I want to hire this man but I really fancy him

[Ohnodontwantthiscrush]

I'll try to keep it non outting.

I have a business. It's hard to get reliable staff as by nature of the work it attracts young people who take a casual approach. I spend a lot of time recruiting.

My DH helps me in the business but wants to step back entirely as his real job is senior and demanding. He pays for most stuff. He's also a great DH, we are going through a very in love phase which is why I hate this.

A man applied for the job and followed up proactively. He's our age and way over qualified. He would be a great person to have as a friend due to his industry experience. I told him straight off he was too qualified, would be bored and the opportunity would bore him. He was very persuasive and had sound reasons why this would suit his current life. We agreed to meet for a coffee to discuss.

Now the problem. We hit it off big style and afterwards I realised I kept thinking about him, his voice, his physique, his smile, things we talked about, a few jokes we shared. In short, I fancied him absolutely rotten which is a first for me. He is also married.

I know people will say so what, people get crushes, you have only met him once, he's probably used to women fancying him if he's that hot. That part might be all true but everytime I imagine my husband seeing inside my head (he's amazing) I feel so guilty. He came to say hello and I noticed him give me a searching look. I'm guessing he spotted the telltale signs of me being gooey eyed.

Am I being ridiculous to not hire this man? I won't even see that much of him.

Yabu - get a grip woman, this is nothing and you'll cringe when you look back
Yanbu - it's probably nothing but why take the risk? Find someone else

This

My advice, seriously don't hire him. You will most likely ruin your own marriage one way or another. I'm not joking. It's not worth it.

Your husband is the number one in your life and vice versa. Anything that tempts you away from that should be avoided like the plague! X

in an ideal world you would set your feelings aside and hire him right? and if you think it’s something that will pass that’s great. But in reality maybe avoid. Having just got over a crush which lasted several months and I think affected my behaviour at work (I’d avoid this person?’c get all embarrassed etc etc) it felt like actually living hell at times. I’ll be honest the guy I fancied seems like an absolute manipulator. Don’t know if yours is similar? Does seem iffy that he’s way over qualified and wants the job- could it be a bit of a story? X

The problem isn't that he is attractive. I wasn't especially blown away by his appearance when we met.

The problem is that I was massively attracted to him. I kept noticing small details about him as we talked. I meet people all the time. I haven't experienced this since I met DH. I was intrigued by him.

I feel crap about it. DH would be hurt. I even feel guilty about this thread. As I was writing it DH was doing some work for me on his day off from his real job. He really is very good to me.

If a man didn't hire me because he found me too attractive (not likely!) I would be outraged.

I've had intense crushes on colleagues but it always passes. I never act on the feelings and I look at the colleagues now and feel bemused that I ever fancied them. These things are often transient.

Maybe hiring him is the right thing to do op. But it sounds like you shouldn't. You are already tying yourself up in knots after one meeting. There will be all sorts of other as yet unknown scenarios to cause you angst if you hire him, and you'll be second guessing conversations and more relevantly business decisions. Why invite drama of any description into your life?

His charm during an interview is there because he wants the job. It may be an entirely different persona when hired. If you can't trust yourself despite being "happily married" don't hire him.

Forget how attractive he is for a minute. Why on earth does he want to work for you when the job is below his level? I would really be looking at that very carefully and wondering what it is about him that wants that move. You have a small business so the chance of him moving up is very slim. I would be very wary about his reasons for leaving his previous job.

And the fact he is so persuasive is a worry as well.

Have a chat with your husband about him, in a ... he seems over qualified what do you think, would he be a fit or not really, should I keep looking

He can then give some advice, see how he feels about him joining the team.

Personally I don't find that finding someone attractive, even if that goes further into crush territory, is an impediment to working with them. Attraction happens and is perfectly natural. Acting on that attraction can always be controlled. It would seem very self-defeating to reject a candidate who'd easily be the best for the business, just because you think you lack self-control.

Plenty of reasons. In a lot of industries, once you get to a certain level, progression means doing less of the work you actually love and more time managing people. If you want to do the job you enjoy you have to dodge promotions sometimes. Or maybe he wants/needs more work-life balance, or other commitments have come up in his life that means taking a step "down" makes more sense.

