AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

@Pottedpalm why should OP be the one to make the effort with her MIL when her husband didn't bother?

Agree with all of this. OP is getting a really hard time here, quite unfairly. Particularly when she is dealing with her own sick parent too. I don't think a man would get the same responses if he posted similar about his dying MIL.

People are also ignoring the fact that OP's father is currently dying in hospital - she visits him most days and he speaks to his grandchildren regularly, but she doesn't expect her husband to come along to support her.

There's a lot of nasty OP bashing from people are who choosing not to see the full picture and just want to jump on and give OP a good kicking.

It's a pity for both of them that he was a shit son all these years, I would support him trying to make some of it right during her terminal illness, both out of love for him and empathy for her.

My dh has just lost his father from cancer. Before his diagnosis we saw them circa 4/5 times a year for the past 20 years but never for main events (Christmas / Birthdays etc) as they never showed any interest in spending it with us or there gk. I wouldn’t say we were close at all. However on being diagnosed 3 years ago we all as a family have spent a lot more time together. My DH used to go weekly, especially since the diagnosis became terminal. We as a whole family would go every few weeks/month and tbh my kids didn’t massively interact with them because they are teenagers and they are currently at the age where they don’t massively interact with anyone but they still made the effort to come more often. It wasn’t awkward though.. I know for my Dh the extra time he spent with his dad has meant a great deal to him. He is devastated at loosing his Dad despite not being what others may class as close. He was his Dad and they both loved each other very much. That was definitely apparent towards the end.
I haven’t lost a parent so I can’t comprehend how it feels for my DH but I have seen many friends over the last few years loose parents and it has changed every single one of them. I made sure I supported my dh in anything he wanted to try and make this situation as easy or as best as possible for him and followed his wishes regardless of what I felt because I don’t know how he is feeling .

MIL lives far away from what I gather and it seems op lives close to her parents (if she’s able to visit her dad daily) so probably her dh moved from where he grew up to where she is so I wouldn’t necessarily blame mil for not having a relationship with the grandchildren because op and her dh were the ones who should have facilitated this all these years.

It really sounds mean and callous that she’s dying now and all you can talk about is you, your feelings, etc. I mean I have an 11 yr old and they will react how you want them to so their reluctance to visit would have been fed by you because I’m sure if you tell them that it’s good to be there for their dad at this time and that this may be the last time, they’ll also see it that way.
Your children are still learning about life, having empathy and the likes and you can teach them this and to be there for their dad but since you have none and your dh has not been the model child either, I can see why they’re not learning this. It’s just a visit, you can tell your dh that you’ll only spend a day or a weekend or something but not going at all just sound mean.

So the op has had their life set up near her family and hundreds of miles away from the husband's family, which has facilitated a closer relationship with her df at the expense of his mother's relationship- now she is alone and dying.

Of course the op needs support in her situation but it shouldn't be an either/or, they both need to support each other.

That’s a lot of assumptions.

Maybe they met where they live currently?
Maybe the MIL moved away?
Maybe they couldn’t afford to live in his hometown?

But even if the DH did choose to move, there was nothing stopping him from making an effort for the last 16 years. A few hours drive is nothing and shouldn’t stop anyone from having a relationship, especially now we have video chat and mobile phones.

In my prev post to this one I did say he had been a shit son.

He has been - and yet for some reason, everyone is keen to pile on to the OP and find some way to blame her for everything just because his mum is unwell. It’s actually really unpleasant to read.

I don't see people blaming the op for everything, I see people saying that the op's attitude to he dh and his dying mother is quite unpleasant based on the ops posts.

"I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here"

You're not trying hard enough.

sounds like there is more to this… you obviously don’t like her and resent your husband’s involvement. Neither of you have tried to cultivate a relationship between your children and their Grandma.

Never mind your MIL, you all need to be there for your DH to support him in what he needs.

You don’t need him at the hospital with your father, you have your sister… but he feels he does need you and kids there and it’s what he wants to help him come to terms. Have some compassion for your husband.

There is a lot of stress all round with his mother and your father dying. Perhaps too much for you to feel you have the reserve to give your husband the support he is requesting. Give what you can.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

Yes, YABU. It’s not about you. This is a small thing you can do for a dying woman - and for your DH. Maybe she asked for the children to visit, in which case it’s cruel to refuse, or maybe your DH wants them to for his own mental peace. When people close to us are dying, many people feel a need for some kind of ‘right’ closure. Perhaps your proposed visit is part of that for your DH.

Your DC are picking up on your attitude. You need to guide them in showing compassion. Even if you and the DC spend a shorter time with your MIL on Sunday than your DH does, that would be ok. It’s not exactly a big ask and your attitude is very cold and selfish IMO. I know you have your own loss approaching too, but maybe that should help you think about what would be right in this situation.

I've lost too many people to cancer.

The person with stage 4 cancer gets whatever they want. Everyone else has to suck it up. End of story.

Get over yourself.

@maddening I don't know what attitude people expect her to have.

She's been left at home for days on end to run their joint business single handedly, care for their joint children and to support her own dying parent, yet everyone on here expects her to just drop everything and drive several hours to support her husband who appears to be doing fuck all to support her and their joint family

He's not the only one grieving here yet he appears to be the only one who has a free pass to abandon their business and dictate what everyone else does to provide him with unlimited support.

how old are your children??

OP's father is dying too. She also has two children and a business.

Do none of them matter?

How callous OP. This isn't about how your kids or you feel. Support your DH ffs!

I don't think the children should be made to go if they have no relationship and MIL doesn't seem to particularly want them there. Not least because children will find it hard to act appropriately and death is a particularly awkward one for children unsure of themselves.

But I would go with your DH when he asks because you are an adult and can suck it up for the sake of supporting your DH. And you should.

I'm sorry about your father too. It must be a very stressful time. But I do think you need to pull your socks up, dig deep and pull together or this period of time will break your marriage.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest and I wouldn’t go. It’s ridiculous how everyone puts aside bad behaviour & relationships when death is near. It would be hypocritical to go & is all about your husband.

I’ve thought for a long time that some people on Mumsnet need to bear in mind that one day they will be the mother in law and think about how they would like to be treated. We all went to see MiL as much as we could when she was dying and I was the one who sat on her bed and held her hand and suggested to a nephew that he put his new born son on the bed with her. DH sat quietly in the corner. For heaven’s sake, the man’s mother is dying.

Wow, YABVU, regardless of your feelings towards the woman, it's is your duty to support your husband during this difficult period. He is asking for you to visit with him, so just do it. Who cares if you feel a bit uncomfortable, that is nothing in comparison to losing a parent. Do this for him, not your MIL. Short of some drip feed about how she has been horribly abusive to you in the past, there is no good reason not to visit. Other than, you don't give a shit about her and don't want to go.

OP's father is also dying in hospital. Where's his support for her and their joint children and business that she's been left to handle alone?

you do it for your husband not his mother and the kids should go too. otherwise he will resent you for keeping them from seeing their grandmother. just grin and bare it. This is not a hill to die on