AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

Again, her DF is also dying and he’s not doing anything to support her.

I think this thread is either full of people who haven’t read things properly or who are wilfully ignoring the OP’s update just so they can stick the boot in.
I actually missed this even though I rtft. Op needs to talk to her dh about it then, they should both be getting the closure that makes life ok after all of this

If you would like your children to visit you (and other family members) when you are old and ill, they need to see you making the effort for MiL. That's how you teach that it's an important part of your family culture. It's probably just going to be a few weeks/ months - suck it up and go.

My mum was really hard work and my husband really did not like her but he still came to see her with me, including on the day she died. Talk to your kids. Agree with them that your MIL is not much fun to be around and it's because she's so ill. Tell them you're going for their dad, not her.

She's also been left at home to run their joint business single handedly and to support their children, one of whom is 16 and possibly doing GCSE's this summer.

Everyone seems very keen to tell her how awful and callous she is, even though she has her own dying parent to handle on top of it all, whereas for some reason, her husband gets to drop half of his responsibilities and guilt everyone into being there for him

Don’t agree with this. I think if you have a close relationship with someone who is dying, you go and visit them because it’s intuition and you care. Not something that needs to be taught. They don’t need to see op doing it.

Why should she go and visit his dying parent when he hasn't come to visit hers?

Then they both should support each other, death is a really difficult thing to talk about, and can cause a lot of regrets and by helping each other hopefully they won't have too many but thank you for pointing out a part I had missed

Then the same should apply to her husband who isn't visiting her dying parent, nor is he doing anything to provide her with any support.

Why is OP getting it in the neck when her husband is doing absolutely nothing to provide her with any support either?

He's not the only one grieving here

I think you’ll find he is. Nobody else gives a toss about “that woman”.

I would come to resent DH if he acted the way you're acting, if my mum was dying.

You should go and teach your kids some kindness by taking them along.

OP’s father is also dying - or are you conveniently ignoring that so you can stick the boot in further? 🙄

Your dad sounds lovely, i hope he is as well as he can be and not in any pain OP 💐 I hope posters haven't skipped past this post in their desperation to tell you how evil you are.
However, I would go see MIL and take the kids and make it the last time. You don't want him taking anything out on you or the kids and given his extreme behaviour (monitor) he most definitely will. I would prep the kids for the visit, let them take electronics or something to occupy themselves when she ignores them and stay for a couple of hours. Then it's done. If he asks again the answer is no, it's too upsetting for them and remind him how your dad keeps his relationship with his grandchildren going and suggest his mum does the same.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this when you have your own dad to support. Good luck.

What kindness is he showing for the OP who is also struggling with a dying parent in the hospital?

Ah I see some posters have ignored the fact that you are going through the same thing. Shit, women really are expected to put their own grief aside aren't they?

OP’s dad is also dying.

Why is everyone ignoring that?

Because it doesn't matter. Shes female, she gets to 'suck it up' so she can ensure her DH is looked after.

A woman’s place is well and truly in the wrong on here 🫤

These responses are awful.

Oh, that was in the drip feed, was it?

It appears that the OPs dad has end stage liver failure and may die soon whereas the MIL is actively dying, according to this post.

Also, can't see that the OPs husband has refused to visit her dad. Sounds like her dad doesn't want people to see him looking unwell. Anyway, what a 'race to the bottom' attitude.

Oh op. Step up, put your own shit and negativity to one side and support your dh.

Take your dc, tell them they'll pop in smile and chat then leave and get them a treat on the way home, stop digging your heels in and be a better person. We all do things we'd perhaps rather not but when your spouse is losing a parent you do what you can to help.

Don't let your kids grow up to be selfish people..

So @RiderofRohan the OP has taken on the full load of their business, is dealing with her own father dying and visiting him every night and seeing to their children. Who's looking after her? Can you articulate exactly why you feel the OP doesn't need any support?

OP, honestly, I think you are lacking empathy here.
Is this what you want to role model to your children?

Yes, sometimes I don’t like reading MN because it makes me wonder if I am some kind of pushover when you read such heartless stuff from others.

in this post I was shocked at the bit when she described the awkwardness of the hospital visit. Was she expecting the MIL to entertain the kids or something? When someone is in hospital it is up to US to make them feel comfortable - read to them or play them music, keep up a conversation of sorts even if they are unforthcoming - she is dying for God’s sakes. The husband wants to be able to remember that he and his family pitched in and were caring, not that they abandoned her.

OP has a dying parent in hospital. She has also been left to care for two children and run their business alone while her DH disappears for days on end, and only seems to come home to make demands on his family.

He’s showing her absolutely no support or empathy yet she’s being lambasted for not dropping everything to support him. He also wasn’t even bothered about his mother until she was dying and yet she’s still in the bloody wrong.