I hate our holiday and want to go home

[Backwoods57]

I need to rant.

Day 10 of a 13 day visit to the UK. We moved to the USA in 2014 and have to come back every year because MIL can't afford to visit us, and is scared of flying. We are in Aldershot/Farnham area. There is nothing to do apart from walk up and down dead high streets. Traffic is terrible, I smell the pollution and cigarette smoke everywhere.

If we don't come we get a massive guilt trip about MIL not seeing grandkids etc.

This trip cost $4000, we have done very little apart from visit family and sit in my SiL's cramped dirty messy house.

2 weeks of my 3 week vacation allowance has been thrown away. I have start working remotely for A. Something to do, and B so I can claim some vacation days back.

I miss my home, our dogs, I miss countryside and wildlife, I want my space back.....and tap water that doesn't taste like bleach.

It's not a holiday if you are just visiting relatives in a place that you wouldn't choose as a holiday destination. I mean, it's time off work, but it's not a holiday as such. So YABU to expect it to be as enjoyable as a holiday.

If MIL refuses to travel then she either needs to accept that you are only able to visit once every 2 years, or she needs to contribute to the cost of the visits. And if you really dislike staying where she and SIL live, go and spend time with her somewhere else (that she can travel to by car/train).

What about your family, do they live in the UK and do you visit them?

UK tape water is amazing in Wales or Somerset or Yorkshire. I think it's the location that's the problem. Can you rent a cottage in a more open space

Your problem isn't the UK. It would be the same if you went to one quiet town in the USA and did nothing but a couple of half day trips.

Book a cottage somewhere nicer next time. Spend a weekend at MILs and see SIL then hire a car or go by train to somewhere more interesting and take MIL with you.

I’m sorry, this has properly irritated me. You’re just so down about it all but this situation is entirely of your own making.

Why don’t you come during shooting season if you like to hunt? We’ve been with the goddaughter every year since she was two - she used to have the cutest little pink camo ear defenders 😂

Seriously…the UK is amazing. In England alone, we have a huge variety of beauty. From spooky cave networks in the Chilterns to the wilds of the Lakes, and from underground boat rides to see stalactites and stalagmites in the Blue John caverns in the Peak District to wild ponies and Iron Age settlements on Exmoor. Gosh, and never mind the 300-odd castles on the Welsh:English border. I’m in North Yorkshire, myself, and we can do a lot for relatively little outlay in easy distance. I’m continually amazed by the pockets of beauty I can find.

Come at a different time of year, when kids are out of school and plan ahead what you want to do. If you all hire a cottage it becomes a LOT cheaper and agree to have time together and time to yourselves.

On top of that, this is your DH’s family. My FIL died suddenly in 2019 and my MIL has deteriorated massively since, going from a strong, active, vigorous lady to one who can barely put one foot in front of the other thanks to Parkinsons. One of his two aunts has died and his uncle is now terminal. I would give ANYTHING for him to have one more family get together with them all like we did just six years ago. Anything at all. And we just live 5 hours away.

Anyway, emotions aside, I can’t stand whingers…if you come over here during term time, don’t hire a car and just sit in your SIL’s living room all the time (when you’re not sneering at the local high street), you thoroughly deserve to wallow in your snobbish misery. These days will be gone sooner than you think and then your DH will have precious few reasons to have to come back here, to a place you clearly loathe. If you love him, the profound ache that loss will clearly leave in him will hurt more than your vapid irritation and pique at using your holiday days on this now.

And that’s my rant done.

I'd never go on holiday without making plans. You have your own free will and can explore.

With it being Easter there will be so many free Easter events that you can join in with in the local area. You just need to get out there and find it - look up the local Facebook group and loads of people will be asking what Easter events are on this weekend.

If you're really desperate for a bit of shooting you could even head over to the range at Bisley, it's about 20 minutes away.

Personally from where you are I'd be heading for a walk around Hogmoor Inclosure, checking out their Easter events and then getting an ice cream at Dylans. Minimal cost, exploring the heathland and getting out in nature.

I’d take York over London any day

Tbh York has had its day imo. Over crowded and doesn't have the infrastructure to cope. So every shop and eateries are all rammed.

Just spend time with the actual people you've come to see op. Lunch out, park with the kids, bit of shopping. It isn't shooting animals true but you've got all that fun to return to.

@LaughingCat I love you!

