Kids in changing room at gym

[Snowypony]

Yesterday I was running late for my aqua gym class

i already had my swimming costume on under my clothes

i I ran in the changing rooms and there was a boy in there who was taller than me

i didn’t have time to question the Mum - he had clearly started puberty. He watched me get changed which left me very uncomfortable

i I got in the pool and my friend saw I was a bit upset and asked why. I explained and said the boy was about 12. There are no changing rooms at my gym - it’s just benches so you have to get naked when changing

my friend went over and spoke to the Mun who got really angry and said he’s entitled to be in there he’s only 11

when I got out they’re left but I still went and complained to the gym staff.

I don’t have a ds only dd so I’ve never had this issue. But is it reasonable to expect an 11 year old to use their own sex changing room?

It's already been said that the men & boys should be made aware a women needs to take her son to the bathroom so have the option to stay or leave.
Given the rate of sexual assult and voyeurism against women and girls in comparison to men and boys this is a compromise instead of the default position that women and girls will just have to cope.

As I said it’s the least bad option. Males are a lot less likely to feel concerned by one woman than woman will be by men.

Yes but what about a teenage boy who doesn’t want you in there and feels uncomfortable because you are a female? It might be the least bad option, but you’re still making him uncomfortable. Seems a little bit hypocritical to brush his feelings off. I don’t think my 13 year old son would like taking his clothes off nearby to you if I’m honest.

So if there are no disabled facilities, a disabled male and a female carer what is your solution?

like I said it’s not ideal but it is the least bad solution.

i have never been in the position with changing rooms but I have been with toilets when the disabled has been out of order. I am not taking a 15 year old male into the ladies so I will (with a quick shout in) take him into the gents. I don’t like it but it’s a case of needs must

Sirzy
“like I said it’s not ideal but it is the least bad solution”.

Why? My gentle, quiet, private 13 year old boy would have been very uncomfortable too. Would his feelings not have counted as much as a 13 year old girl’s?

There has been a thread last year about this subject and again it’s turned into a bun fight.

In our gym (national chain) a boy of 10 was sexually assaulted in the men’s changing rooms, and at the council gym a 12yo boy experienced the same. The perpetrators of the latter incident was identified on CCTV but never caught. The safety of young children is the collateral damage due to adults planning the changing room layouts to be as cheap as possible, and therefore omitting mixed sex family changing areas.

The answer is not as simple as to say just find a gym that offered mixed sex family changing rooms - there are about 5-6 gyms in our town and none do. Our gym only has 1 changing cubicle in both Women’s & Men’s.

And yes, my DS(9) goes into the men’s changing rooms and has done since he was 8. Three times now I’ve had to ask a male member of staff to check on him as he was taking too long to change, and on one of the occasions he was talking to a stranger while sitting there in his underpants. DS is easily lead and I feel so worried every time he goes to change. And no, DH is unable to attend his swimming lesson at the same time to accompany him.

Your solution is the probably the best one. But all I’m saying is that not everyone will be comfortable you are in there and I think that should be acknowledged and you should make yourself as hidden away as possible while you are in there because it’s not your space.

I have a disabled son too and I’m just really thankful that they have a unisex changing room for me to take him in to.

Exactly. My 13 year old is really private too and likes his space. He’s 6ft already and puberty has hit him like a ton of bricks. He really wouldn’t appreciate a woman invading his space while he gets changed.

Thinking about it. I suppose your solution would be to find a swimming pool with unisex/family changing facilities like I have done. If that involves travelling further and inconveniencing yourself then so be it. I don’t think making boys feel uncomfortable is the answer just because it’s “not as bad”. Just stinks of double standards if I’m honest.

Sorry I was meant to quote @Sirzy’s post.

I'm not sure if you read the thread, but we were talking about disabled women on this thread being told they have to go into the men's changing room or loo with their disabled children, rather than take them into the women's. I agree the latter isn't suitable either, but the double standards of telling a woman who might feel more vulnerable and is statistically more at risk that she should use the men's. Obviously, as most here agree, proper facilities with locking cubicles for parents of preteens and for people with disabilities are what's required.

