To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

But it's NOT bloody "fine" to leave a woman with a 4 month old baby in a freezing park for 45 minutes!!

A wheelchair user can't get out of their chair. I know, my family member is a chair user and I completely understand the issues they face.

But someone with ADHD can set a fucking alarm. Or four. Like my friend. Who doesn't waste people's time.

The good reason is the ADHD.
Some people genuinely can't help it.

I don't think 45 minutes is too bad really.

If I arrange to meet a friend. We always sy "around a time".

So we will say that we will meet

"around 3 pm".

If someone gets delayed , we just text each other.

I'm assuming that doesn't happen every time you leave the house though @Sashamalia .

People who are constantly hours late like my friend really hurt my feelings.

Like all these saying the friend didn't mean it,have never waited for someone like this.
It's really soul destroying to be standing there all the time.
Plus they're not even truthful,they lie saying they've left,I'm on the bus.
When there's no such thing.

That’s great for you, I don’t arrange to meet ‘around’ a time with my friends. We set a time to meet and that’s that. 45 minutes is ‘too bad’ with a young baby and post partum pain.

I arranged to meet a long time friend more than an hour from home as they were visiting that city on a break. I had a baby of nine weeks, a just turned two year old and a four year old. She had kids of four and six. They were two hours late..

It's happened twice in the last two weeks, that a car has crashed on the tracks and stopped all trains.
I'm in ireland.

I visit England a lot.

Any time that I've gone to England, the train has always been delayed there too.

They're so unreliable.

The understanding goes both ways. I don't want to be left hanging around because my friend decided to do something else first. It's not hard to text someone and explain you're going to be late.

surely the time window means if you were meeting for eg an hour then her being late just takes time off that? She means if you cancelled then you were obviously only meeting her for limited time so she hadn’t made it within your time window. While it wasn’t great to be late sometimes people are late and plans change. I get it’s not easy with a four month old though but you do sound a bit like she’s always irritated you/ you always think you’re accommodating her so you’re just very different people

Perhaps in future the reasonable adjustment should be that the OP's friend texts her when she has already arrived wherever it is they are meeting, and then hangs around for as long as it takes the OP to get there.

Going to go out on a limb here and say that it’s probably nothing to do with not being mindful of you. I have ADHD. Three things:

1. Unless someone tells me that a specific time is a hard deadline I assume it’s a rough guide. ‘Meet at exactly 2pm at this specific bench’ vs ‘I could meet you at around 2pm in this park’. Unless it’s super specific and underlined, I don’t realise the expectation until too late.
2. I have zero concept of time. As a kid, I time trialled myself every morning to get out the door, trying to beat my time the day before. Only way to stay on track. I am 40 now and it kills me that even with medication, I still can’t get to my train on time unless I follow the list in the image I have attached exactly. I write it fresh every night before I go to bed because some things change (like maybe there’s washing to be folded or bins to throw out), otherwise I get ‘lost’. Notice how I even have to schedule a fucking toilet break on there. I have to go back to that list multiple times every morning to remind myself what's next, even if I’ve already read it. I’ve also timed the items so I know roughly how long each should take and can build in a 10-15min fuck up curve the night before in case my head wanders.
3. My inability to understand time means I usually don’t realise how long it has been between one event and the next. My mum texted me on Tuesday afternoon and asked if I was working. I texted back to say I’d just got on a train and would call her when I got home. I called her this afternoon (Friday). It was only when I went back in my messages that I realised it had been days, not hours. I love my mum. I feel beyond guilty - she will have waited for me to call and then written it off. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be continually treated with that lack of care. I care, I really, really care but I can’t seem to keep it all straight in my head. I have wall planners and lists and alarms and spreadsheets…and it’s still all on a toin coss. So it’s possible your friend genuinely has no concept of how long it has been since you gave birth. Issues with object permanence gives rise to an inability to keep track of things that aren’t right in front of people with ADHD.

