I don’t want to do this any more :(

[Drowwning]

Up all night, on all day. I just can’t do it. There are lovely moments and I do love them but I had no idea the level of relentlessness coming for me.

You need a playpen! A travel cot works in a pinch too. Pop baby in with their toys, give toddler their toys and you should get a few minutes peace!

I'd also block off one day a week where Dad takes them alone.

I'm not OP but the playpen/travel cot workaround sounds more like a recipe for screaming and crying to get out rather than peace, for both baby and toddler. In my experience only. You must have had angelic children!

You're absolutely right, OP, that you don't want to start thinking about ending a marriage when you're just struggling to get through the day at the moment.

When does the oldest start school? That's when you can sort the house. Just try to live with it till then.

Any younger sibling tends to sleep when they can. Focus on food and sleep for the younger one and talking to and playing with the older one. Sounds like you're doing a great job with all the activities you go out to.

If the baby is too heavy, put them down behind you, sit between the two of them to protect the baby and focus all your attention on the older one.

My eldest was a nightmare for a while, but it helped if she got more attention from me.

Every day, just focus on getting through the day. Actually, most days, I focused on getting through the next five minutes!

Ignore well meaning advice that you can't process let alone act on. I never thought I'd get through those days, but I did and so will you.

I know people are meaning well but the 3 year old doesn’t ever do as he’s told at home, fine when out and about. Getting him to tidy is just an unnecessary pain. Swimming does not wear everyone out and I can’t take both myself anyway. It’s all just a bit shit at the moment.

I get the feeling that you don't trust your husband to look after the children. It doesn't matter if the way he looks after them is different from the way you look after them. Just let him get on with it. Bite your lip with any criticism and tell him he's a great Dad.

Lots of advice here OP just please be gentle with yourself you are doing your very best I really hope things improve you've reminded me how difficult that stage was for me take care I promise it does get better 💐

@Lovelyview it isn’t that but in a way it is.

And it does matter. So here’s an example, several months ago I went out with friends when the younger one was still a newborn he went to his friends house with the 3 yo didn’t offer him anything to eat ordrink stopped at a prtrol station and he was obviously hungry and got a box of blueberries. Ds are the lot then had dirrorea the next day and got sent home from nursery. That made no difference to dh by made a very very big difference to me. Everyone will hone in on that one example I’m not writing hundreds but every time dh has then I’m the one who ends up with more work.

So do I trust he’ll have them and he won’t hurt them no he won’t

But will he ensure they are clean, fed, have drinks, activities suited to them no.

lol! How rude!

Read my post again. I’ve mentioned that you need to ask for support before you become mentally unwell. And yes you sound a bit of a martyr. You’ve been offered practical support and provided with links where to get it.

if it’s just a bit of a moan you want, fine don’t take the advice

I don’t really care it was rude, it’s fucking rude to call someone a martyr.

Is 3 year old toilet trained and having poo accidents? And can you move up a nappy size for baby if you're having to change soiled clothes so many times.
About the mess, if it's toys bag some up and put them away for now, leave only a few pieces for each child. Just so you can reduce the mess a little.
Do you have carpets? If so take up the playmat for now otherwise replace it with a rug for little one to play on.
I know you said DH isn't much help but can you put him in charge of say laundry? So washing drying and putting away. That's one thing off your list.
If toddler doesn't enjoy TV maybe try and cosy up with some books, maybe around baby's naptimes.
It's a very challenging age for both DC's and I understand how completely overwhelming it can be.

I know I know … put him in pull ups (and then get hate when he starts school not toilet trained) no carpets hence the playmat but short of having no toys at all and it’s tempting I can’t see a way round the mess, have yet to find a nappy that’s dd proof for poos!

You need to direct the anger and frustration at your DH. He is part of the issue.

But if you were to split you'd have little choice. Is your 3yo eligible for Early Years funding?

We’re not splitting so not really relevant.

I hear you and I have similar situation myself, although only one 2 year old so obviously a lot easier.

all I can say is my DH is getting better with practice, so for eg now always feeds the toddler (albeit yes I would feed him healthier stuff, but fuck it, I need a break).
but I hear you, it is awful, it can feel never ending, and having conversations with your DH when you’re knackered and at the end of your rope feels pointless

You could try packing most of the toys away out of sight to help reduce the mess. My DS age 4 was really really horrible one day so as a punishment I took all his toys out of his room. (Not his teddies, just all the plastic crap.) After a few days we realised life was much better without them and most of them we never put back.

It will get better @Maria1982 . He isn’t a mean nasty horrible person. Just so so shit with little ones. And if I had others to step in and help it wouldn’t matter but I don’t do it does, they have been lovely this morning. Really I’m lucky

OP, you're not a martyr. No one here knows what your life is truly like.

