Cheeky Fckers

[thisisasurvivor]

I had a work trip on mon and Tue

Tue was a 12 hour day and was up since 4 working

My friend text at 9.30pm to let me know she needed to drop her soon uo at 8am
The next fcking day to be looked after

I text back that I was not even home yet

She didn't respond

7.40am next day knock on door
She dropped her son off

I was so angry/tired/ bewildered to go bat shit

SHE DIDNT TEXT AFTER TO EVEN SAY SORRY OR TO THANK me

I'm so done with letting this shit happen

Sorry I just need to vent

Next time she asks I need a firm response

No doesn't seem to work as she has been known to come up anyway and say she has no one

I'm a single parent and I work from home

She has dropped her kids to me many times while I work from home

Fcking cheek

She has many sister in laws who can step in wt f is she still as this utter shit

I really do understand that.
The OP has been given lots of good advice and it really would be similar to ripping off a plaster to get the message sent to the CFker and put a stop to it. Most people are back at work from tomorrow and the sooner the OP sends the message that she is no longer available for looking after the CFker's kid, the better for the OP. That's all.
The longer the OP waits to build up the courage to send the message, the more opportunities the CFker has to send her child to the OP for looking after.
It's not rocket science. I do understand though that not everyone finds this stuff easy, but the relief once the message gets sent will be enormous!

More neck than ET. Bin her off OP. You probably won't get the money she owes you back though.

Thank you

It's not that easy

This is ridiculous.
‘ No’ without an apology is needed.

@thisisasurvivor - why do you find this not easy to do?

By stewing over it for hours/days/weeks you are leaving yourself open to this person (and others possibly) taking advantage of you and preying on your generous nature.

This isn't a friendship that you want to keep.

She is a cheeky fucker, but she's that way because she's getting away with it. With CFs like this, the only language they understand is a cold, hard, direct no.

Don't give excuses-she'll only try and wiggle her way around them and make it "work" and excuses have a limited shelf-life i.e., "can't do it now not available," can easily translate to "not available right now but next time..."

"Dear x,

I'm not going to be providing anymore childcare. Stop asking and showing up on my doorstep. You and your husband need to make other arrangements going forward."

Make it very clear that you don't appreciate her just showing up on your doorstep. Make it very clear it's not negotiable and you won't be swayed and that there's never going to be an opportunity where you will look after her children again.

If she thinks there's a possibility of an "in" she'll bank on it and take it. Direct, firm, cold and hard NO. Then cut ties with her because CFs hate being told no and be prepared to face the tantrum of a lifetime-but block and don't answer the door if she comes round.

It really isn't easy and it's definitely something easier said than done.

I've noticed on loads of the threads about CFs that a lot of the OPs dealing with CFs are quite passive-timid to say no-and like to avoid confrontation/conflict at all costs.

That's not a coincidence, I don't think. I think CFs latch onto people like that because they know there's less chance that they'll say no and that they'll get away with quite an astonishing amount of CFery before they do eventually have to put a stop to it.

I'm quite passive and non-confrontational, too and would struggle with saying no in this circumstance. However, you need to think of your objective. You want this "arrangement" to end.

So, you need to take the steps to make it end. She's relying on you being too nice to say no. Prove her wrong. There'll be many others in her life that will have said no to her-she's just found the person that she thinks won't and is taking advantage of that.

Remember that her child isn't your responsibility. There's two adults in that family-between them, they can work out that they need to get a childminder in place or put the children in nursery and pay for it. Like everyone else does.

So you have nothing to feel bad about here. Her childcare situation isn't your problem to solve. It's hers and her husbands.

So I sent the message that I have taken on extra work and there was no way I could manage with any kids in the house

She dropped over a bag full of gifts to say thank you and she took my kids for two days this week

Glad she did this as I don't feel like such a mug but the general agreement is that I can't cope with work and any kids around me while I'm trying to get my job done

So no bad feelings ( I hope)

And yes I'm sure plenty of you will say I'm an idiot and too soft

We'll just wait for the next thread ...

Looooooooooool

Ah now !!! 🙄🙄

Sorry but she'll be back in a few weeks/months - 'I know you said ... but it's an emergency ...'.

Guaranteed she will see this gesture as you will be in her debt before long.

