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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I want to hire this man but I really fancy him

108 replies

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:33

I'll try to keep it non outting.

I have a business. It's hard to get reliable staff as by nature of the work it attracts young people who take a casual approach. I spend a lot of time recruiting.

My DH helps me in the business but wants to step back entirely as his real job is senior and demanding. He pays for most stuff. He's also a great DH, we are going through a very in love phase which is why I hate this.

A man applied for the job and followed up proactively. He's our age and way over qualified. He would be a great person to have as a friend due to his industry experience. I told him straight off he was too qualified, would be bored and the opportunity would bore him. He was very persuasive and had sound reasons why this would suit his current life. We agreed to meet for a coffee to discuss.

Now the problem. We hit it off big style and afterwards I realised I kept thinking about him, his voice, his physique, his smile, things we talked about, a few jokes we shared. In short, I fancied him absolutely rotten which is a first for me. He is also married.

I know people will say so what, people get crushes, you have only met him once, he's probably used to women fancying him if he's that hot. That part might be all true but everytime I imagine my husband seeing inside my head (he's amazing) I feel so guilty. He came to say hello and I noticed him give me a searching look. I'm guessing he spotted the telltale signs of me being gooey eyed.

Am I being ridiculous to not hire this man? I won't even see that much of him.

Yabu - get a grip woman, this is nothing and you'll cringe when you look back
Yanbu - it's probably nothing but why take the risk? Find someone else

OP posts:
FiloPasty · 29/03/2024 17:37

Trust your gut on this one. I didn’t take a job once because the guy who interviewed me was hot, I just knew I’d end up doing something inappropriate at a staff party!

dudsville · 29/03/2024 17:40

I honestly don't know. I've sometimes had to work with people I was attracted to and it is a hardship, so it would be easy to say cut your losses and keep looking. But it's a hard post to fill well and he's keen, so can you just cool your jets? I'm reminded of my approach to shopping, i don't need to own all the things i like or admire. He can be attractive without you thinking anything further.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:40

FiloPasty · 29/03/2024 17:37

Trust your gut on this one. I didn’t take a job once because the guy who interviewed me was hot, I just knew I’d end up doing something inappropriate at a staff party!

You're right. Afterwards I took out my phone to text my bestie to suggest she come in next week to meet the new hot staff member and I realised I just couldn't. It didn't feel like the usual harmless nonsense and I realised I had an actual genuine crush. I also felt sad thinking how hurt DH would be if he knew about the giddy feeling I have.

OP posts:
Vegetus · 29/03/2024 17:42

Don't flatter yourself. He might think you're ugly as fuck for all you know. Just hire the guy if he's right for the job.

Harpyand · 29/03/2024 17:45

You met him once? I wouldn't call that a crush, just meeting one of the many people you will meet throughout your life whom you find attractive, and which you need to learn to deal with without getting all panicky.

I'd be far more wary of hiring someone so overqualified for the role, though -- I'd assume he wouldn't stay long. Having said that, if his industry experience would really make him an asset, even if he only stayed a few months, I'd hire him and pick him brains.

missmollygreen · 29/03/2024 17:45

Denying someone a job because you fancy him is pathetic to be honest.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:46

Vegetus · 29/03/2024 17:42

Don't flatter yourself. He might think you're ugly as fuck for all you know. Just hire the guy if he's right for the job.

Errrrmmmm what? I didn't say he fancied me. I would be surprised if he thinks I'm ugly as fuck but he is married (to a supermodel for all I know) so it should not matter.

OP posts:
Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:46

missmollygreen · 29/03/2024 17:45

Denying someone a job because you fancy him is pathetic to be honest.

I know

OP posts:
Cherryana · 29/03/2024 17:47

If you have a choice then it’s a no from me.

I think marriage is both saying yes to your husband and no to everyone else. Sometimes your ‘no’ has to look like an avoid.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:48

Harpyand · 29/03/2024 17:45

You met him once? I wouldn't call that a crush, just meeting one of the many people you will meet throughout your life whom you find attractive, and which you need to learn to deal with without getting all panicky.

I'd be far more wary of hiring someone so overqualified for the role, though -- I'd assume he wouldn't stay long. Having said that, if his industry experience would really make him an asset, even if he only stayed a few months, I'd hire him and pick him brains.

The being over qualified was my main reservation but we ironed all that out. Even six months would be positive.

