go to their house for an hour, go out for lunch, have a coffee. Just something small to start with. But without him, including no open line.

Start putting him on proper telephone hold when your son comes in for a chat. He should NOT be listening in on those conversations. No wonder your son's mental health is so bad.

Contact Women's Aid for support for you. Tell them exactly what you have told us so they can signpost you to the relevant support.

Contact your GP and ask for a counselling referral.

Ask to speak directly to his GP, face to face, in a GP surgery, with receptionists and other patients around and is a practice you can look up online on a virtual yellow pages way. If you are caring for him then you need to know EXACTLY what you should be doing, or not doing, AS YOU COULD CAUSE MORE HARM!!!
If he refuses or insists on phone call only then that will be a huge red flag and you should stop all care immediately. I'm serious about that.

Start putting in very small boundaries, you need them for yourself and your son. Your son really needs his mother - where is she?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

@Smittenkitchen

I had thought that at least you did that and that was a minimum boundary you were maintaining.

It sounds like DS has to ask to speak to his Mum & the partner stays on the phone line listening in. It's really not fair on her DS. His Mum is unavailable unless he goes and asks if he can have some of her time. It's a really sad situation for the poor kid. To know someone else is always listening in. It's like when the Stasi used to bug people's houses and apartments.