AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

Yes but DMIL blanked them -odd

There’s more than 1 way to support her husband. What is she doing by Lee the family going while he spends his time with his mother? Is that not seen as supporting him?

Would you expect someone who’s got a terminal diagnosis and is in hospital to be the life and soul of the party?

Like many PP have said, this is about your relationship with your husband, regardless about your feelings about your MIL.

The final 6 months of my FIL’s life was really gruelling - travelling there whilst keeping down full time jobs, as he started behaving really unpleasantly. But we did it together.

That was 6 years ago. Even now, he will randomly tell me how much he appreciates my support at that time, seemingly out of the blue. He remembers it viscerally, and I hVe no doubt, he would remember if I hadn’t been there for him. I’m sure it would have drastically changed the way he feels about me.

Be there out of love for your husband, not your MIL.

I would be ashamed if my children behaved this way towards someone who was dying. Even children can show some compassion.

I massively agree with this statement.

Im totally with you. Absolutely dont go.

He will be watching the camera to make sure she doesn’t fall. If she does, he will need to arrange help for her.

This was exactly our situation. I chose to go for my husbands sake as he needed me there. The kids came too, they were late teens.
Yes it was difficult, yes it was a bit awkward, yes the kids would rather not at the time( but since have said they are glad they went) BUT, it was the right thing to do.
Put yourself aside for just a short time, it’s not a lot to ask.

I imagine you are pretty tired from taking over the lions share of running the business and probably care of your children so I think it's a bit unfair to say you are entirely unsupportive of your husband. However I do think you probably need to push through for the next few weeks and do what he feel he needs you all as family to do, or reach some kind of compromise. You don't sound like you are stopping him going and I can understand why you want to protect your children. But your husband is in need here and I think I would do what I needed to for his sake for what is unfortunately likely to be a short time because ...well, its his mum dying and that is a really big deal.

I find it ironic that so many of these responses are bashing OP for her lack of empathy, yet none of them are showing any empathy for the OP who is also in a difficult and upsetting situation.

OP's DH never bothered with his mum until she got a terminal diagnosis - it's not fair for him to expect everyone to suddenly start caring when he clearly didn't care for such a long time. I understand he's grieving but you can't make up for years of no relationship in a matter of months.

He also has a wife who is being left to run the business single handedly, as well as two children, one of whom is doing exams this summer and another who is too young to really be involved in any of this. Both children have expressed how uncomfortable they are being made to visit a grandparent they barely know - and imo this should be respected.

Yes, she's their grandmother but that's just a name - if she hasn't bothered with them for years (and their dad hasn't bothered either), then it's not surprising they're not interested now. Sadly, it seems the DH is reaping what he sowed for years, feels guilty and wants his family to play along to make him feel better.

Unfortunately that's not how things work.

This.

Your H has told you this is really important to him.

You can refuse to do it if you want. But you can’t refuse to do it and expect that to have no consequences on your relationship.

It's awkward because they have no relationship with her, which is down to DH's choices. It would be awkward for them if she was in perfect health and they were going to meet her for the first time, at their ages, and told this is their granny, with all that title expects.

The kids are old enough to be talked to about the situation. I'd acknowledge that she is someone they don't know because their father never took them to visit and you understand it's awkward for them, but please do it for Dad because he's having a hard time with his mother dying and it's important to him. That, they should be able to do.

She didn't say one word to the DC when they visited?
Then YANBU. I wouldn't make them go. Their wishes would be paramount.
I would probably go to support DH but wouldn't appreciate being 'told' that's what's happening.

I am with you.

I wonder how you might feel years ahead if you are alone, seriously ill and dying, and your SiL/DiL behaves like this. As you sow..

WTF!

So your husband has made no effort with his mother all the time you've been married and now she's dying you can't stand being in the same room as her?

She may not be nice, she may be materialistic (or that may well be your husband's guilt) but you and your children can put up with a few awkward silences from someone with a terminal prognosis.

I’m sorry OP but that is one of the worst things I have read on here. Completely unforgivable selfishness.

Maybe OP will actually spend time with her children and grandchildren, which isn't the case with her MIL.

You can't spend years not bothering and then want everyone to be by your bedside as you die.

I wouldn't take the kids, I don't think it'd appropriate to bring kids around when someone is actively dying, depending on their age. But also you mentioned she conversely ignored them in hospital and seems they don't have much of a relationship anyway? I'd maybe go alone with your husband on this occasion but I do think you're doing enough by emotionally being there and running the home etc. I don't think you're being horrible OP. My mum is horrific, I wouldn't dare bring the kids around now let alone when she's dying

It’s not just the OP. This thread reeks of an uncaring society.

And did the OP ‘bother’?

I can understand your position. I no longer have a relationship with my MIL for various reasons. Just because she's his mum, doesn't make whatever she's done over the years acceptable. You don't have a relationship with her for a reason and the current situation doesn't magically change anything. Take care of you and your children as your first priority. If she didn't speak to the children, I personally wouldn't take them again as it could be damaging for them.

.. to foster a relationship, I mean.

@fieldsofbutterflies so well said and I agree 💯