The other thing is - him coming on board will allow my DH to stop helping me out which will relieve the pressure a lot.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 29/03/2024 17:49

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:48

The being over qualified was my main reservation but we ironed all that out. Even six months would be positive.

The other thing is - him coming on board will allow my DH to stop helping me out which will relieve the pressure a lot.

You sound like you are trying to justify it.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 29/03/2024 17:50

If your DH has been involved in the business it would be a good idea to ask him to meet this man as a sort of second interview. See what he thinks about his suitability for the role.

LittlePudding1 · 29/03/2024 17:50

Of course you hit it off, he was being the best version of himself and trying to impress because he wants the job

Just because you fancy him it doesn't mean there's a cosmic connection and he fancies you

If he'd be great at the job just hire him. If you can't trust yourself around him then I'd say your marriage has bigger problems and you perhaps need to focus on what they are

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:51

TheSnowyOwl · 29/03/2024 17:49

You sound like you are trying to justify it.

Well every hire does need to be justified so yes I am.

I am actually trying to justify not hiring him as he is miles better than any other applicants.

OP posts:
Pollyannamex · 29/03/2024 17:52

Put your marriage first, you don’t owe this other man anything

what would you rather your husband did if the shoe was on the other foot?

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/03/2024 17:52

Get over yourself. You can't have a crush on someone unless you allow yourself to. Picture him having a shit or whatever turns you off and it will go away.

If you are happy in your marriage, this guy is no threat whatsoever. He is a useful asset, and will enable your dh to do what he wants, so hire him and stay professional.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/03/2024 17:52

You don't seek to be able to seperate emotions (your attraction, giddiness) and business logic (he's overqualified, likely to be a good hire), that's not his fault & disappointing that he loses out because of it, but given you are already fawning all over him, hiring him would be a stupid move.

As for the longing look....it's probably him just wondering if you are going to give him a job or just wasting his time. It is most likely that he is longing for the decision rather than for you.

Crumpleton · 29/03/2024 17:54

He would be a great person to have as a friend

You're not recruiting for friends, you're recruiting to find people to join your buisness.

You've already stated that you fancied him but is it a passing fancy or would you ever act out on that.

On the other hand though you say you hit it off big time there's nothing concrete that you've written that says he fancied you too, for all you know he maybe happily married and not into a bit of extra marital shenanigans.

You're just going to have to go with your head cause following the heart can get a person into so much trouble.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:56

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/03/2024 17:52

You don't seek to be able to seperate emotions (your attraction, giddiness) and business logic (he's overqualified, likely to be a good hire), that's not his fault & disappointing that he loses out because of it, but given you are already fawning all over him, hiring him would be a stupid move.

As for the longing look....it's probably him just wondering if you are going to give him a job or just wasting his time. It is most likely that he is longing for the decision rather than for you.

No.

This man gave me no longing look!

My DH gave me a 'searching look' after I'd introduced them and the three of us chatted. I wonder did he think "why is she behaving like that?" as he knows me so well and spotted that I'd gone a bit gooey eyed. Which makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:58

To be clear - I have no reason to think he fancied me. He gave no such indication.

OP posts:
MurderousCheekbones · 29/03/2024 18:00

I'm on Team No, speaking from experience.

Crumpleton · 29/03/2024 18:03

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:56

No.

This man gave me no longing look!

My DH gave me a 'searching look' after I'd introduced them and the three of us chatted. I wonder did he think "why is she behaving like that?" as he knows me so well and spotted that I'd gone a bit gooey eyed. Which makes me feel guilty.

As of yet bar thinking you fancy him there's nothing to feel guilty about, hopefully it'll stay that way.

But I suspect your DH isn't stupid so maybe he did pick up on the fact you were acting a bit "gooey eyed"

Keep up with the interviewing..

5128gap · 29/03/2024 18:04

Do you think you can control yourself and be clear sighted in the event he realises (which he likely already does, because if they're that hot they usually know it) and tries to play you to his advantage? Because if you're trusting him in your business you need to be confident you'll make decisions for the right reasons, not because your employee turns on the charm.

AnotherEmma · 29/03/2024 18:05

It's unfortunate to miss out on his professional expertise but I think you should do the sensible thing and not hire him. You have the perfect excuse which is that he's overqualified.

You clearly love your husband and you're happy with him so it's not worth the risk.

If you were single or unhappily married, OTOH...!

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/03/2024 18:10

Tell your husband