AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

I agree with this. It doesn't sound like she is bothered about seeing the grandkids again. It sounds like he feels guilty for not having made enough effort with his mum.

Does his mum want all this? Has she requested the whole family visit

Ah, so you might have been up for visiting if she was wealthy ;-)

@Aisleseat
I don’t know why you are getting so much stick. YANBU 100%. I hope your dad is ok, and I notice that your dh isn’t visiting him.
Wishing you all the best

Agree. Children don’t benefit from seeing a dying person.

Shouldn’t he equally be expected to suck things up and support her?

Instead, he seems to have a free pass to disappear for days on end while OP holds down the fort at home and deals with her own dying parent.

And yet everyone is slamming the OP for being unsupportive. Fuck me - a woman’s place really is in the wrong.

I don't have any expectations of the op, imo his dm lives miles away, regardless of the work situation he does need to go to see his mum and asking for the dc to visit is not out of the ordinary here, in these cases the spouse should support. Yes the ops df is also dying, she and he have the benefit of living locally which means she can work and visit her dad in hospital regularly with the dc. As a couple they need to support each other through these horrible life events, one which is complicated through physical distance.

Tbh I’d feel the same way as you @Aisleseat but for the sake of harmony I’d suck it up knowing she’ll be gone soon and my DH wouldn’t have cause to resent me. I’d have to play the long game so to speak.
i have unbearable in laws and I know that it will be exactly like this. I have already told my husband that he should move in with them at such a point (I full support him) I’m just praying that he doesn’t need me there too.
Someone dying doesn’t take away that they are an arsehole, but we need to somehow deal with it equitably for those we love.
In terms of the kids I think they shouldn’t have to though, it seems absurd when she doesn’t even acknowledge them.

But the dh isn’t supporting @Aisleseat is he?

The children are old enough to choose and they have seen her.

You’re being massively unreasonable and if I was your DH I’d be questioning if I really wanted to be in a relationship with someone like that. I went to see my ex FIL when he was dying, because that’s what you do, and we weren’t even together anymore. Honestly, this place gets worse by the day.

Your poor DH. It’s his Mum and she’s dying. It will end soon, but meanwhile, I’d be there to support him.

Surely you can give this time and just be there?

My ILs had a similar situation when PILs mother died many years ago and my MIL felt like you. The way she behaved has sowed a seed of resentment in their marriage that I think fundamentally broke it. If I were you I would consider it more about how you are supporting your husband in his grief. If you are not there for him he may find it very hard to ever forgive you.

But she’s not asking him to.
If She does in the same way re her father than of course he should. My problem would be that he will resent her permanently and it’ll affect their marriage. It’s not a risk worth taking for some toxic old woman who will be gone within the next few weeks probably.

They don’t want to go. He mentioned it to my eldest already and she’s said she’s not comfortable. I know that death is something that everyone has to face in their life but they have no attachment whatsoever to this woman.

But she’s ‘this woman’ to them because neither you nor your dh visited her. It’s fair enough your dh is panicking, he’s beginning to remember her as his mother as opposed to the older lady for whatever reason (you seem to find her selfish although if she can’t afford the things you say she was looking for you might rethink this in the future when you’re trying to live on a pension- I don’t know how my mil keeps going on hers!) who the two of you didn’t want to see.

If they’ve visited her already and neither she nor them are getting anything out of the visit I’d just say to dh he should get to spend quality time with her himself but do remember she’s dying, and probably enjoying her son’s time, she’s not going to be the most fun granny of all time, it’s not something to blame her for. Hope this all ends with you all being at peace

Bravo @SilverBranchGoldenPears
Exactly that, she’s not putting the pressure on him.

I think just a short visit 10 to15 minutes for the dc is fine but dont let them sit there gaming as a pp suggested! You need to model to them duty,respect and how family support one another.

Even though you don't have a good relationship with her, I feel you should support your husband, when a family member is dying you go through so many different emotions from guilt about not always being there to support them to relief that its over. Yes it is difficult to talk about death with children and they will feel uncomfortable but this is about making her death comfortable for her, she might have regrets about not being close to grandchildren but doesn't know how to rectify it either.
Just think of all the emotions and regrets going through her head!

Death is final, make sure that no one has any regrets, and even though you might think now they you won't have regrets believe me it will niggle at you at a later date

YANBU.
The way you feel is the way you feel.
Full stop.

And what exactly is he doing to support her?

OP also has a dying parent. Everyone conveniently seems to be glossing over that.

Wow.

When my Mum was dying, I had to visit regularly and she lived 6 hours away. My DH came with me as much as possible, but I was there one time alone, as he had been working, and I couldn't get home (long story). My lovely DH drove 6 hours to collect me, and then 6 hours back home - so 12 hours straight driving. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, and I still think of how selfless he was that day.

Honestly, suck it up, because at times like this, how you behave will never be forgotten, and could even contribute to the demise of your marriage. This isn't about you, it's about him needing you when the chips are down. It's at times like this that we find out who really has our back.

Incidentally, I always went with DH to visit MIL when she was dying, and she could be a difficult woman. But it wasn't about me, it was about being there for DH.

He hasn’t been to visit her father who is also dying.

Again, her DF is also dying and he’s not doing anything to support her.

I think this thread is either full of people who haven’t read things properly or who are wilfully ignoring the OP’s update just so they can stick the boot in.

Do it for your husband. Not for your mother in law.

Dont take your kids, but I think you should be there for your husband.

You don’t mention children in your scenario.

OP’s kids don’t really have a relationship with MIL and MIL didn’t talk to them when they went to visit. I think it’s really weird and not the right thing to do to force the kids into this situation.

People do weird things when they grieve, (i’ve been on the receiving end of it), it doesn’t make it right.