Your other half sounds very similar to mine. I strongly suspect he is neurodivergent (in fact, I know he is, but he is undiagnosed and refuses to be evaluated) and that brings issues that have only become exacerbated since having children. He doesn't really know how to look after babies or toddlers, and needs lots of mental rest. Having a child has changed him fundamentally, not in a good way, but I still love and need him in many other ways. I would never leave him, even though I'm struggling too and long for a break myself. We also have no familial help, sadly. I am just trying to make it through the early years and hope we will still love each other at the end, but sometimes it feels impossible to see the woods for the trees.

It goes without saying that this isn't the case for all men, but a lot of men - in fact I'd venture to say most men that I know in relationships and with children are just like this. Men don't think the same way as women do. Our children are the centre of our world. 98% of my daily thoughts are about them and my priorities for them, I just don't think it is the same for men. It's part of maternal instinct, in my opinion. I can cope with so much more than he can before burnout sets in. Doesn't make him a shit person, it's just who he is, as you said upthread about your partner.

Would it be great if you could change him to be exactly as you need him to be, of course, but you can't, so why bother even trying. It's just wasted energy on an argument that goes nowhere.

Sometimes you just need to vent. Being a mother is the most difficult thing in the world. I'm so sorry you're feeling shit about this. I hope things improve for you soon. You didn't ask for suggestions so I won't offer any, but I hope you make it through too and if it helps, know my house is messy too, borderline dirty tbh around skirting boards and under sofas, but I just tell myself it won't be like this forever and try to carry on.

I'm glad they've been lovely this morning. Perhaps the 3 yo is starting to feel better.

Look after yourself, as far as that's possible

This is the hard part OP. It will get better I'm not saying all 7+ are easy, but they are easier than that same child at 3yo.

I feel your pain. I've got a 7yo, twin 3yo and a 4 month old. DH is away on a school trip for a few days. Do WHATEVER you need to do to survive. 3yo can be tough - mine drive me potty some days. Like yours, mine still have the odd poo accident and ignore instructions. They got in a right mess painting this morning and then we're fighting in the bath while I was cleaning sick off the baby.... nightmare!

If a routine doesn't make things easier for you, don't have one! Lots of parents prefer not to have one, or Ditch it when it's the holidays.

Mine are easiest in the garden. What is easiest for you? Never feel guilty for doing what helps you cope.

Also, prioritise support. Like your DH, mine might get up early with the older 3 and leave me to sleep in if the baby is still snoozing on a weekend morning, but I'd come down to find nobody fed and the boys still in nappies/PJs. What works better for me is to get up as I'm awake anyway, let DH sleep while I get everyone up and ready. Then he takes the big ones outfor a long walk to theplayground and I have a snooze with the baby. If I'm lucky I can do a late morning nap and an evening nap.

Oh and nappy wise.... My boys used to leak when they were that age as they W riggled in it. I used to double up nappies - they had on a 4 with a 5 over it. The 5 could be reused all day until poonami, so it wasn't costing much extra and reduced the laundry....

Oh gosh OP, you are in such a hard stage. I have a 3 year old, but my other DD will be six in the summer. They play together (they do bicker sometimes, but overall they love each other's company), when we go to softplay they go off together and I can drink a coffee, and they'll sit and watch TV together while I have some time to myself. They can both go in the ikea crèche for 45 mins. Don't get me wrong, it's still tough, and they need me and DH a lot, but it's WAY easier than the toddler and baby days. 3 year olds are obnoxious. Mine shouts at me regularly, but I know from having her older sister, it's a really annoying phase.
Your DH needs to step up. He needs to get up with them both one day at the weekend (DH and I take turns, and always have done) so you can sleep. Get him to take them out somewhere. Do you have a softplay nearby? That's always a hit, and most have baby areas for the little one. Can he take them to a park to feed the ducks? Honestly some time to yourself will do your mental health the world of good.
I would also recommend a chat with a GP if you can. I went on anti anxiety medication when mine were the age you are, and it has really helped. I still take it now, but at a lower dose, and am not ashamed about it at all!

Also, do ANYTHING you can to make life easier. Put the baby in the jumperoo (if you have one) with the TV on. Don't feel guilty if they have too much screen time sometimes. I've never limited screen time here, and actually both DDs have become good at self regulating as they've got older, as they don't see it as something desirable or special. Do what you have to do. X

Like, why do we do it?
I love mine to bits too, but I'm glad that young women these days don't see it as the be all and end all.

Oh and @Drowwning my 3 year old (3 yrs 2 months) isn't potty trained either! Quite honestly it wouldn't be good for either of us the moment. Do I care what other people think? Absolutely not. It's hard, but ignore other people's comments. My older DD trained in days at 2.5, so it's not parenting! Younger DD just isn't interested.