I don’t want to do this any more :(

[Drowwning]

Up all night, on all day. I just can’t do it. There are lovely moments and I do love them but I had no idea the level of relentlessness coming for me.

I think that's a key part of why it's so difficult @Drowwning ...because they're both at such different life stages the problems are totally different for each.

This changes so quickly from now though. The difference between a nearly 1 and 3 year old is massive. 2 and 4 year old far less. 4 and 6 year old almost negligible.

Parenting a 3 and 5 year old felt like a tiny percentage of the work compared to baby and toddler.

Yes there are still hard days. Your 3 and 5 year olds will still tantrum or make a mess sometimes. But even with two of them, that is 1000% easier to deal with after a night of sleep and without a baby under your arm with a full nappy!

Stick cbeebies on and try to ignore/ accept the mess. And if your 3 year old won't brush their teeth everyday then fuck it, they'll have another set through soon enough anyway.

This is bang on OP, it 100% will get easier and what your dealing with is not forever xx

Oh and ds isn’t interested in tv. He does through stages. Sometimes he loves it other times he just is not bothered and now we’re going through a stage where he isn’t interested in tv so that’s out.

When that happens - house trashed, naked DC etc - do you say ‘DH, can you clear up while I get DS dressed’ (or whatever)? I mean - do you feel you can communicate as a team? It’s so hard feeling lonely and resentful, it makes it all worse.

I’m not even bothered I don’t care any more what’s the point. Just let me move my self pity thread without the dh shit

Oh, sorry!

You are absolutely in the trenches right now. Hang on in there as it will get easier, and then so much easier.

I don’t think I ever managed to establish a routine before mine were about 6-9 months, so that will come soon.

school aged children are so much easier physically than the toddler/ pre school age. Mine consistently slept til 7/ 7.30 by about 4. They also become much more able to do things for themselves. Yes there are the school challenges and friendship dramas, but you absolutely get a lot more of ‘you’ back.

By about 7, mine were leaving me to sleep on weekend mornings, heading downstairs and watching tv, getting dry cereal

massive hugs, this will pass xxx

I'm really sorry, OP, but it's relevant. It makes a huge difference when your partner is parenting properly and equally (while they are home). If nothing else, it makes you feel less alone.

Do you think you could talk to him about it? It's ridiculous you have to tell him what to do, especially when it's not your first child, but if it would help things... Are you able to have a frank discussion with him?

I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to have a good chat with your husband. He should be doing some night wakings, and doing a lot more than he is during the day (obviously he can’t while he is out at work).

It isn’t I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I know, but it makes no difference. Our marriage is on the rocks as it is, talking to DH makes no difference and while in many ways I’d be happier alone the kids would not be. I know I’ll get accused of being a martyr and all that but I don’t care. I’m doing what’s right for us at this moment.

It’s far better for the kids if you split now rather than when they are older. Also then you’d get some breaks when they are with him.

It absolutely does get easier though, mine argue and fall out but they can use toilets and they sleep through - this on it’s own makes a huge difference. They are funny and good company (apart from when they are arguing with each other). It doesn’t help right now, but it does get easier.

You say talking to him doesn't make a difference. What happens when you talk to him? How does he react?

I’m sorry it all feels horrible, Drowwning. Honestly, when my kids were that age (had 2 under 2, it was tough going) my marriage was on the rocks too - it’s an extremely common experience, you’re not alone. The difference I guess is that I always knew my DH did care, but he was clinically depressed when the kids were young. And we’ve always had pretty good communication, even if everything was shit. It got better with keeping talking, counselling, antidepressants and most of all time. I found the resentment was hard to let go of, though. So if you really think it’s best to be not divorced you need to figure out how you’ll communicate between you as you can’t live long term feeling hopeless. Wishing you the best.

