Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

This person doesn't love you.
He's a lying abusive creep.
I have recently been very ill and I would never want my DH to comprise his life for me.
I offered to go into a home as my care needs have been high. That's what love looks like. My BFF had an ex husband who told her he was dying, the bastard is still here 15 years later. Coercive control is spot on.
Leave and ring his GP and say over to you.

If I were a family member or friend of yours I would think you had lost your mind but would also be furious with you for being so careless of the needs and feelings of everyone else who have been there for some or all of the other 47 years of your life until you met this strange individual. I think you are framing this in some way as you just being too kind and soft and loving but that's letting yourself off the hook. You have a whole life and set of responsibilities and relationships, including your son, family, friends, wotk/colleagues and all are as nothing compared to some bloke. This does not make you too kind or soft, it makes you severely lacking on emotional intelligence and respect for the other people in your life. You are living your life based on the (real or imagined) needs of the person who demands the most of you to one of the most extreme degrees I've ever heard and you need serious help in both extricating yourself from this and finding out how the hell you got yourself into this situation in the first place..

No no no. He needs a care worker, or to be in residential care. You will make yourself ill, and dangerous to drive. You can't pour from an empty cup op, a cliche but a useful one.

This bloke is taking you for a mug. There is no way his doctor calls him every day. He is smoking and drinking heavily and yet he is worried about a stroke? That's the most stupid thing I've heard. It's nearly as stupid as not bothering to answer the phone because it's the doctor and although he's talking to you he can't be bothered talking to the doctor.

This sounds like a complete mess and honestly I would withdraw from the relationship.

^^This. It really cannot be true, no GP is going to phone any patient every day, that’s ridiculous.
I honestly think he’s manipulating you OP, he’s got you completely hooked and is calling all the shots.
It sounds incredibly unhinged and unhealthy to me. He’s lying, he’s not what you think at all, there’s something dreadfully sinister going on.

Is dominant the new code for abusive now? Leave OP, you’re not married, you don’t live together, you’ve no obligation to be a carer to an abusive mank who’s taking your life away piece by piece

Also not even patients dying of cancer speak to a doctor every day. My brother has a condition where he was growing scar tissue at an alarming rate in his lungs and not even he gets daily doctor calls. There isn’t any need, and doctors don’t have the time to keep that close an eye on their patients either.

There's something really odd about this.

Pull back and say you can be his friend but not his carer.

I’m thinking that too

Maybe it’s this?

Shared psychotic disorder (folie à deux) is a rare disorder characterized by sharing a delusion among two or more people in a close relationship. The inducer (primary) who has a psychotic disorder with delusions influences another nonpsychotic individual or more (induced, secondary) based on a delusional belief.

It's not "odd", it's bog-standard abusive man with MH problems hoodwinks vulnerable woman. There are similar cases going on all over the country every day, although the circumstances of this one are a bit extreme.

@cakedup if he is lying to you about the GP calls and the peculiar diary business, what else might he be lying about? Someone else asked a really good question about who is keeping him alive overnight, if you are doing it all day. That might be something for you to think about as well.

I think at the very least you meed to say that you are going back to your original role of going into schools (if that's an option). He won't be able to have his control line open all day long, and it will do you good to be back in face-to-face contact with other people who know and like you.

we know the DP is a hoarder. Then there is:
incessant diarising of symptoms - so important that the OP helps him with it. Daily external monitoring (the GP), magical thinking (the OP has to be up till a certain time, on the phone, or he’ll drop off to sleep and die). Plus the absolute weirdness of having a phone line open all day 🤷‍♀️

I haven’t read TFT but the phone line being open thing is very odd. If he’s at risk of seizures get some telecaster in place so that if he has a seizure it calls emergency services, if he wants to address the hoarding, there are loads of charities and local authorities often help (especially if he is a vulnerable adult by virtue of the health issues).

You’re taking on too much yourself here.

His illness isn’t responsible for his controlling personality.

You have allowed yourself to be cut off from friends, family and the best bits of the job you enjoyed because of his immunity problem but he still insists on visits to the theatre and cinema. Can you see how contradictory this is ?

He has always been a hoarder with a filthy, smoke filled, poisonous house.

He is impossible to live with ….as you found out during covid.

Sharing the same sense of humour is a tiny part of the whole of everything else necessary in a successful relationship.

OP, you are physically exhausted, emotionally drained, extremely unhappy, suffering from abuse, and just can’t see the wood for the trees.
This isn’t just about his illness is it.

You aren’t married or living together. He is your boyfriend.
But you have allowed him to become your prisoner. And you have allowed yourself to become his carer as well as his kicking boy.

I wish you well with making changes to free yourself from terrible state of your life. Very little of it is good for you or what you deserve and by the way, it isn’t good for him either !

^This

@cakedup You absolutely need to find a counsellor as a matter of urgency to unpick all this.

It's utter madness to live the way you do. You're more enmeshed with this man than I am with my husband of 40 years. And not in a good way. You're being suffocated and subjugated and it's affecting every aspect of your life.

What would your employers think (and do) if they knew?

NOT his choice to make!

Absolutely not!

This is absolutely ludicrous

Actually, I do know someone who has a 'mental health' call from her GP every day.

There is a window in which they call and she goes frantic if it seems like it won't happen (it always does)

Because that would be REALLY outing?

And no-one owes us all information even when they're asking for help

I know of someone whose GP does this

It means that he has the money to pay for care (let alone what he may be entitled to) but he still grips on the OP

OP
I have a family member with a serious condition. There is a specialist nursing team available and we have 24/7 access to medical personnel either from the specialist team or the ward. My family member has had it suggested that they keep a symptom diary as well.

My family member is also immune suppressed because of their medication.

The only time a medical person calls us is to arrange an appointment or talk through test results. We do not get random calls checking in, and certainly not on a daily basis. (And it is the specialist team that calls, not the GP).

The symptom diary is for the benefit of my family member, so they can track what activities, foods, situations impact their condition, and also so that they have earlier information about any negative change in their condition. The diary doesn't get looked at by any doctor. I mean I guess they would take a look if we asked them to, but no one has time to read a daily diary entry of symptoms.

My immune suppressed family member attends school and isn't especially more likely to get ill than other people. Obviously this may differ but that is our experience.

I am sorry your partner isn't well but there is no way that he isn't using his situation to exert unreasonable control and influence over your life, whilst making almost no positive changes to help himself in his own life.

The daily open phone line must stop. You being able to visit schools must start again. Your son needs to be prioritized over this man - as someone the same age as you with a similar age son I find this part particularly upsetting.

If your partner won't allow those things whilst making precisely zero changes to his filthy house, his chain smoking, his ability to go to the theatre, his drinking.....then he's a wanker. Sorry.

Of course he does!

He's reeling you in!

This is so classic abuse I don't know where to start.

Think about your son and get yourself some counselling.

I'm getting cross now!

There is technology that would allow him to dictate his diary and put it in text form.

Please, please wake up!

Of course you would - because you've distanced yourself from all your friends, family and workmates.

Who would all be utterly horrified if they really knew what your day-to-day life is like.
Lose him and there's room for them again.

And to be blunt (and I'm not trying to be spiteful) if his illness is terminal, what will your life look like when he's not here?