Trying to imagine the outrage of this post if the sexes were reversed 🙈 weird and creepy.

Don't hire him. You'll end up making a complete fool of yourself which you have already done on here. I'm surprised you have a successful business as you sound very immature. If this was a man writing this post everyone on here would be a calling him a creep or worse.

I realise that taking a 'what would you think if the sexes were reversed?' approach might seem a bit hackneyed but... what the hell would you think if the sexes were reversed?

If men chose not to hire women they found attractive, women's gains in the workplace would have been direly curtailed over many decades.

If a man decided not to hire a woman on the basis of having an intense crush on her, my thoughts would be 'why can't he be a professional individual and sufficiently good human to get over this and respect this woman's professional talents and role?'

Crushes on colleagues are fine. If we let them influence hiring decisions and how we treat people in the workplace... well that's the thin end of the Harvey Weinstein edge (and no, I'm not saying you are anything like him at all - perhaps it is ludicrously overblown of me to even mention him - but I think it's worth reflecting on how the power dynamics of being in a position to influence other people's careers can take us). There's nothing wrong with a rich fantasy life and attraction is a powerful force but we all have the power to manage those feelings if we want to. Otherwise we'd be suggesting that workplace sexual harassment is just an inevitable product of human nature.

You have a vacancy to fill. You need to hire the most suitable candidate, as assessed in the fairest way possible and without your level of attraction to this guy in mind. And whether you hire him or not, you must treat this man as respectfully and professionally as you would hope to be treated yourself if going for a job with an interviewer who finds you attractive.

Thanks for all the replies.

This is off topic but -

I know it's not the majority of posters but some people on this thread really make me despair. What goes on inside a person's head to call a person they have never seen ugly or say a man probably thinks they are ugly? What on earth would lead someone to assume that I've ever been called ugly?

And then somebody else telling me I've made a fool of myself on an anonymous forum and therefore is surprised I can run a business.

Back on topic -

I still feel conflicted which I guess isn't that strange as the replies here are also varied.

On one hand if I hire him, this could pass in a moment and I will look back on this thread and roar laughing in a few weeks.

The other end of the spectrum though is me hiring him and developing actual feelings after spending more time with him.

And yes it's extremely unlikely that would happen, even less likely that it would be reciprocated but not impossible.

My cousin ended up living with us last year for several months after her marriage broke down due to her having an affair with a colleague. She is consumed with regret. She said she never thought she could be capable of such a thing but it was like a madness came over her. She feels nothing for affair man now. I see her navigating her upended life now (her ex husband is a great person) and think what a shame it all is.

It would be a no from me. Being with someone means protecting what you have, and if this man has you this much in a spin it will do your relationship no good.

I don't think you should hire him, despite how good for the business he sounds. It would be like playing with fire and isn't worth the risk to your marriage as even if nothing is likely to actually happen, he would still probably consume your thoughts and affect your marriage. Not sure how you will explain not hiring him though - to him or your DH! Is your marriage strong enough that you could admit the reason or discuss first with your DH? Tough dilemma all round!

Affairs don’t just happen to people. It’s a choice.

Fucking hell. Imagine a man considering not hiring the best woman for the job because he fancied her and didn't trust himself to stay faithful to his wife.

Awful.

Hire him and cop yourself on.

I dunno I must be a cold person, I grew out of these mills and boons gooey eyed shit as a teenager, and this is utterly teenage. Your husband saw you were gooey eyed, you were going to text a mate to come meet the new hot team member, Christ it’s one step away from doodling his initials on your pencil case.

grow up op.

I can’t believe the responses to this, if the sexes were reversed there would be outrage. Just keep it in your pants and give the job to the person best qualified for it. Looks should not come into a recruitment process.

I think you should look for a different employee tbh.
Your Dh had already sensed something isn't right and is it really worth the hassle ?

Not great for the guy who has done nothing wrong, is it? Would you like to be passed over for a job because the hiring manager couldn’t control himself?