Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

If this was a mil and dh birthday and they were excluding op children you would get a very different response.

OP's children are also DH's, though? And therefore the biological grandchildren of MIL. So that's not an equivalent comparison.

OP's step kids aren't the grandchildren of OP's parents.

Because that would be wrong.
They are all they're bio Children

If in the hypothetical situation the OP had children and they were her DH SC and it wasn't the weekend to have them as they were with their Dad....then No. The answers would be the same.

Plenty of people have a dad and a dad's wife

Exactly this! And it doesn’t mean it’s not all perfectly cordial either. My dad’s wife is - my dad’s wife. And my DC, who call her by her name, would say she was “Grandad’s wife”. They like her. They’ve spent some time with the two of them. But they wouldn't see her as “their family” in the way you mean it. She might well have a birthday lunch and invite her kids and grandkids and not us. Which would be entirely fair enough. If my dad were hosting, he might invite us. Also fair enough. (And, unlike OP’s situation, we all
actually do know the woman!)

if these kids were living full time with the OP and she was deliberately arranging to have them out of the way so that she could go and celebrate her birthday without them, then you might have a point. But they don’t. Sounds like they have some sort of variant on an EOW arrangement, where some weeks they come and stay with their dad and his wife and their half siblings - and some weeks they are with their mum, doing things with her and presumably with her family. If their dad’s wife’s parents, whom they barely know, are arranging a birthday outing for their dad’s wife on a weekend that they’re not there and are with their mum, why on earth should that bother them? Presumably they will be doing other things of their choosing with their mother!

Yes it is, how about ‘aibu to insist that my children get to go to dh’s birthday dinner because mil has purposely booked an expensive restaurant on the days I don’t have my children. I feel this had been done on purpose, mil has never treated my children like grandchildren.

you would get very different responses.

You can't know that

Because I would say, they're not her GC. So she doesn't have to include them.

If in the hypothetical situation the OP had children and they were her DH SC and it wasn't the weekend to have them as they were with their Dad....then No. The answers would be the same.

The key point being that it's not the hypothetical OP's weekend to have the children. The OP of this thread has said it would be different if it was their weekend to have her DSCs and she would expect them to be included.

Just musing over this post OP and wondered if the ex wife had said to your DH that your DSC request that they wanted a birthday meal out together with both their mum and dad, your DH, would your DH also invite you as their step mum and his DC with you, their half sidlings and expect his ex to pay?

Most children don’t want a new parent and don’t expect to be parented by a step. What they want is to be included as family.

Which I'm sure they are. But why would they consider what dad's wife's does with her family as something they'd be concerned about? They don't even know her family. Again, I've been that stepchild. What my dad's wife did with her family never entered my head.

Not from me you wouldn’t.

Thanks for the Ted Talk.

If he wants his children included, he can put his freeloading hand in his freeloading pocket and pay for them.

I’ll say it again…it’s not about the money. He wants his family at a family celebration. It is uncomfortable for him not to have all his children there. If he offered to pay, OP still wouldn’t want them there.

Except there's many a post were the DH's family is called for everything because they aren't treating the OP's exsiting children as blood family. MILs particularly get a hard time because they won't treat them as GC. There was a wedding one recently. But there's a lot of projection on here and the posters children are the SC.

@Mealtime19283 how old were your SC when you got with your DH?

His kids have four grandparents already, they don’t need OP’s parents too.

I suspect it’s about money and disney dad phenomenon for him.

It is about the money for him. Can you not see that in OP’s posts? At no point has he offered to pay for his kids.

Yep, by their own family, not their step-mums parents who they barely spend any time with.

I’m sure you’re right. He just wants to rinse OP’s parents for a Coke and a bowl of pasta.

it has nothing to do with wanting his first born to be accepted in his new family.

‘First born’ is an interesting choice of phrase. Just shows you do think the first wife’s kids are more important.

And yes, if he didn’t want to take advantage of his in laws paying for the expensive restaurant, he would offer to pay but he isn’t.

You don’t get it and you’re not going to because you don’t want to see it.

I don’t think any of the kids are more important than the other(s). Have you read what I’ve written? I have been arguing for equality among the children. Nothing more nothing less.

whatever value judgement you put on my words is yours not mine.

How is it equal for OP’s step-kids to have treats and attention from 6 grandparents whilst OP’s own kids only get it from 4 grandparents?

Accept as what? They’re not the same as their own DGC.

He can't invite extra people to the meal. It's your parents invite. Especially as it's not his week. Their mum might have something else planned for them?
Tell him you and him and his kids can go for a meal at a place of their choice another time. I bet DH won't be suggesting the posh restaurant when it's him paying!