I don’t want to do this any more :(

[Drowwning]

Up all night, on all day. I just can’t do it. There are lovely moments and I do love them but I had no idea the level of relentlessness coming for me.

You took the words right out of my mouth.
Up all night, no rest during the day, constantly (literally, I've been poorly back to back with no break at all, even a few days, since November) ill with viruses and bugs, and never able to recover because of the sleep deprivation and total lack of time and energy to care for myself properly. It's so fucking hard, I can't even verbalise how much I didn't realise how tough this is. You have my utmost sympathy.

I only have one friend in a similar position and while I know she finds it hard she does have a lot of help from her mum. So there is someone else around at least.

I don’t think we’re needing home start or anything, I just wish I could sort the fucking house 😂.

Do you maybe need DH to "shadow" you? As if you did everything for the first baby for 2.5 years how much does he actually know about things like your routines and preferences and activity scheduling and stuff like that?

If he really is shit and can't learn then he needs to take over all the house chores himself, plus any/all other practical things.

Also, buy another play mat, that's an easier one to solve. I know it's not the point but sometimes the little things really make a big difference.

This - there’s no need to be up with a 7 year old at a stupid time in the morning unless additional needs are at play.

Try not to worry about the house being a mess, or if the kids are naked and haven’t been fed. I know it’s annoying, and you have high standards but try not to sweat the small stuff.

It really doesn’t matter if the house is a mess/untidy, it’s a family home you have small children. As long as it’s not dirty a bit of mess can be dealt with later perhaps when the kids have a nap or have gone to bed. Or you could get the kids involved and make a game out of cleaning up.

The kids will be ok for a couple hours in a morning whilst your DH has them, you need a break/sleep to recharge. Also if they are naked just remember its less washing you need to do lol! 😂

But seriously, have you asked your DH if he can give the kids their breakfast whilst you tidy up and get showered? If he’s really useless and can’t even do that it’s time to get your big girl pants on and ask him to step up, or start the process of leaving.

re the toddler does he have consequences for breaking things and trying to hurt the baby? I know he is still little but he needs to know he can’t do that as he could hurt the baby, have you tried reward charts, rewarding him for good behaviour and trying to ignore the naughty behaviour? Have you spoken to his pre school teachers? How is he doing at school? Have the teachers picked up on anything? If he is breaking things and being naughty at pre school what happens there, could you try the same techniques they use at preschool so things are consistent?

and home start can help with the practical stuff so you can clean up etc

I know talking can help, but you’ve asked for practical support please reach out to your local sure start centre or home start you need some practical support before you become mentally unwell

I sympathise with you. I have an almost 4 year old and 4 month old. DH is helpful and DD1 does love her sister but she's very emotional and really doesn't listen much at the moment. Struggling through the Easter hols.

I spend a lot of time with her and I don't think it makes much difference. Even my mother has said how her listening has changed.

Regarding sorting the house watch the Stacey Solomon programme on BBC it's helped us a lot. Our children get up different times every day but we still have a routine and plan for every day I couldn't cope otherwise x

The only thing that helped mine sleep was a baby hammock with a big spring. The second the baby stirred they sort of self bounced themself back to sleep. Worked so well.

Thanks. It is really hard, it’s been harder at the moment wrh Easter hole and ds isn’t actually 100% at the moment, so I’ve had bad behaviour which I’d probably more grumpiness caused by illness but 3 is so challenging. There is no way I would accept help from a worthy organisation like home start who help women in really difficult circumstances, mental health and disability and so on. Dh is just who he is. I won’t get anywhere if I try to speak to him.

And we do have routines in the sense that we have things we do. Lots of groups, organised activities, park visits swimming etc. the problem is the baby just had to nap when she can because I have the other one do this morning she fell asleep on the way to an activity and I couldn’t leave her in the car obviously so had to disturb her.

The maximum time a day in a jumperoo recommended by paediatricians is 25mins

lol we’re lucky to manage 10.