Look the fact is if the single sex space doesn't meet your child's needs then you can't visit that venue.

Females should not have their space invaded by over age males and let's face it that's the normal solution and usually the go to answer but niether should male spaces be invaded by females.

It's shit I grant you but single sex does mean signal sex and we all should respect that regardless of our personal circumstances.

I'm not sure if you read the thread, but we were talking about disabled women on this thread being told they have to go into the men's changing room or loo with their disabled children

No we are not.
We were talking about a 11 yo boy in the female changing room because his mum decided he had a right to be there.

You and your to buddy's decided to change the thread that doesn't mean that's what it is about.

Trying to silence disabled women?
It's a conversation. It can be about a number of things. The common thread here is what to do if you're a female with a male child and need to use changing rooms or toilets.

It was totally derailed by posters talking about caring for severely disabled adult sons. Must be really tough but thread is about the widespread bringing of late primary early secondary NT lads into female changing areas. Quite different situations - now mashed together. End result basically being any woman voicing concern that female changing is the catch all for anyone not thrilled about going into the male changing room is painted as some sort evil abilist meanie.

I agree, if its not a suitable place you don't go, you find somewhere that is. I do this with my daughter, I just get on with it. I research, read websites ring up to ask what he facilities are like and then decide.
There are places we don't go as it's not right for her.

@Matronic6

No where in OP’s experience did she think to query whether disability was an issue. When it’s so obvious to consider it as an underlying factor.

Speaking from my own personal experience, the only time I have come across preteen boys in changing rooms has been when they’ve been autistic/adhd/learning disabilities or similar…

The way I’ve dealt with it is to wait to get changed once they’ve left, to move around the corner or into a cubicle for my own privacy… but I’ve always supported the mother where facilities haven’t been available.

I’ve never come across a NT able bodied male over the age of 8 in a female changing room.

So I felt it was an important aspect to consider, what underlies the decision to infringe upon rules, and to think about whether it would be classed as a reasonable accommodation until suitable facilities are provided.

Like I said it’s only an issue I have ever encountered with regards toilets because I do plan every second ahead (and my son can’t access public swimming pools) but when you get somewhere and the accessible is closed you do end up stuck between a rock and a hard place no matter how much you have planned ahead.

100%

This thread has been completed derailed.

Exactly, you are speaking from your own PERSONAL experience. It is not universal.

You have conveniently ignored the many comments from mums of boys on this thread who have said they are happy to do this and not mentioned any needs. So it does happen. By saying no one can complain or raise issue with this in case the boy has a need, you are undermining the rights women and girls have to female only space. You are saying women should be okay with a male in their space IN CASE he has needs.

But that isn't a conversation you are interested in because you think you're topic of space for disabled preteens is 'more productive.' Which is fine, but make your own thread about that issue because female only space is a valid topic.

By saying no one can complain or raise issue with this in case the boy has a need

No, I am saying you find out whether there is a need before raising it with management and complaining.

Because it can be classed as a reasonable accommodation and by complaining you could be seen as discriminating and then end up with a legal case.

Just as if you start complaining about a boy who identifies as being female being in a female only space.

You don’t just presume.

Not really. Why do you think that?

Trying to silence disabled women?

Stop it.

I have on several occasions said women's voices especially disabled need to be heard.
I don't agree with you using yours or your sons disability as a reason to dismiss the boundaries of women and girls as your view is males are king cannot be inconvenienced but women and girls can. It's not a view I share.

I would say secondary age (11) is the absolute limit for sharing the changing space with a parent of the opposite sex. Our local leisure centre says from the age of 8 children should be in the changing room for their sex or in dedicated family facilities.

If an organisation is offering activities for children including disabled children then there should be some provision for parents of the opposite sex to support their child without them being in a place where they are making others uncomfortable both for boys and girls. I am not sure I would be attending a place that did not have such provisions in place as a parent. I am not a fan of assuming that the men's space is fair game either, given that many male changing rooms will be full of male children during children's activities. My view is that both single sex changing spaces should be respected.

I think that OPs gym sounds like it does not have the correct changing facilities to be admitting children. To be honest cubicle-free changing is incredibly old-fashioned and not very inclusive.