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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I want to hire this man but I really fancy him

108 replies

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 29/03/2024 17:33

I'll try to keep it non outting.

I have a business. It's hard to get reliable staff as by nature of the work it attracts young people who take a casual approach. I spend a lot of time recruiting.

My DH helps me in the business but wants to step back entirely as his real job is senior and demanding. He pays for most stuff. He's also a great DH, we are going through a very in love phase which is why I hate this.

A man applied for the job and followed up proactively. He's our age and way over qualified. He would be a great person to have as a friend due to his industry experience. I told him straight off he was too qualified, would be bored and the opportunity would bore him. He was very persuasive and had sound reasons why this would suit his current life. We agreed to meet for a coffee to discuss.

Now the problem. We hit it off big style and afterwards I realised I kept thinking about him, his voice, his physique, his smile, things we talked about, a few jokes we shared. In short, I fancied him absolutely rotten which is a first for me. He is also married.

I know people will say so what, people get crushes, you have only met him once, he's probably used to women fancying him if he's that hot. That part might be all true but everytime I imagine my husband seeing inside my head (he's amazing) I feel so guilty. He came to say hello and I noticed him give me a searching look. I'm guessing he spotted the telltale signs of me being gooey eyed.

Am I being ridiculous to not hire this man? I won't even see that much of him.

Yabu - get a grip woman, this is nothing and you'll cringe when you look back
Yanbu - it's probably nothing but why take the risk? Find someone else

OP posts:
5128gap · 29/03/2024 18:20

It seems a shame that the go to resolve to this is to avoid giving a job to someone, just because they have the misfortune to be attractive to you. Seriously, what do you think is likely to happen if you hire someone you think is hot? You are a grown woman with agency and control of your behaviour. You must have been around hot men before without losing the run of yourself, so you surely just need to stay appropriate and business like with him, not let him flatter or flirt you into poor business decisions, or showing him favouritsm, and all good?

Mummame2222 · 29/03/2024 18:22

Vegetus · 29/03/2024 17:42

Don't flatter yourself. He might think you're ugly as fuck for all you know. Just hire the guy if he's right for the job.

What the fuck? Are you massively insecure?

Mummame2222 · 29/03/2024 18:22

Leave it well alone OP. It’s not worth it.

SleepyRooster · 29/03/2024 18:25

Hire him. It'll wear off. Look at your marriage (I mean that neutrally - this crush might be a symptom)

theconfidenceofwho · 29/03/2024 18:27

Vegetus · 29/03/2024 17:42

Don't flatter yourself. He might think you're ugly as fuck for all you know. Just hire the guy if he's right for the job.

I thought this too Grin

Ohffsbarbara · 29/03/2024 18:27

I would swerve this one.

The last man I ended up having an intense attraction to felt the same way about me and we had an affair. Both married. Both spouses found out (I actually confessed to my dh) - still dealing with the aftermath of it all now.

I never thought I’d be the type to have an affair but my marriage was/is very unhappy and I very rarely fancy people. He came along at a time I was feeling very sad and vulnerable and I needed some kindness and attention (not making excuses- it was wrong and I’m still in shock that I did it)

You say your marriage is good so maybe nothing will happen but I just know for me, there’s no way I’d have been able to work alongside this man without something developing. I’ve not seen him for a month now and most of my day is consumed with thoughts of him, it’s torture. I wish I’d just walked away the first time I met him.

Vegetus · 29/03/2024 18:52

Mummame2222 · 29/03/2024 18:22

What the fuck? Are you massively insecure?

Quite the opposite.

Mummame2222 · 29/03/2024 18:56

Seems really odd to try to destroy the confidence of another woman then.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 29/03/2024 19:23

I honestly think if this were a man writing about an attractive woman, people would be responding differently. If a man was wondering whether to hire the best, most qualified person for the job, but was considering not to because she was so hot, people would say:

  • that's discrimination
  • it's his problem, not hers
  • he needs to grow up and deal with it

They would consider it to be entirely the man's fault.

Sorry, I know it's not easy but you just have to pick the best person for the job.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 29/03/2024 19:25

SleepyRooster · 29/03/2024 18:25

Hire him. It'll wear off. Look at your marriage (I mean that neutrally - this crush might be a symptom)

Yes. I think if you're at a place where you're going to have a massive crush, you'll find one elsewhere if it's not this guy.

MsCactus · 29/03/2024 19:37

Whatifthehokeycokey · 29/03/2024 19:25

Yes. I think if you're at a place where you're going to have a massive crush, you'll find one elsewhere if it's not this guy.

Not sure this is true. I get huge crushes on men when I ovulate - then disappears a couple of days later and I think "ew" 😂

Think crushes can just be hormonal

Bluefell · 29/03/2024 19:42

Are you unable to be professional and recognise that this is merely an emotion? You don’t have to do anything about it. He probably isn’t attracted to you and/or doesn’t intend to do anything with you either. Honestly if I had to avoid everyone who I thought was hot I’d just have to lock myself in the house and never go out! Have you considered how unfair it is that he really wants this job and you’re depriving him of it because you can’t control yourself like an adult?

