Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

They’ll know they weren’t important enough to be included.

I don't think they need to be invited. Your parents have invited you for your birthday and your DH and your kids.

If I was DSC mum I'd be annoyed at things being booked in my weekend. DSC aren't there so no issue in my view. I'm sure they go out with their mum and other GPs when they are not with you DH.

Whats your point?

Its a birthday in a restaurant, her parents are paying and it's not the stepkids normal weekend, there is no exclusion.

Hyperbole much @StormingNorman

Don’t you think the onus is on step parents and their families to accept the children into their family in the same way as the new hubby becomes part of the family?

Princess Diana’s brother said it about their stepmother and father.

When Princes Diana can show me her degree in Child Psychology I'll call her an expert. She said many many weird things.

In RL, blended families rub along and no one is wicked or weak or excluding.

No - I think the onus is on the parent (the husband/son in law in this situation) to help develop the relationship as appropriate. And the analogy with Earl Spencer is flawed because his mother completely left the family unit; this was in the days when divorce was shameful and uncommon. Totally different thing from a modern blended family where stepkids will usually live most of the time with their own mother and see their own maternal grandparents. There isn’t a “one size fits all”. In this case, the DH’s kids have very little to do with the OP’s parents, so I’m sure neither sees the other as “family”.

Do you say that as the SP or the SC?

Whether there is a relationship with the mother and mother’s family has no impact on how the child feel about how accepted they are in their father’s family. The two are whole and separate.

Your displeasure is noted. Get over it.

Nope!

🤣🤣🤣 you can't be serious?!

No. HTH...

Whether there is a relationship with the mother and mother’s family has no impact on how the child feel about how accepted they are in their father’s family. The two are whole and separate.

But they’re unlikely to see these people as “their father’s family”. That will be their paternal grandparents, any siblings and cousins from their dad’s side - that sort of thing. They don’t often see the OP’s parents, so they’re far more likely just to think of them as just that - the parents if the OP.

Do you say that as the SP or the SC?

I have 4 GPs and 2 SGPs. I didn't expect my SGPs to treat me as their GC and nor did they. Do I feel horrified or excluded or damaged? No; they weren't related to me.

Why not?

Because they have their own grandparents, 2 sets of them. They don't need a 3rd.

Look it up 😂

Why?

You'd be the step children's grandmother so unless you're not going to welcome them into your family there won't be any need for your son's to have to avoid any woman with kids.

Your parents are hosting everyone present in your household that weekend. No issues here as DSC are at their mother's.

Because it’s not their weekend.

If their mum had a new partner then according to some here they'd end up with six sets if grand parents (ops parents, ops husbands, husbands ex's, husbands ex's new partner's, husbands ex's new partners ex and finally her new partner) then there'd be all the relatives.

Nope, tell your dp that this is gp's treat and he can arrange a meal out for you all next week when they sc are there.

As it is your birthday and your parents are paying for the meal then your DH does not get a say and as your SC are not supposed to be with you anyway he is just over complicating things. I would just leave things as they stand. YANBU

so by that rationale OP is as much of a parent to the DSC as their mum and dad?
So has equal say in any health decisions, which school they go to, etc?
I'm sure their mother would be completely thrilled with that and not think of it as overstepping at all.

DSC are rarely going to feel exactly the same as birth kids, just like a step mum isn't the same as a birth mum, and the children probably won't see half-siblings they see every other weekend the same as the full sibling they grew up with and live with. Doesn't mean there can't still be affection or love there, just that expecting the relationship to be exactly the same is asking to be disappointed. You can't force feelings.