I want to hire this man but I really fancy him

[Ohnodontwantthiscrush]

I'll try to keep it non outting.

I have a business. It's hard to get reliable staff as by nature of the work it attracts young people who take a casual approach. I spend a lot of time recruiting.

My DH helps me in the business but wants to step back entirely as his real job is senior and demanding. He pays for most stuff. He's also a great DH, we are going through a very in love phase which is why I hate this.

A man applied for the job and followed up proactively. He's our age and way over qualified. He would be a great person to have as a friend due to his industry experience. I told him straight off he was too qualified, would be bored and the opportunity would bore him. He was very persuasive and had sound reasons why this would suit his current life. We agreed to meet for a coffee to discuss.

Now the problem. We hit it off big style and afterwards I realised I kept thinking about him, his voice, his physique, his smile, things we talked about, a few jokes we shared. In short, I fancied him absolutely rotten which is a first for me. He is also married.

I know people will say so what, people get crushes, you have only met him once, he's probably used to women fancying him if he's that hot. That part might be all true but everytime I imagine my husband seeing inside my head (he's amazing) I feel so guilty. He came to say hello and I noticed him give me a searching look. I'm guessing he spotted the telltale signs of me being gooey eyed.

Am I being ridiculous to not hire this man? I won't even see that much of him.

Yabu - get a grip woman, this is nothing and you'll cringe when you look back
Yanbu - it's probably nothing but why take the risk? Find someone else

Conscientious of you to feel guilty about what is v normal imo, fancying others.

Is it Jackie Kay who said the best way to get over someone is to spend more time with them ?

You might work with him for and totally forget you fancied him. You might not though. Tricky call tbh. How long will you spend spend him and can you work out a way to get out of the situation if it becomee too hard, like trial period etc?

I'm going to hire him and keep my distance.

I had a big post written out about my DH and I which I found quite therapeutic and then deleted as it's too private. We have really been through it and this is all so silly.

Thanks for all the replies.

FFS I'm so sick of seeing these "have a crush but I'm married/in a relationship" threads! If you're married or in a relationship but constantly having crushes on other people, you're with the wrong person, and you've settled. No, it's not normal to fancy other people in a partnership- once that starts happening it might be time to evaluate and reconsider

Tbh honest he sounds like he was buttering you up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to learn the job inside out so he can start his own business doing it. I would be suspicious.

Is this directed at me? Something happening once is not constantly.

Eek. I see you’ve decided to hire him, when I just scrolled down to post absolutely do not hire him!! You couldn’t even behave completely normally in the brief contact you’ve had with him so far, this is just asking for trouble. I’ve sort of had the same, DH and I run a business and I decided not to hire a guy based on there being a degree of chemistry between us. I don’t like to make a habit of inviting potential trouble into my life, if I can help it.

Not this at all.

It'll be fine. I see your point and appreciate your perspective but I know it won't be a problem.

So if you went for an interview you would be fine with a man not hiring you because he fancied you?

The responses to this thread are mind blowing, maybe MN has changed.

She might not appreciate it but I suspect his wife would.

Good for you being so honest with yourself. I think best not to hire him, it's too easy to get carried away and the guilt over your lovely husband is not worth it.

You can’t control yourself so he misses out on a job?

Imagine if the sexes were reversed. Appalling.

If your husband interviewed someone and felt giddy with a crush would you want him to hire her? Genuine question. I think it's an important consideration.

If it’s your own business, you’re having trouble finding and keeling staff, and this guy fits the bill, I would hire him. You’ll get
over your crush.

How closely would you need to work with him? Would your contact be mostly virtual, or mostly in person? It sounds like he would be a great person to hire, and he really wants the job too - it's a shame to miss out on someone who would make your professional life easier.

I think it is normal to occasionally meet people in life who you find attractive and click with - the reality is that, unless you believe in soul mates, most of us will have the potential to be compatible with more than one person. Whether we ever meet these other 'compatibles' is entirely a matter of chance, but it does happen.

If it helps, something a bit like this happened to me once - it wasn't as instant as yours, but over time I realised that I really clicked with a man I worked with. We were both on rotating contracts and would be working with each other for a set period of time. A couple of people around us actually made jokes about how similar we were/that we would have got married in a different life etc. I did find it difficult to ignore how much I started to like him. However, it was manageable and eventually we moved on to different teams. I know your situation is a bit different as you already know that you like him before working with him. I guess it's a case of how much you think you could manage it/keep the feelings at bay.

This is mad.

If someone didn't hire me, even though I was the best qualified for the role, because 'they couldn't trust themselves' around me I'd be fucking fuming.

Glad to hear he gets the job.

Well I imagine an employment lawyer would have very strong views.

If you're going to set yourself up as someone responsible enough to be hiring and firing then you need to be responsible enough to keep it in your pants.

Exactly this. Like you say it’s not his looks that have attracted you to him it’s something else which could be an absolute facade m. He could be a high grade bull sh*tter. He could be an absolute manipulator.

i mean I’m sure it’s illegal to not hire someone because you fancy someone but you can find another reason can’t you. It sounds like you’re going to find it really difficult to work with him so don’t do it to yourself x

I know why he wants the job despite being over qualified and it's not relevant to this thread. I also know he won't stay with us for years, more likely 10-15 months. Hiring him will make life easier and the clients will like him too.

I seem to have had 24 hour insanity there but it has passed. I will be keeping things very very professional.

I'm pleased with my decision and appreciate all the replies.

Actions are a result of choices yes. But feelings/ chemistry isn’t always based on rational/ objective choices.

And If those feelings go on for a long time they affect your actions and slips in judgement can happen…. Sometimes best to remove yourself from any potential isn’t there?

Your thinking is great and very black and white but I expect you’ve never been in that situation. I never had until 15 years into marriage met someone and there was chemistry (I thought)- turns out they’re a creep. Luckily I’ve never acted on it but can’t guarantee that if I hadn’t seen the light that I wouldn’t have done.

Hire him, and if he does come to work for you, keep it very business-like but friendly, Make it clear that you're very happily married. No game-playing, just upfront honesty about the nature of the relationship with your employee, that they are in your company to contribute and further the needs of the business.

and don't keep thinking of him as your 'hot' employee. That's something a teenager says, not a married woman running a business.

This is a really sensible suggestion. Especially if your DH did notice that you were a bit giddy. He will only say hire the guy if he thinks he is absolutely the best choice. If that’s how it turns out you’ll just have to take lots of cold showers, imagine him picking his nose etc, befriend his wife or whatever else it takes to get rid of the giddy

I'd be questioning my marriage if that happened!

I'd say don't hire him. This isn't a standard interview, it's your small family business. So you get to decide.

I think if you hire him you are opening a window to him and will be vulnerable to a whole heap of mess (emotional/physical affair) in future. The fact you are already giving it so much headspace shows it's a powerful attraction. In my experience intense attractions like that are rarely one way as people are sparking of each others subconscious cues.

Do yourself and your marriage a favour and keep looking.