Well done for sending the message OP. Stay strong and feel proud for taking your first step towards assertiveness

Next step is to make sure you don't get pulled in to any more favours for this person, not 'just this...' or 'it's only'. A firm ' Sorry, I can't help'

I'd also have a look at developing your confidence and assertiveness skills as this would benefit you in so many ways- I'm sure the wise minds of mumsnet would have some good recommendations (edit for typo)

Totally agree

And many of the posters who said I'm a walkover are so bloody right
Why let people do shit things?

I just need to keep reiterating it as it is
Can't work with any kids in the house
Simple as that !!!

(Hope so)

Yup, just stick to the script. This is usually enough that most users get bored and start looking for a new mark. Occasionally they will reappear with gusto, so do be prepared for that

I think these users get away with their tricks because most of us actually want to be helpful. Most of us have been caught out by a user OP so don't beat yourself up. Learn from it and save your willingness to help for genuine friends and good causes

Tell her straight, do not open the door. She has crossed your boundaries too many times. She is not a friend, she is a user!

Well done on drawing a line. Don’t feel indebted because of this week’s gifts and childcare - a drop in the ocean. She’s trying harder to court you because she can see she’s tripped your alarm system and you are stiffening your resolve. Stick to your guns. “That won’t work for me” (no further explanation needed) is handy and doesn’t leave any crack open for her to work on.

Unfortunately @thisisasurvivor , that message would be seen as a temporary and I mean temporary bump in the level of service that you're providing to the CF Neighbour.

They will accept that you've taken on extra work but when that extra work simply becomes the normal workload for you (give it a few weeks/months), they will be back asking you or simply dropping their kid to your door.

Also you have said that you can't do your work when there are kids around, what about when you've finished your work for the day? Will they expect you to look after their kid when you've finished your work? By what you've written in this thread, this particular woman is coming across as the type that if you give them a glimmer of hope for getting her foot in the door again, she'll do it and won't give a second thought for how exhausted you might be or if you have already made plans of your own.

You really do need to speak plainly, without any flowery words and say to her that you will no longer be able to look after her kid under any circumstances.
As you've started clearing things up with her, which is a huge step for you, now is a great time to follow up with whatever you sent her recently with something spelling it out to her that you're not available even in emergencies (because that will happen).

Stay strong and you will prevail!!

What were the gifts??

I plan on sticking to my work and paying for childcare for my kids with the local childminder

There is no other way around it

My Mh and work are suffering

Cake
Chocs
Easter eggs
Biscuits

I interpreted that as a way of her seeing she over stepped the mark

But who knows

Could be stuck again soon with no one to help? 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

@thisisasurvivor

"Could be stuck again soon with no one to help? 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️"

I'd say highly likely. The thing is your message didn't directly say "I'm not going to watch your kids at all, ever again". It basically said (and I'm 'interpreting' it as her) "I can't do it now because I'm doing extra work". So she may 'lay low' until some time has passed and start doing it again to see if you're still doing 'extra work'. Or she may decide to find some other nice person and start imposing on them in which case you'll probably be off the hook.

Or as a PP said, the gifts were a gesture she made to create as sense of obligation in you. Which sort of fits in with keeping you as a back up plan in case she can't find someone else.

But for now, just enjoy not having her kids there.

Hopefully when you're no longer her default free childcare, she'll ignore you!

Someone once asked me to look after her kids for 6 effing weeks... Free of charge... 😂😂😂.

I only vaguely knew this women,I'd done a massive favour a few weeks earlier when she needed a 4 hour round trip to hospital... She suddenly had no money for parking.... So this cost me time and money.

I'd never even met her kids... She rang back twice trying to persuade me... I mean WHY Wtf??! Then tried to blame me as it would mess up her career😂.....

A mutual friend was completely used by this woman.. The moment they lived in different city... Cheeky fucker cut off all contact with mutual friend... No longer useful...

Yes this is very true

I hate confrontations so took the easy way out I guess

How the hell do I get myself in these situations

And thank you all

Great advice as always
I totally needed a kick up the butt

@thisisasurvivor have you still not told this 'friend' you're not looking after her children again? you've been stewing on it and the anger has burnt itself out.

you've been given so many wordings to use to say 'no more', just do it.

'I won't be doing any more childcare for you, please don't ask. I put my own children in childcare because I can't work with them at home. so definitely don't want anyone else's children here either.'