AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

5pm is early for evening guests (in my experience anyway).
Normally weddings nowadays have a small evening food like pizza or bacon sandwiches.

We asked for money towards our honeymoon as a wedding gift- we wouldn’t have been able to afford a holiday otherwise- it was booked after the wedding.
however many people chose to give us gifts instead which was absolutely fine, we were given gorgeous champagne glasses and photo frames that are all being used .
Dont overthink it.

Not always. Unfortunately I went to one and they had those little bowls of tiny snacks like pretzels. Pay bar, nothing else. Some of us cut it short and went out for a kebab!

Oh yeah not all, but I would say that’s unusual!

Once I'm there I want to stay for the whole thing. But it's probably rude to be seen eating my own snacks? Hopefully there's some sort of late night food just not mentioned on the invitation/website

I honestly never knew this 'only invited to the evening do is offensive' was a thing until a friend was moaning about this recently. I'm happy to go to a day or evening do as long as I'm free & it's not too far, weddings are expensive! Also asking for money towards a honeymoon is a brilliant idea, lot's of couples already live together & have everything they need for their home.

Debretts isn't quite what it was.

OP, this isn't something I would attend either. Evening invitations don't have the same punch when it comes to declining them. Just RSVP. I wouldn't go either.

I think honeymoon contributions started appearing 20-30 years ago. It’s certainly not new. And super common, every wedding I’ve been to has asked for this, although most graciously said no presents necessary. I much prefer it, I’m busy I don’t want to have to shop and wrap something and I hate waste and the chance of giving something someone likes is probably low. Seperate issue, you feel hard done by with poor evening invite only do. Just don’t go! I also quite like an evening only do as I think this is best bit. But I wouldn’t travel for one or buy an outfit I wouldn’t wear otherwise

I'm sorry but have I've just read you've sent our invites for your own wedding? I do not believe for one second that someone in their mid 20's, who's had/planning their own wedding doesn't know about honeymoon cash or wedding registries.

It isn't offensive to most normal people.

You mentioned gnawing your own arm off as you won't be eating for a few hours, how utterly bizarre you can't go without food for a few hours. Defo some sort of eating issues or possibly just greed, or just another mundane excuse to moan about how this wedding is going to differ from your feast laden day

Not offended by it at all. We are not close friends so I wouldn't expect an invitation to the whole wedding. Obviously it's up to me whether I make the trip and I'm sure no one will mind either way. I just didn't realise it was the norm to explicitly ask for gifts/money, especially from guests you are not feeding, although it sounds like I might've wrongly assumed that part.

It’s just so they don’t get lots of random presents they don’t want / need when they’ve just forked out lots on a wedding. No offence, but your gift, whilst thoughtful, would probably fall into this category (if everyone did this they would just have a tonne of random stuff). Just stick £20 in a card.

They should have some sort of evening food on for everyone though, it’s just part of the deal. And I do object to making people dress according to a theme. Attending a wedding and finding suitable outfits is enough of a hassle and costs a fortune already.

Of course I know these things exist, I just didn't realise it was normal to put the details on the invitation. It seems greedy to me

Not sure why you’re actually bothering to go? It’s not as if they’re a close friend - you don’t mention that you like them (in fact give the opposite impression).

Just decline and spend your money on something you want to do, with someone you want to spend time with. You’re not obliged to accept, you know.

Found the teeny tiny...

Lol at the idea that as gift you've just bought in bulk to give out to any Tom, Dick and Harry regardless of who they are or what their tastes are is in the "thoughtful actual gift category".

Oh I would so much rather the gift expectation was explained on the invite. Otherwise, what do I do? Do you want something? I wouldn't want to be rude by not giving you anything. But what do you want?! I don't want to double up on something.
If you don't want gifts then please say something like - "We have everything we need, so please don't bring us anything other than yourselves!" Or, if you do actually want something then you can make that clear. But PLEASE say something on the invite!

Yes, God forbid I buy my friends a good quality, useful item from a small business. Outrageous!

Just to add to this, I do understand your discomfort at asking for gifts, I’m the same - but it really is quite normal to direct guests a bit otherwise your guests won’t know what to do. It’s so different to a birthday party, or any other party/gathering really. Most guests will want/expect to give a gift at a wedding and it can be really hard to know what to do if there isn’t some sort of steer from the married couple. Having been to many weddings I prefer to know what the couple actually want.

Hope there’s an evening buffet - I expect there will be!

And I think it's selfish and pretentious to expect your guests to spend extra time guessing what you want or wondering if you secretly mean cash or you secretly mean nothing when you could just be helpful and give them a guide.

She’s allowed to ask, doesn’t mean you have to give it. Do people really care about this stuff anyways?

most unusual not to have an evening buffet ? at say 9pm for the evening guests and the day time guests that are going to be hungry having had their wedding breakfast meal at something like 3.30pm or even earlier !!!

you can give any gift you like, yes some people are asking for money towards their honeymoon but it is the choice of the giver to decide what they wish to give as a gift if indeed they choose to give a gift !

Unfortunately your friends are likely not to like your £100 handmade gift and would have preferred £20 on their honeymoon registry.

Is this the first wedding you have been to?

Putting the details of your gift registry in the invite has been normal for decades. As has not having a list of household items but asking for donations for the honeymoon. Nobody turns up to a wedding clutching an actual gift.

But you didn't buy it for your friend you bought for basically anyone. You didn't go "oh, John and Paul are getting married, better go out and select them something that they'll love!" you went "oh, John and Paul are getting married, I'll just grab them a gift off the pile I bought in bulk."

Not that it matters really, the point is it's no more or less an ask or financial outlay than contributing to their honeymoon.