Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

I would say it's unfair to leave them out, they should be seen as valued family members, not seen as a burden HOWEVER life goes on when they're not around and you can't hold off with all plans to wait for their weekends.

You could always take them again in future for another birthday if you like the place, there will be other occasions and although it would be nice for them to join in, your parents have offered to take their daughter, son in law and grandchildren out for a meal on a day when the step children won't be there anyway sooo it's fair enough! You're just taking them up on their offer.

Then you are massively projecting your own bitter experience. I'm sorry you feel that way, but honestly, you are rather blinkered by your experience. Not everyone feels the way you do, I can assure you.

Which is it? Are all stepchildren different or do they all think like you?

Confused how you seem to think both are true...

I can't fault him for wanting all his kids to be included. However it's YOUR birthday meal.
If he wants his kids to come 2 things have to happen:

1. He clears it with their mum to see that they don't have other plans that weekend and sorts that side of things out.
2. He pays for them.

In which case, I can see why you and Dh are in murky area as they are very much a part of your lives. I would have a chat with DSCs mum and ask whether she feels they would be upset to miss out on this occasion (am assuming they may have done something else with you/DH/DCs around the date of your actual birthday, so may not care?) if she says they’d not be bothered at all and/or she had other plans that weekend which they are already looking forward to, then I’d crack on without them.

If not, you may have to have a chat with your Parents?

'uncomfortable' 😂😂😂
I've never met a man who couldn't bear to be separated from his children for the time it takes to eat a meal in a restaurant, and if I did, I'd think 'grade A weirdo'.

It’s nothing to do with what he wants. It’s the OP birthday with her parents and children, and he’s making life hard

3.- if OP wants them there.

Why would she do this?
IP had her own mind and her own wants she does not need to refer to another woman who's nothing to do with her or her own house regarding her birthday.

OP doesn't want them there.
If they have feelings about it it's easily explained.

You weren't here and my parents wanted to take me out

So what are you going to say to your DH @Mealtime19283 ? I would be mortified if my DH suggested this, knowing he wasn't paying, very entitled. Just tell him your parents picked this weekend specifically to spoil you and their grandchildren and they shouldn't be expected to pay for two extra people. If he kicks off stand firm! Tell him he doesn't have to come either if it makes him feel uncomfortable.
Don't let your parents down though, that would be abit shit. You are allowed to celebrate YOUR birthday how you want, you do know that don't you?

I think it’s perfectly fine, you don’t have to invite the step kids to everything you do when it’s not their time with them. Your parents are paying and no they shouldn’t be expected to pay for them too. If your DH is insistent on them coming then ask him to cover the cost

Why would she?

Because her DH has kicked off and made an issue of it. If he hadn’t, there would be a problem would there? She’d have happily gone for a meal with her parents/DCs - now he has buggered that up.

I hope other kids have a better experience than I did. There are some lovely sounding step parents on here, but there are a lot more who are very dismissive of their SC. Those ones are having a bigger impact on the children than they realise. Mildly resentful, competitive, disdainful etc step parents are a death by a thousand paper cuts. I worry for the kids living through this.

No, there isn't a problem.
He's a grown man.
Just tell him No.

I don’t think both are true. Step children have different experiences depending on the type of step parent they have. If they are a valued, included and equal member of the family then they have a good experience. If they are treated differently by the step parent and their extended step-family they will have an experience like mine.

it’s very hard to explain to a child why they aren’t loved as much their brothers and sisters.

No, you just can’t keep your narrative straight.

There have been posters here that had zero expectation of being treated ‘like their own’ by their stepparent/stepparent’s family, and zero issue with this. These are the people you believe yourself qualified to speak for, more so than even they are apparently, whilst telling others not to speak for anyone but themselves. You’re presenting your experience as not just the only valid one, but the only one. It isn’t.

It isn’t difficult to explain it at all - they’re siblings but they don’t have all the same family in common.

No it's not.

"Your not my child, you have a mum and dad who love you more than anything else in the world. I love my children more than anything in this world"

If they actually need telling that then their critical thinking is lacking.

Most SC I know didn't need it explained and understood family dynamics well.

I doubt that the stepchildren will give much thought to what happens in their other home when they are not there.

By your non-answer I’m guessing you think equality only works one way.

Yet I bet he’s not uncomfortable that his kids aren’t there when his kids with OP are having spag bol with their grandparents.

This is all about the money for him, if not, he would have offered to pay.

It's not the husbands dinner, it's his wife's.

Equality isn’t a one way street. That’s the literal definition of equality.

I don’t think it’s about the food they’re eating. I thinks it’s more that he wants his DC there to celebrate a ‘big birthday’ with the rest of the family.

but OP hasn’t come back to say whether her husband wants the children invited because they’re family or because he wants to get them a free meal. So we are all just guessing.

besides all money is family money in Mumsnet terms so the OP could offer to pay for them.

Posters saying the DSC should go but Dad should pay, the Op also said it's very expensive and they can't afford it themselves. Fine if Dad's willing to sacrifice his spending money but not fine if it will have to come out of the food budget, but it's irrelevant since he thinks his ILs should pay.

@StormingNorman this isn't about you or your issues from childhood. I'm sorry you felt unloved by your stepmother but the OPs thread isn't the place for you to work through your trauma.

The OPs mum and dad are taking her out for a birthday meal. They don't have a relationship with her stepchildren and her stepchildren are not due to be home anyway.

If her husband was taking his "new" family out and excluding the children I would 100% agree with you, but he's not. Even if the OP was not allowing her stepchildren to come home during their normal contact because of this meal then yes, I would also agree with you but this isn't happening.

You seem to be under the impression life should stop when the stepchildren go to their mums - would you not allow OP to take her children swimming/national trust/ to the park / to the aquarium without her stepchildren too?

Again, I'm sorry you are triggered by this thread but you are projecting an awful lot of your own trauma onto this situation and I don't think it is necessarily the same as what you went through.