FrogFairy · 29/03/2024 19:58

Lusting aside, I would be concerned why someone so qualified and experienced wants to take such a step down in their career.
Have they been fired, unreliable, dishonest, substance abuse, gambling?

HidingFromDD · 29/03/2024 20:29

If you interviewed for a job and had a great interview and connection, what would you think if they refused to hire you because you were ‘too hot’. It is discrimination. I’d suggest that you ask dh to interview and then take a step back and look at the interview responses dispassionately. I’d be drilling down on the reasons for stepping down (currently unemployed? I’m in the same position and would also take a step down, competition for jobs is fierce atm) and look at whether he would add value if he was there for 6 months.

i also think you should be honest with dh about your reservations and why. Sounds like this is something you need to work on as part of your professional development and maybe dh can help you with that

Evaka · 29/03/2024 20:34

Don't hire him. He'll be a massively unwelcome distraction and if he's v overqualified he'll fuck off soon anyway once he's reset/gained xp for his next venture/recovered from burnout/whatever compelling reason he gave you. Just keep looking for a reliable person at the right age/stage.

TabithaTwitchel · 29/03/2024 20:35

I'd hire him and tell my husband I fancied him a bit.

However ... I'd be able to do this because I'm happy in my marriage and secure and I would not have an affair / whatever. So telling my husband (the least insecure man ever) would just mean we'd laugh about it and it'd then be out in the open. You're allowed to find other people attractive!

But you know yourself and whether you can keep it as a nice little one off attraction or whether you're looking for something more ...

Acapulco12 · 29/03/2024 20:38

CharlotteSometimes1 · 29/03/2024 17:50

If your DH has been involved in the business it would be a good idea to ask him to meet this man as a sort of second interview. See what he thinks about his suitability for the role.

I agree with this - this sounds like a good plan, OP.

neverbeenskiing · 29/03/2024 20:57

The fact that you're considering not hiring this man who is, by your own admission, perfect for the role tells me you don't trust yourself. Instead of thinking "great, I've found the perfect candidate, and he's quite nice to look at too so that's a bonus" you're feeling anxious and guilty. It's almost as if you've already decided that if you do hire him something is going to happen between you.

Xenoi24 · 29/03/2024 21:06

You should make the decision that's best for your business. .
Take his looks etc out of it ....

You said you won't have to deal with him much.

Anyway, as someone asked ..why is stepping down?

It's actually kinda comical/farcical that you were so giddy that your husband gave you a wtf look .

Without meaning to be offensive, it sounds like you need to mature somewhat.

Oh and loads of people seem lovely on superficial meeting.

You do have my sympathy though - for ages I was sent into the dentists who work downstairs in the dental practice I attend, then one day was randomly sent upstairs and discovered the hottest dentist in the world (well, the British isles at least) works up there. Then I had to lie through having my head pressed into his (probably) six pack while he bent over me working on my mouth. I noticed that out of the dental assistants (most young) he was working with the middle aged lady; probably because if he was paired with the any of the younger ones, they'd be shagging him on the dentist chair sooner or later. I think I'd rather just go back to the ordinary dentists downstairs.

I suppose you could take the humourous approach you were going to .... And keep at the forefront of your mind that a. He's married b he's your employee and c. you're happily married to a good man.

minipie · 29/03/2024 21:11

Whatifthehokeycokey · 29/03/2024 19:23

I honestly think if this were a man writing about an attractive woman, people would be responding differently. If a man was wondering whether to hire the best, most qualified person for the job, but was considering not to because she was so hot, people would say:

  • that's discrimination
  • it's his problem, not hers
  • he needs to grow up and deal with it

They would consider it to be entirely the man's fault.

Sorry, I know it's not easy but you just have to pick the best person for the job.

Absolutely this

All the “don’t go there” posters - wouldn’t you be outraged if someone didn’t hire you because they fancied you?

I think you should hire him but also agree with tell your husband (in a very toned down jokey way) - if you’ve told him I think it’s less likely you would do anything

And as pp says there may be nothing on the table ever anyway

minipie · 29/03/2024 21:12

Lusting aside, I would be concerned why someone so qualified and experienced wants to take such a step down in their career.

Lots of women do this because it fits with childcare and gives them more headspace/less stress while they are juggling lots of home stuff too. Maybe that’s his reason?

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 29/03/2024 21:15

Nothing good will come of this.

BigBreaths · 29/03/2024 21:22

I can't believe what I am reading. Does your business need him? Yes? Then hire him.

I worked with a guy who had we been single we would certainly have got together. But I wasn't single. He made his keen ness very plain so I avoided any situation that might be "dangerous", because he was lovely. But I was and am married.

I never met him after work for drinks. I never worked alone with him in a room. If he said flirty things I made a joke of it or reminded him I was married. It was fine.

This was 20 years ago, he is now happily married, I still am, we never so much as hugged or kissed. Because I have some control over my knickers.

UpsideLeft · 29/03/2024 21:22

I'd hire him because we'd get on

therealcookiemonster · 29/03/2024 21:35

@Ohnodontwantthiscrush OP just do whatever it is would want your DH to do in this exact situation

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