I hear you. The holiday entitlement in the US is less than here and I wouldn't want to give up most of my annual leave doing this holiday, either. I guess it's a difficult position as you both agreed to move away from his family so time with his family needs to be figured into things, also and seems like it's the only way to do it. Could you maybe just go every other year or him go on his own one year and you the next? Do you have friends and family in the UK yourself you could go visit whilst he catches up with his?

@LaughingCat brilliant post, I can be very negative at times, I need you as a life coach.

Ok I’m in Scandinavia so not even the UK. My dh is from a 24 hr flight away, so I know where you are coming from. You’ve been doing this for 10 years, you knew what to expect. It is your lack of planning and possibly lack of money that is ruining this holiday, not the UK. You say you miss the views, but you are making no effort to go anywhere where you would actually see any nice views.

I would not want to sit in a crappy house with relatives in the US not going anywhere because no car. It is the same thing. It would be the same thing in any country.

You and your dh need to step up, it’s your life, your holiday, your money, your time. Don’t waste it.

And shooting just for the fun of it is just vile.

I like York, although last time I was there it was choc full of Geordie hen parties.

But if you’re in Hampshire it’s not that practical. You’d have to go into London to get there anyway. And there’s nothing in York that doesn’t have its equivalent in London. The Minster? Westminster Abbey or St Paul’s. The Railway Museum? The Science Museum. The Jorvik Centre? The British Museum. The walls? The Tower. And that’s only scratching the surface of what London can offer, and from Hampshire you can be there and back in a day.

@LaughingCat well said

The OP does sound incredibly self obsessed

Hi op, you are not unreasonable.

I only get to spend a month to 6 weeks in the US every year, but I cry my eyes out when I have to come back to the UK. The UK and I live in Wales, is a proper shit hole by comparison. I wish I could move to the US too. Such an amazing country, lots to do, better weather, better lifestyle.
When I retire, I will buy a house there and spend 6 months of a year. And I’ll take vacations during the other months elsewhere, minimising time spent in the UK.

If I did ever get to move to the US full time, then nothing, including my mil, would ever get me to come back.

I’ve heard the Pizza Express in Woking is lovely …

Exactly! Mot a horrible place to be if you lake nature! Why are you sitting inside?!

Yes it sound pretty rubbish,however you’re stuck so got to make best of bad situation
Youre a uk national and have only been in US yr so,it’s not wholly unfamiliar. Next time assert more control and don’t depend on sil who is school run dependent
Going forward you set out with dh changes you’d initiate at next uk holiday

Get on a bus or a train?

There is a big difference between spending a day or so with family, vs staying with them for a week. In accommodation that isn’t really big enough. It’s not what I would call
a holiday. Now we’re back and I’m no-longer an expat, and guess what? I still don’t want to spend a week staying at my in-laws. Nothing to do with people skills.
Do you enjoy holidaying at your in-laws? If not, why not?

Say no. It’s liberating. Just say no,

Op you can get the train to Waterloo from where you are in 1 hour.
Why not take a day trip to London and go to an art gallery, museum, theatre, shopping, lunch, ballet, opera....?

Sorry. Self inflicted situation. Sister in law came from Canada to stay with us for six weeks last summer. Granted, we live in the North where there’s lots of stuff within an hours drive - York, The Lakes, Yorkshire dales, cutsie little villages, but it still involved getting on a train, hiring a car etc. we were working for a lot of it, so she sorted herself out and got out and about most days just with a bit of forward planning.

@Backwoods57 - if you pop along to Country Market car boot sale I'll buy you a cup of tea and a Burger! - Dan

OP wanted a rant. She doesn’t mention her own Uk family. They may be all dead and so she has no one to visit any more. She also has two under fives who seemingly will still be under five next year. .twins? Difficult to take 2-3 year olds to Westminster Abbey and the V&A. Especially if not inclined for that sort of thing personally. Her mil may not be fit to fly. You need really good insurance for the States. Mil may not qualify- I’m assuming she’s pushing 80 given op,s age.if she can get insurance a suggestion that she visits via a cruise liner relocating- a much cheaper option than a luxury cruise. My DD worked in the States and had the 3 weeks holidays which did not coincide with her husbands. Let the OPrant.

We stay with my in laws for 2 weeks in another country every year and yes, I do enjoy it! We hire a car and take ourselves off for day trips. We have a nice meal together every evening. They take us to places that they think we’d enjoy. We like their company.