I hate our holiday and want to go home

[Backwoods57]

I need to rant.

Day 10 of a 13 day visit to the UK. We moved to the USA in 2014 and have to come back every year because MIL can't afford to visit us, and is scared of flying. We are in Aldershot/Farnham area. There is nothing to do apart from walk up and down dead high streets. Traffic is terrible, I smell the pollution and cigarette smoke everywhere.

If we don't come we get a massive guilt trip about MIL not seeing grandkids etc.

This trip cost $4000, we have done very little apart from visit family and sit in my SiL's cramped dirty messy house.

2 weeks of my 3 week vacation allowance has been thrown away. I have start working remotely for A. Something to do, and B so I can claim some vacation days back.

I miss my home, our dogs, I miss countryside and wildlife, I want my space back.....and tap water that doesn't taste like bleach.

Just say no in future. Pay for MILs flight to the US and tell her she needs to go on a fear of flying course. They are brilliant. If she wants to see the children that badly she'll just have to get on with it.

Alternatively, agree to come every other year only and don't stay with family the entire time. See them for a few days at the beginning and then go off around other parts of the UK for a proper holiday or even jump on a short haul flight to somewhere in Europe for the rest of the time.

Just have your OH take the kids next time. At least you know there's no risk of them being shot at school for a few weeks.

You're transferring your hate and resentment of your MIL to an entire country.

You're responsible for your own happiness and your own planning ahead.

Yes but it doesn’t compare to USA scenery

if UK scenery is all you know then yes it’s lovely, but once you’ve seen USA scenery … UK seems a bit dull

Or an escape game.

Well, exactly.

The UK has so many beautiful places to visit but you do need to make an effort to get out and about and see it.

OP, you were never going to get much sympathy here.

I understand completely.

I have been in a similar situation. It is drudgery for the most part. Relatives don't care either. So their energy or lack of it never conspires to galvanise a great trip - plus it is the same old and bloody expensive.

You feel resentful, which is totally understandable. Until someone spends their holiday days and finances on a trip back to the place they left behind, they have little idea.

I have been there and still do it, albeit not as far away, but it still grates.

It is hard because there is an element of guilt, but seemingly all on us that do the travelling and give up the time.

It is grim. You have my sympathies.

@Eastre what with all the wildlife you have killed!

Why is paid holiday leave so miserly in the US? At least that's one thing we appear to do better here

I accidentally ran a rabbit over once (which I still feel guilty about, 15 years later) but I’m not aware of any other killing sprees I’ve been on?

Mute point.

It is.

Having lived there, it made me appreciate Europe so much.

@InfiniteGoodVibes if you make the choice to move 1000s of miles away do you expect your relatives to make all the effort to see you?

No, this isn’t on. She’s being quite selfish. It’s not reasonable of her to expect that only you have the expense of travel combined with the waste of weeks of your holiday allowance when all you are doing with it is pleasing other people. I wouldn’t pay all that money to travel just to sit in a boring house doing nothing or see in-law after in-law.

Her fear of flying needs to be dealt with. I’m not a fan of adults doing nothing about fear of flying / driving etc and making everyone else travel to them. Can she afford to fly to meet you in a place half way between you both? Or can you go to another place near her that’s actually worth visiting? Or…he goes by himself and takes the kids, if you’re happy with that. It’s his mother, after all.

Nobody is holding you captive. My ex lived near that area and we went all over on the train, lots of places aren't that far away. Get out and do something.

You’re visiting for too long. Time to compromise and throw some money at the problem. Perhaps only visit one year in two so that you have the money to enjoy the time and limit the visit to 1 week.

I’ve been part of the international couple with dh’s and my parents living in 2 different countries and us in a third. Dh isn’t from the uk, which is where we have lived for a number of years now. I got fed up of our holidays just consisting of visiting family and once back in the uk, visiting fil 2 or more times a year and we drove there so have a car.

I put my foot down when dd was little. Now when we visit we stay separately and have fil over for the day once or twice, see him for lunch / dinner a couple of times with other family members then perhaps take him to visit other family another day. Once we’ve seen him. 4/5 times, a week has gone by and we move on elsewhere.

You are not being selfish to not want to spend all but 1 week of your annual holiday with your in laws.

Go to Birdworld!

Just get a rental car and go out and do something. We are over for our holiday at the moment as well but I do prefer to take our car. Luckily, it's a possibility from where we live, although it takes several hours of driving.
We spent a few days in a cottage in Kent and then went off to see family. Later on, we'll stay somewhere else to meet up with old friends. We wouldn't stay with family for two weeks, though. Way too cramped, which is why we tend to book a cottage or hotel close by, depending on how long we are staying for.

It sounds like the main problem here is a tight budget. You could have had a much better trip with your own car and a few days in Air BnB's here and there, but can't afford that.

So basically, you are in the same position as your MIL. Just tell her you can't afford to keep doing it every year. I'd rather come once every three years and have enough money to enjoy it and go out and about independently of MIL and SIL, than have a rubbish time on a tight budget every year.

She can see the children on facetime every single day if she wants to. It's not like 15 years ago, where if your grandchildren lived overseas it was a long haul flight to visit them, or nothing.

It's obviously cheaper for her to fly to the US than for all four of you to come to the UK, so just tell her she has to start doing her fair share of the travelling in future, as you just can't keep doing it any more. Her fear of flying is not your problem.

Not at all.

On the contrary.

But the OP is saying her in laws are not travelling to them at all.

This is the issue.

Hopefully the OP is only dipping back with one line answers because she’s too busy turning the trip around, and actually engaging with all the things to do in this horrible disgusting country 🤷‍♀️

@TerrysNeapolitan is that still there, I went about 40-50 years ago. That brings back memories. Mind I would be worried OP might shoot the birds!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You have become well and truly an American citizen.

It's always difficult when you lives miles away from people. I lived in Oz for many years and spent all my work holiday allowance showing the same old sights to family and friends who had paid us the compliment of a visit. So much for exploring SE Asia!

As for trips back to the UK, I longed to visit Cornwall or other places I'd never explored, such as the Scottish Highlands, which held a special appeal from a country bleached by sunshine. But a month's visit to the UK every few years always meant an itinerary visiting everyone who mattered, and none of them lived near each other.

There isn't really an easy solution to this, I'm afraid. Practical solutions include people dying and/or you cutting them out of your life. As I said, not easy!

I don’t know what you were . You’ve been doing this for 10 years so you must know it’s crap. It’s shit weather this time of year. Your saving money on accommodation, spend that on doing something nice.

Have you been to the Highlands? It’s vast, expansive, Incredible scenery, great cross-country skiing, you can walk for 4 days without seeing another person, climbing, canoeing, not to mention the Whisky!

I’ve lived in the States and I like it, but to say we don’t have good scenery here is just not true.

You could rent out your log cabin and with the money, you’d be able to hire a car next time you come to the UK.