Thank you. I’m sorry if I sound grumpy it’s just I know talking makes no difference. I think DH does cate in fact I know he does but he just is shit at a lot of stuff. He doesn’t get that eg something like the Easter weekend needs organisation. So I’ve got them at an outdoor playgroup this morning , it gets them out in the fresh air engaging with toys and other kids. But it has to be prebooked. Probably not making much sense.

Unfortunately I ruined it for myself and also have 2 and 11 month old 😂

I hope things get easier for you and good luck with the assessment! Who knows, 8 might be the year you get a decent nights sleep 🤞🏻

Does your 3-year-old have a tablet/iPad to play some games on? Get some educational ones if you feel bad. It is completely ok to give a child a screen for a couple of hours to give yourself a break. Put the mat away for now. Sounds like your son needs tiring out so play grounds, indoor play areas, play dates. Try to praise him when he does things that he's proud of (climbing something in a playground, etc.) and when he does what you ask him to. Can your DH take him to a play area to give you a break? Grandparents? Does your DH know you're struggling but not do anything to help?

Listen, if he cares then he can get less shit at things. If you keep talking.

I know it sounds simplistic. I know it sounds like another burden on you - to be the one to endlessly open the conversation about how you feel/how this is shit/how things can and need to be better.

I promise you I get that. And certainly don’t expect you to do it right now off the back of this thread.

But bear it in mind. If you can’t keep talking, and if he can’t or won’t up his game and be less shit, then sooner or later the resentment eats you up. And that’s no life for you, or your children.

I get it.

It's the mental load.

Sounds like you really need a break.

Or some paid help if DH won't step up.

Your 3 yo is struggling with sharing you with baby still, by the sounds of it. He needs one on one time and lots of silliness / laughing with you and also a place / person he can let his "negative" feelings out safely. Can DH take baby out while you have this time with your eldest?

My no1 tip aside from that is to lower your standards and cut corners. Ready meals and pouches, essential housework only, wear clothes a second or third time even if they're not perfect, don't do bath time every day, use paper plates if you need to to save on washing up. It's not forever. Just while you get through this tricky time.

Also put most toys away in loft or something so you just have a small amount out available. Means less mess and less overwhelm for your 3yo.

For what is worth, when my DC 2 was that age it was one of the toughest periods. By the time they were 13/14 months it was a bit easier.

We really messed up.

I did everything for ds for the first two and a half years, baby comes along ofc everyone then decides to have ds and leaves me with the baby. Don’t think our relationship will ever fully recover. It’s easy to say he needs one to one time with me and I do try but it isn’t very practical most of the time. It’s easier without dh. Ds gets out loads, does loads. We have to as he’s not fussed about tv etc.

This is all great advice. Sending a huge hug OP. It sounds so so tough just be kind to yourself, what you are doing is really really hard and actually so not natural to have to care for two tiny ones on your own. Is there anyone around who could help you or give you a proper break? Sounds like you need a reset.

There’s absolutely no one. I need someone to just take them so I can sort the house but there is no one.

Contact home start to see if they have a support service in your area, also speak to your GP or health visitor as you can get support through your local sure start centre until the kids turn 5

home start

Sure start

Here’s some other online support and links to where you can get support in your local area

https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/

https://www.familylives.org.uk/

https://www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/children-families/familyline/

There's your husband!

Surely he can take them out somewhere for a morning? Why exactly won't he?

You are in the eye of storm and it will definitely get better from here.

Do you have any friends at the same stage?

Hugs. You need to just take baby steps towards making things better and easier right now. I know it probably feels hopeless and overwhelming by now, but a few, doable little steps could add up to make a big difference.

Could you say to your H, "I need you to take baby out the house in to pushchair (or to baby group for dads?) for two hours every weekend (or his non working day)".

At that stage I paid a cheap babysitter to have DC2 twice a week, just for 4 hours total, so I could have time with DC1. Only for a few weeks, but it helped get me through.

If that's not an option can you speak to your health visitor and get a referral to home-start?