AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

I pointed out the dishonesty of your posts and made fun of your failed attempts to appear cosmopolitan.

You insulted everyone's intelligence by expecting them not to notice you changing the meaning of words and frantically backpedalling, and you insulted anyone who had a cash bar wedding. And you insulted the whole of Britain too.

And you're about to deny it again...

do none of you work?

@brocollilover Not sure of your point here?

I don't need to. I made my fortune years ago teaching people who think wedding bar etiquette is akin to slavery and can't spell "broccoli".

Do you?

😂

i do. just made myself a coffee and having my mumsnet break. love it!

yes that was bad!! 😆 😳

534 posts in the last…. month!! @NonPlayerCharacter

surely there’s a point that you reach when you just think “there’s more to life”!!

Yes best i bow out now and hide thread

crack on…..

The third complete and total creep of the thread! How many keyboards must now be rendered completely unusable by having their keys stuck together?

The weird thing is, they never approach me in real life. Sadface!

This is really creepy behaviour.

You're not "obliging them to pay for their drinks".

In nearly all cases, there is a welcome drink, wine with a meal/canapes and champagne for speeches.

It's later on that the paid bar (not "cash bar", many are card only now) is available, for people who want more or something different. They don't have to buy drinks, they can drink soft drinks or water and there's often wine left over into the evening. So, not "obliged" at all.

I expect the sunny warm evening scoffing pasta in Nonna's yard didn't have a HUGE variety of drinks.

Having said that, my sister's wedding was BYOB, in fact, it was bring your own food too (people all brought sharing dishes). You'd have fainted in shock I expect. Mind you, I didn't buy an outfit nor pay to stay anywhere, I wore jeans and stayed at her house.

I rarely drink, so am normally the driver.

I 100% prefer a cash bar as in free bars the non alcoholic drinks are nearly always overlooked and I end up with sweet fizzy cans or water. Or squash.

Actually, it costs quite a bit to hire a field. And then you need to get toilets, generators for power, seating, tables...

Yep.

Hiring a field is cheap.

Transforming that field into somewhere you can hold a wedding reception will cost you an arm and a fucking leg.

It will almost certainly cost you more than just hiring a venue which already has a roof, walls, plumbing and electricity in the first place.

It doesn’t actually, I’ve done it. You can hire fields with electricity and toilets.

https://www.borrowmygarden.co.uk/ts_listings/the-white-dog-inn/

Land hire including Toilet hire and use of fridges- £500.00 per day

Well. That's not hiring a field. And I can assure you there is no where under £1500 for a field with toilets within an hour's drive of me! I've rung them all.

Of course it’s hiring a field. Fields can be anywhere from £500-£5000 depending on size, facilities, add ons, length of hire (some do 3 days min).

Anyway, enough of this toxic twaddle.

Are you still doing this?

You can't have a wedding in just a field though, can you?

So let's say you hire the cheapest field you can find, for £500, which includes your toilets and electricity. And then you hire a marquee to go in the field, which, last time I checked, would be around £3-5k. Let's say it costs you £3k, because you clearly drive a hard bargain.

Your wedding in a field has already cost you £3,500 and all you've got so far is a floor, a ceiling, plumbing and electricity. And God help you and your guests if it's freezing cold, wet or windy on the big day.

Once you've added in the cost of food and drink for all your guests and a wedding dress for the bride, which I would say are the absolute bare minimum things you need for this event to resemble a wedding, (so, no DJ, no band, you're creating your own playlist and hooking your phone up to speakers which were either included in your field/marquee hire or have been borrowed from a helpful friend, no flowers, no favours, no car hire etc.) you are already looking at quite a normal budget for a wedding.

Unless you do what a PP did and get all your guests to bring a bottle of something to drink and a potluck dish for the buffet, in which case you might be clever and get the whole thing under £5000.

Let's get real here. Nobody is magically freeing up extra money for drinks by getting married in a field. Nobody.

The idea that you can be clever and escape all the financial pitfalls of the wedding industry by hiring a field is an utter fantasy.

The only true way to escape all the financial pitfalls of the wedding industry is to quietly get married at the registry office on a Tuesday lunchtime and not tell anyone. In which case the question of whether you have a paid bar or not becomes somewhat redundant.

Possibly not though - I went to an evening reception assuming there would be a buffet of some kind, but there was just cake. The evening guests all left before 10pm in a group as we wanted to get to McDonalds. Later the bride said she didn't think it would be necessary as everyone would still be full from the wedding breakfast, but they didn't consider the evening guests

I remember the days when people got married for love not for a big fuck off party and to receive holiday money. Geez. I don’t know what to advise, I’m old..obviously but if you do go I double dare you to stick a fiver in the card 😂 kidding. Just go and eat all the cake and have a catch up with your other mates! People take the piss.

By that measure, people used to get married for a new toaster and knife set 🤷‍♀️

I remember the days when people got married for love

Not quite as timeless or universal a concept as you may think. Marriage for security and advancement was and has been the norm in many cultures for a very long time. Love was a nice benefit but by no means essential.

not for a big fuck off party

Nothing wrong with a big fuck off party if you can afford it and that's your thing. Completely possible to exist alongside a love match. Why would you think it wasn't?

and to receive holiday money.

How old are you that you remember a time when it wasn't normal to give a wedding gift of something that the couple would find useful or beneficial?

Yup. My hairdresser was talking about this recently - they were going to hire a barn and get food trucks, but by the time they added plates, cutlery, glasses, toilets etc etc etc it was cheaper (and a thousand times easier) to go to the swanky 4 star hotel down the road.