I hate our holiday and want to go home

[Backwoods57]

I need to rant.

Day 10 of a 13 day visit to the UK. We moved to the USA in 2014 and have to come back every year because MIL can't afford to visit us, and is scared of flying. We are in Aldershot/Farnham area. There is nothing to do apart from walk up and down dead high streets. Traffic is terrible, I smell the pollution and cigarette smoke everywhere.

If we don't come we get a massive guilt trip about MIL not seeing grandkids etc.

This trip cost $4000, we have done very little apart from visit family and sit in my SiL's cramped dirty messy house.

2 weeks of my 3 week vacation allowance has been thrown away. I have start working remotely for A. Something to do, and B so I can claim some vacation days back.

I miss my home, our dogs, I miss countryside and wildlife, I want my space back.....and tap water that doesn't taste like bleach.

Yep we do, it's an important skill, and a fun family hobby

Having been to the US recently I can't believe you are finding the UK expensive. The US is eye wateringly expensive at the mo. It kinda feels like you are determined to be miserable and moan about a trip you don't want to make

Yup it is and the OP seems to enjoy knocking the UK while going about it

Sorry OP but this is ridiculous. You’ve travelled for 10 years to the exact same place to stay in someone’s small house, never go anywhere, rely totally on someone else driving you around, never use public transport, never plan anything to do, have no spending money then wonder why you’re bored and fed up?! 🤣

If I went to the USA and did the same thing I’d be just as bored because the US isn’t to be found inside a relatives small house- you have to actually go out and about to see it. The same applies to the UK.

This is entirely down to you and the fact that even after 10 years of this you still haven’t taken any initiative.

You knew you were coming with no spending money, so what were you expecting to be doing while you were here?

As a thank you to sil why don't you and dp offer to clean and tidy her cramped, dirty, messy house? That would give you something to do at least.

Every year you spend £4000 to come for two weeks with no hire car or spare cash?? that'd. be a no from me

It does sound like a very poorly planned trip. England isn't exactly a big country, you could definitely have organised some other traveling around / stuff to do

Indeed. My partner goes every couple of years (I went once, for 4 days and decided it wasn't worth the extra money for me to accompany her) to see her brother, who lives on a beautiful lake in Connecticut. It's gorgeous but she's basically stranded there (apart from walking around the lake, which takes about 45 mins, there is nowhere else to go to) and a week is more than enough for her. He takes her out but has a very ill and disabled wife so outings are limited.

She also comes back each time aghast at what everything costs over there...

If I were the OP, I'd be doing one of the 'let's go somehwere else with MiL' options.

Taxi or bus to a train station and head into London, loads for children to do and under 5 they will travel free.

I am up near woking (no need to visit to woking - we don't!).

In London the science museum has a great play area in the basement.

There's tons to do with children in that area. Tons.

It's true. There are loads of things to do. Too late now but can you do something in the day and then go to relatives for tea or something. There are some grim areas but you are on the doorstep of some lovely places.

I don’t buy this. On the off chance this is true, there are 1000’s of lovely things to do with under 5’s in that area and if you take a train to London etc. many of those lovely things are free!

Love this idea!

are you from the UK, op? The way you talk about it sounds like you're not from here.
Do you get on with sil and
mil? Reading between the lines, you dislike your in-laws and the UK?

Can you not hire a car? Aldershot and Farnham both have stations and Farnborough probably does. You can get out there!

Shooting and hunting are important skills?? think you've been brian washed by Amurica 🤨

We moved to the USA in 2014 and have to come back every year because ....

Stopping you there, OP. No. You really, really don't.

However, once a precedent has been set it's more difficult to break in the first instance. You're going to have to be prepared for - and impervious to - pushback. It will be hard pushback to begin with, and you'll simply need to ride it out. Remember that you can't change others' behaviour, only your own.

I can't recommend Susan Forward's Toxic In-Laws highly enough: she provides al manner of gentle, low-conflict strategies for dealing with just such situations as these. Grey rock is your friend.

This needs a hard line in the sand now. Unfortunately the only person who can draw that line, since it seems your partner will not, is you.

US holiday entitlements tend to be much less generous than British ones. An indefinite sentence of expending yours like this - every single year? - is far beyond a reasonable expectation. As for this year, I really don't blame you for wanting to go home. In your shoes I think I would.

I'd suggest coming less frequently but with a bigger budget. Also later in the year for better weather if you can, I'm not sure what school terms are like in the US. There are some fantastic free museums in London, the West Sussex beaches are great (a PP mentioned West Wittering), you're not far from Legoland. Every 2 or 3 years might feel more manageable too.

Agree!

@Backwoods57 next year or better in 2 years time your kids will be older and easier to manage

and there is literally no reason why your H could not handle bringing the kids by himself. Countless single parents do this kind of stuff all the time. It’s not impossible. He just doesn’t WANT to have all the work to himself.

manage his expectations and say you’re not doing this again. That if you have to come over it won’t be to stay with SIL, and be dependent on her, it’ll be Airbnb or whatever and a hire car. If that means your family comes over less often. So be it.

I think had you done some planning, if you’d had a car etc you might have felt a lot different about it all.

there ARE plenty of places to visit, but it’s far better if you are not dashing back for this that and the other, and things like a network rail card or similar can save you 30% on train fares off peak so if you’re going further afield a couple of times the discount pays for the £30 card Itself

I wonder where your sister in laws thread is? I bet she well looks forward to you rocking up

This sounds like the best plan - come less frequently but get an airbnb and hire car?

If she's that bothered about seeing her grandkids she can get on a plane

This protestation is constantly being wheeled out, on in-law threads in particular. I'm unsure as to its exact endgame, other than to suggest the issue is all on the OP. It's lazy reasoning not to mention irrelevant: a cousin of 'I couldn't get worked up about that'. We are not required to like everyone, any more than we are able to make them like us. This really isn't the end of the world.

OP's precise problem on this occasion is that she's been too accommodating, not insufficiently so.

Being held hostage by rigid dull in-laws, my god I feel for you.

Sending support, I'd have hit the bottle by now.

kids under 5 so probably travel free on buses https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/roads-and-transport/buses-and-other-transport/bus-timetables/maps-of-routes-and-stops

Go and see some countryside.