My friends and family usually tell me a specific time and build in a buffer - they get there anywhere from 20 mins to an hour later than the time they’ve given. I’m so very, very grateful they do because I know the problem is me so I’m happy to chill and wait if I somehow do get there on time. I spend most of my time loathing myself for being unreliable and letting people down, even while I’m exhausted at the sheer effort I have to put in just to get out of the house, something other people seem to find effortless.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all - she should have built a better buffer in and sought clarity as to how much time she had with you guys and whether the arranged time was specific. Today was about you and your baby, not her and her condition. So you’re absolutely right to be pissed and it’s reasonable to question whether this flakiness is something that you want in your life. If you decide you’d rather not (because I recognise it’s just as exhausting for those around me to have to cater to it as it is for me to live with it), then that is absolutely fine. It’s a decision for you to make.

Because having ADHD doesn’t excuse her behaviour, it just means she should develop effective coping mechanisms, like I have, to mitigate the effects. But, it’s only in the last 7-10 years that I’ve really been able to make them work 80% or more of the time…if she’s younger, she may not have finessed them yet.

So, I’m not trying to say she should have a free pass or whatever - just trying to show the very human side behind a condition that must come across as just an excuse for shoddy, selfish, thoughtless behaviour to everyone else. Believe me when I say that no-one actually wants to have ADHD - most of us are VERY aware of the effects that it has on those around us and, even when we’re pretending that our actions aren't that bad to others, most of us aren't fooling ourselves. There’s a permanent voice in the back of our heads, telling us we're shit, we’re unreliable, we’re not good enough and never will be. Just ten minutes on any ADHD support forum will show you that it’s universal.

I’m sorry you got the raw end of the deal with your friend today and I know you will have many family and friends who are there for you in a sane and supportive way!

The suggestion is that maybe you could be a bit more flexible.

I know your time is more important to you, now that you have a baby.

But the harsh reality is that you having a baby, doesn't affect anyone else's life. She is going to act as she does anyway

Well I'm autistic and people being late makes me incredibly stressed and anxious to the point I can hardly cope.
Which disability wins?

Ffs she just needed to say sorry and not be so ignorant. It's not difficult to understand. Understanding and flexibility also work 2 ways. Disabilities don't make manners evaporate. And yes, speaking as a disabled person.

I was flexible. I had waited 15 minutes passed our agreed meeting time. For no good reason.

I'm in Ireland as well,that's just unfortunate for you, hopefully that's the last of it.

YANBU at all.
I've got ADHD and I would not dream of keeping a friend with a baby (or anyone, for that matter) waiting for that length of time.
I have zero clue what she means by a 'time window'.
I have to work really hard to mitigate against my propensity towards 'losing'/'missing time, so I'm actually normally the first one there at a meet up.
People not valuing/respecting my time (especially where it involves my DC) really fucks me off.

I've often waited up to 40 mins for a friend. 15 mins seems like nothing at all to me.

But I don't have a ɓaby.

A good idea then , so it doesn't happen again, is if you arrange to meet her.

. Let her get there first. Text her and ask where she is.

Wait till she's there. Then go and meet her.

That way she can't do it to you again

I don't understand why the OP's having a baby isn't a good reason for her friend to accommodate her but her friend having ADHD is a good reason for the OP to accommodate her friend.

Can you explain?

Just to say OP @Ivorymoon I am loving the way you are clearly and calmly rebutting some of the more outlandish and ridiculous excuses on this thread. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your reasonable position.

Lateness is so rude, but when you're late for someone with a baby who is waiting outdoors then that's even worse! An outing with a baby who will then be closer to needing a change, a feed, a proper nap etc. YANBU.

No when i said to the op to be more flexible

I wasn't talking about the other person having adhd.

I did refer to it before. But I wasn't making a point about it this time.

I said to the op that if i meet a friend we always say that we will meet "around" a time as people always get delayed for some reason or other.

That's why it is good to be flexible when meeting anyone.

Presumably you messaged her to let her know what was going on and apologise?

Anyone find their late friend doesn't like you being late.
I was supposed to meet my friend in town,baby had a bad night,fell asleep and woke up quite late
Supposed to meet friend anyway I rang her told her I'd be about an hour.
So she could go home if she wants.
Meet her and the abuse I got was unreal.
So I told her no you know what it fucking feels like to be left waiting.
Still happened the next time.

So next time she was late,I gave her 30 minutes and then I went home without telling her.

@Ivorymoon One of my DDs who is currently living with me has a 4-month-old baby. Not a snowball's chance in hell she would wait 45 minutes to meet a friend in a park. 15-20 minutes maybe, at a push, but not more than that.