God what an awful man. In the usual MN spirit - is there anything positive he brings into your life?

if not, then it’s just added work for you to have this man around.

So why can’t your DH sit in the car whilst she naps, or why can’t he take the toddler in to the activity and you sit in the car? What is your DH actually doing to help??

Because he’s not here.

What do you want me to say? Yeah I’ll LTB, now, Easter weekend, great idea.

This isn't true for everyone OP. My DS has just gotten easier and easier. Many, though not all, of my friends say the same about theirs.

Where is he then? Did you ask him to help and go with you? Stop being a martyr and ask him to step up before you become mentally unwell.

Please reach out to a support group and get some practical help

Some structure to the day may actually help. It may seem easier to be relaxed but it is no longer working for you. Even just get up, play, mealtimes, story, bedtime routine may help your preschooler feel more reassured and less reactive. Would your baby go in a playpen to keep them out of 3 yo way while you tidy or do something together. Do they go to nursery?

Anywhere a toddler goes looks like it’s being lived in by a gang of tramps, plus the baby and that phase of weaning at 9 months is so messy.
honestly, let the place get messy/not the cleanest in the world.it will actually be good for their health. I had terrible anxiety that I needed the place to be decent for my child but I realised that I just followed them around with a dust pan and brush sweeping bits of breadstick. Have stopped that now.

Your DH, on other hand - he needs to grow up. Parenting isn’t just being in the same room as your children.

Book a babysitter or childminder?

Knew someone would say I’m a martyr. Fuck off. Don’t care if it’s deleted.

I have no money for babysitters or childminders

Thanks for kind comments

I also could have written this. 2 year old and 7 month old who just doesn't sleep. Feel on the verge of a breakdown, someone mentioned they dreamt of just leaving. I had those thoughts a couple of days ago when I was at my lowest, I won't but I can sort of understand why some people would. We need to sort out our baby's sleep as just can't go on like this.
Sending hugs and solidarity ❤️

Yep I hate this martyr stuff too

This sounds really really crap. It’s hard and really boring, I’m an infant school teacher but the relentlessness is insane with little ones. I have some advice, take what you can/want and ignore the rest.

Give either the baby or the toddler to DH, so you can have a bit of time with just one of them.
Or give him both and just go out somewhere, on your own.
Have something, at least once a week, which is just for you. Make it something you can’t miss, like a gym class or a stamp collecting group or salsa or anything. He will have to have them and you have something to look forward to.

I am not going to pretend to know anything about your relationship but my DH and I nearly broke up at this point. I realised he didn’t feel confident with the kids and I wasn’t confident leaving him. He buried himself away and couldn’t see I was struggling. I had to talk to him all the time and we fell out a lot. We had a code word which meant “you are pissing me off, I don’t want to talk in front of the kids, we can talk about this later.” It worked sometimes.

If you have a garden put one or two of them in it. I have found many times that babies sleep better, in buggies, outside. My DS’s spent hours in mud. Hose them off before they come in or go to LIDL and get one of their amazing puddle suits.

Train your toddler with bribes, or whatever you need, to put things away. He has to do it at nursery. I didn’t do it. My sister has, it’s amazing.

Social media is the work of the devil. Most people are winging it and most people get really annoyed with their kids at some point.

Swimming tires everyone out. Send the toddler with DH every Saturday or Sunday. Make it a routine and it gives them a focus. Or give him both to him…or maybe not.

One weekend morning is yours, one is his, for a lie in.

I HATED it when people said it will pass, but it will. Ignore that if you like. You will realise at some point that it’s got easier. I think you’re actually at one of the hardest parts. I found 3 years way harder than 2 years and when 4 years rolled round I felt way better.

You’re doing an amazing job. You really are. You are a hero to them both and just being there is incredible.

Like I said, I have no idea what I’m talking about, just take what advice suits you and ignore the rest. Good luck xxx

Making sure everyone and everything doesn’t descend into chaos is being a martyr on here.