Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

No - your DP are paying, it's their choice who to invite. It they were having it in a weekend you have DSC it would feel a bit mean. However it's arranged away from your actual birthday on a weekend they aren't there. That's them saying "no thank you DSC" you should be honest and open with both DH and your parents, because the last thing you want is for DH to bring up in conversation and your DP actually would have been delighted they're there.....

It's rude to invite extra people and expect your dp to pay. Just inviting them is a bit rude imo.

Have a chat with your dh and explain that you're sure that dp want it to be you and your dc and that if they did come then dh will have to pay for them .

No one is failing to see your point - we just don’t agree with you.

You’re the one that doesn’t want to see anything beyond your own viewpoint, seeing as how you’ve ignored the posters that actually were stepchildren taking zero issue with this.

I don't invite my SS to my birthday meal. It's never crossed my mind. Enjoy your birthday meal as you'd like it OP.

It's interesting reading the strong view that they should be integrated into extended family - SSs mum is married multiple times and has divorce in her family too (adding to SGPs etc). So where does it end, when the families are endless? And where does it leave the previous SPs and their families?

The Op quite clearly says her DP's wanted to treat her and her children because her DP's don't feel they get to treat their DGC enough. They are happy to pay to have some quality time with them and their DD, if the DSC were included they'd have said so.

Well if they "Aren't close to the DSC" they must have forged a loving, close relationship with their own DGC at times when the DSC are not around?
Why is this any different?

I think your DH is totally out of order assuming to bring his own DC on this one.
It will change the dynamic for your DP's, however lovely the kids may be.

Let DH treat you all to something cheaper if he wants to include them in your birthday celebrations.

Mind blown. 🤯

He doesn’t see it that way. He want to make them equal. Perhaps OP needs to show him this thread so he can understand that his child won’t ever be accepted as a family member and he can get used to it.

We - speak for yourself.

Think there are some mixed messages here - the DSCs come every other weekend (2/14 days) and, I assume for additional weeks during the year for school/family holidays. During the rest of the time, both sets of children have activities/events/relationships with the extended family of their bio mothers. The lives of their extended family members cannot reasonably be put on hold to include each both sets of children all the time and coordinated so that things only happen on those 2 days and the odd weeks during the year?

If the birthday treat had been for OP’s DCs, then absolutely I (if I were in OP’s position) would have asked to include then DSC, just as you’d hope the DSCs mother would do if it was her DCs birthday. However, this is a birthday event/gift for the OP offered as a gift from her parents. It is about the OP’s parent’s relationship with their daughter. The DSCs do not need to be involved.

Also, re the ‘stepmother’ narrative. If the OP’s DH had 50-100% custody and she was in the role of proxy mother for most/all of the time, yes, you’d expect her to want them included. But she isn’t. There is a difference, I think between ‘SM’ and a ‘father’s new wife’, especially when they are only in the SM role 2/14 of the time. That’s not being an evil SM, but recognising that the relationship is - necessarily - not as close or as involved, as they already have a loving, present DM. The family is not truly blended, is it, as DSCs mother has no direct relationship with OP’s daughter, does she, and would not be badgered by OP’s DH to include OP’s children in her birthday?

The issue is that this event is not about HIS family, it’s about his DW/the OP’s family - and her parents.

Relax, I wasn’t speaking for you.

’Speak for yourself’ - So says the woman speaking for people she doesn’t know and has never interacted with, whilst simultaneously ignoring posters who were stepchildren in this exact position if their opinion doesn’t align with hers. ‘Shut up and accept my authority’ more like 😂

That’s a him problem then, isn’t it?

If he hasn’t realised up to now that his in laws have little relationship with his older children (which suggests it wasn’t that important to him to prioritise and foster that, you know, before he married and started a family with OP), then I doubt this thread will enlighten him, on account of him being thick as mince.

Sorry just to clarify they don't come EOW. They are here 3 nights a week, one week it's during the week and the next it's at the weekend.

One stepchild’s experience is different from another’s.

Putting myself in my now-adult stepdaughter's position, I think she'd say she'd have zero problem with this on my special birthday celebrations, but it would be different with her dad. And that's not to say we're not close (we are - she met me for a coffee and a chat on my birthday recently, just the two of us which was lovely) but just that she recognises that dynamics and arrangements change post-divorce. When it was her Dad's special occasions I always made sure I organised something she could be involved in, and if it wasn't our time to have her I'd speak to dh's ex to make a special arrangement.

You’re right…they wanted a different family set up so he probably should have married someone who accepted his child. They would have all been happier out of this charade.

Hilariously, nobody has clocked that I am a now-adult stepchild. She minded.

You minded not being asked to your stepmother’s birthday with her own mum and dad?

Main character syndrome. Life isn’t suspended when DSC are with their other parent.

@StormingNorman

I did, it showed many posts back.
But I also recognise you're entitled to your opinion

I also think it's pretty shitty to exclude them.

I wouldn’t be with a partner like this.

“One stepchild’s experience is different from another’s.”

“We - speak for yourself.”

Jesus Christ, pick a narrative and stick to it.

Also, it wasn’t difficult to clock considering you’ve been projecting all over the thread. My sympathy lies with your stepparent and their family.

I wasn't referring to your experience (sorry but I haven't rtft so hadn't even seen your replies). I was putting forward my own stepchild's equally valid perspective. I know her well enough to do this and have had very open and honest conversations with her about all the various dynamics.

You know nothing about my life to be able to diagnose me with anything. Fucking laughable TBH.

My stepmom thinks we have a good relationship too.