AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

My DS and his partner are getting married next year and because they live midway between both families and almost everyone needs to travel to be there, it's an all day event for all guests.
They don't need anything gift wise having lived together for four years and don't want to ask for money, so they're just going to invite people and see what happens. It's extremely unlikely that guests would come empty handed anyway so they almost certainly will end up with cash gifts without having asked for them.
I've read on here that guests should give what it's cost the couple to have them attend which feels ridiculous to me and very transactional. Not in the spirit of celebration at all!

Friend got married recently having lived together for years and already had all the household stuff they need.

I put some Euros in a card as I knew they were going abroad with a note wishing them a good honeymoon and I hoped they could use it for a meal or a trip or something.

I thought it was much better giving them cash to use on an enjoyable experience than a random household item to sit in a cupboard or discreetly go to the charity shop.

It’s normal to give a wedding gift, in the same way it’s normal to give people gifts on their birthdays or when they have a baby. Do you only give gifts in these scenarios if the recipients are spending money on you in return?

So you didn't buy a gift specifically for this friends wedding like you lead us to believe in your OP. Just chuck £20 in a card and go and have a good time. But you don't sound much like you like the bride either way so not sure why you'd waste your time and money going.

Every wedding I've been to in the last 10+ years has asked for cash gifts. Including my own. We lived together for 6 years before getting married and didn't want to end up with a load of tat we didn't need. It's really not uncommon. I'm surprised you've not experienced it yet.

The bride's the kind of friend who I'd meet for lunch or a drink when we're both in our home town, maybe a couple of times a year. She's not invited to my small wedding and I'm sure that if she was having a small wedding, I wouln't be invited either. I'm not offended by the evening invite, I think an evening invite it fine for friends you're not particularly close to, and they can decide if they're bothered to travel. I'm just a bit surprised by the request for a gift. But it sounds like that is the norm.

It has never been rude and indeed it is actually etiquette to include gift registry details in a wedding invitation to avoid 6 toasters and 3 airfryers. Nowadays most people request money towards a honeymoon or big ticket item because they already have a house together.

Also I echo it would be more unusual to mention what food is available for evening guests than not too.

Also the "tent" you mention is most likely a marquee. It seems to me you don't really like your friend. Maybe you should rsvp no

Don't buy anything new to wear and certainly don't contribute to their honeymoon!
Such CFs. I swear some people run a cheapo evening do to get more dosh/gifts.

I clearly said in my post that I'd never been to a wedding before, registry or not. So how would I have experienced it?

I disagree. I think mentioning gifts on any invitation is bad manners. I've invited people to my wedding because I want to celebrate with them, not because I want them to buy me an air fryer!
And a marquee is, by definition, a large tent.

I don't have a problem with evening invites or with money gifts (easier for me!).

However I do like to know if there will be food at an evening event or not. Especially if it starts at 5.30! I don't mind if there is or not, I just want to know, so I know whether to have tea before I go. So I would try and find this out if it were me :)

I’m fine with that. But if weddings have come up as a topic with friends I’ve been very open about my views so I doubt they’d expect anything different from me. By the same token if I invite people to celebrate with me, whether for my wedding, birthday, housewarming or whatever else, I genuinely don’t want or expect any gifts or money (and I were to get married I’d make this explicitly clear that I don’t want anything and people really shouldn’t feel obliged to do anything other than turn up). So the way I approach weddings is the way I’d want/expect people to behave towards me. I think that’s fair enough - I’d be more annoyed if people ignored my wishes and tried to give me gifts and money regardless.

YABU but perhaps this is just not normal in your social circle. It's very common for people to ask for cash/honeymoon/charity donations instead of gifts. This is mostly because these days people already live together so they don't need the traditional gifts and have money to buy the things they specifically want for their homes.
If you are invited to an evening wedding you shouldn't be expecting a full meal. This will take place before the evening guests arrive. Usually there will be some snacks or buffet offered in the evening but not always so be mindful of this when going.

You can disagree all you want it it still remains the fact that it has always been wedding etiquette.

The dismissal of her marquee as a tent is an example of you basically trying to slag her off. Seriously do her a favour and don't go. All you have done is make snide comments about her and her wedding choices which are different to yours.

It is fine if you don't want wedding gifts from your guests but most guests do like to buy their friends and family a gift to celebrate their wedding. The etiquette of saying what you would like to receive saves multiple repeats and helps the guests chose appropriate gifts. It still doesn't make it rude to follow this etiquette because you believe it to be the case. And nowadays monetary gifts are also normal.

I have now been to a few evening dos with no food. Never fun and I have left early to get sone food on way home.

So I'd be disinclined to travel far for one unless some added benefit (like seeing old friends or my parents being day guests)

You can disagree all you want it it still remains the fact that it has always been wedding etiquette.
Indeed. And not mentioning anything about gifts on the invitations just makes you a pain in the arse. Does it mean you don't want anything? Does it mean you want whatever people get you? Does it mean you want cash? Don't make it an extra chore for your guests to figure out. Just give them some guidance and be helpful.

It isn't a request or a demand for gifts, it's a helpful set of ideas if your guests want to get you something (which they will).

Do you have problems with food? Distorted eating?

I'd be no longer available, provided you have not already paid for hotel etc - sounds like one person dropping out to a fairly ungenerous evening event won't affect their costs that much, and it sounds like you are understandably resenting the cost of it all.

No one is obliged to give any gift at all for a wedding. I would totally understand if someone didn't because of financial circumstances and I wouldn't want that to stop them attending. Give the gift you've already bought.

Also, I agree it's a bit rude to not provide a buffet in the evening and the married couple will probably regret that cost saving measure when they get lots of grumbles (and generally this will be from the day guests who have been there for 10 hours and have had tiny portions of food at the wedding breakfast and are now starving 😀). I've only attended one evening thing where there was no food and everyone left very early in search of food.

In short YANBU to ignore the registry as you ask in your title but YABU to object to its existence in principle when for many of us it's a godsend.

@TedMullins well as long as you're fine with being the tight one there's no issue.

Seems odd to mention cake and drinks on the invitation but nothing about food? Unless it's because it's starting quite early at 5:30, that things kick off with the cake and drinks, then later on there's a buffet or something? I'm in my 40's and haven't ever been to an evening reception without food, even if it was just a small one with sandwiches and sausage rolls type things

I think it used to be seen as rude to ask for money or contributions to honeymoons, but these days seems quite normal. If it was me op I'd keep the £100 handmade item for someone you're closer to, it seems excessive for an evening invite gift unless you're v well off! I'd just put £30 in a card or if there's a way to transfer it on this wedding website you don't have to worry about the card getting put down and lost, money falling out etc,, but I tend to worry about thing like that whereas dh says I'm overthinking!

I don't think it even is wedding etiquette, from what I've read elsewhere. I agree that having a registry makes sense as something to point people towards if they say they'd like to buy you a gift. But mentioning gifts on the invitation implies that you expect them which (even though, realistically, you do) is tacky.

But I don't think we're going to agree on this. And I'm not here to argue over the definition of a tent!

Again - just because YOU don't think it is etiquette doesn't make it so 🤣🤣🤣

Perhaps look it up in Debretts.

I think if you're so resentful of going to this reception, and the amount of money it's cost you, you just shouldn't go. You wouldn't complain about buying a new dress for a night out that you'd planned, would you? Also, you don't HAVE to give them money/a gift. I usually just take a card when I'm an evening guest.

What a rude and bizarre question!

I think it's very normal to want to eat a meal at some point between 5-11pm.