AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

OP I agree that mentioning gifts on an invite is tacky, unless you’re saying ‘no gifts / donate to charity’. But I do think most people know nowadays to just give cash anyway and not turn up with a toaster.

Yes. Like I said, I haven't been to a wedding before. I'll save the gift and send them some cash!

Do people have a website for their weddings nowadays???

Yes. If you're not from a culture where people automatically know to give cash, it's a faff saver.

Honestly for evening invites I tend to just give a decent bottle. I'm not sure I'd travel and get accommodation for an evening only invite though - that would mean additional expenses like cats and dogs in kennels not least a number of other difficulties.

You don't like her, you feel resentful about it and you're offended by standard modern wedding etiquette. Just don't go.

I wouldn't waste money even going.

I don't have any pets/children to sort out but I don't think I'd go if I did, or if I only knew the bride. I think it's a fairly big wedding so probably won't get to see much of her during the evening

I think it's quite popular now. You can RSVP through the website and it has information like the schedule and about how to get there and where to stay. Saves putting loads of information on the invitation, I guess.

I first saw it 15 years ago and many times since then. It's useful, no need to keep a dog eared invitation on the fridge for months for the details, and you can check if you've bought the gift, RSVP easily and so on.

Bride and groom used not to put details of gifts on invitations when parents arranged weddings because people attending asked the parents where the registry list was. This practice stopped for most people decades ago.
In some areas all the gifts we're gathered and shown in advance of the wedding, usually to the women friends in an afternoon gathering.
This is also a habit that has died.
Traditions over weddings change over time and currently asking for honeymoon donations is really normal.

Evening invitation is normal

No buffet or other food is not

Glad that habit died!

I’ve not said anything about food! Also if you read further on I’ve commented again about having a buffet for evening reception. It’s just not regularly mentioned on an evening invite.

We had a registry because lots of guests asked us to.

However, we had no evening guests.ive never understood that as a concept. Like i like you enough to want you to pad out numbers on the dance floor but not to have you for the ceremony & wedding breakfast? Wtf.

I think its very entitled to expect people to travel & stay in a hotel to only be an evening guest & not be offered a meal.

Agree with this.

ive only ignored a registry once, that was when I was younger and up my own ass I decided I didn’t approve of them. I’m a bit older and can see why people do them. Saying that, the registry I ignored the couple loved my gift, it was very unique and culturally significant and very them.

im not sure how I’d feel about an evening invite with no food, I think it would depend on my relationship with the couple.

I really don’t get why anyone ties themselves in knots over this. If the invite didn’t mention gifts, it wouldn’t even cross my mind - I’d just assume they don’t want anything.

Keep a twenty in your purse. If there is food, bung it in a card after you’ve eaten.

YANBU my sister is getting married this year and she included tacky cards like that with her wedding invites she’s not getting a penny off me I’m spending enough on paying for a hotel room for 2 nights I’m buying her a gift which is more than my DH and I got off her when we got married.

You are being unreasonable to frame the options that way.

You can go and be happy with the gift you've already given, and not give more cash. You can not go. You can stick a tenner in a card and go, or not go. You can give them £5k if you want. Or not.

It's only upsetting you to think this is somehow "tacky".

I've got two weddings this year and am hoping hard that they ask for money (I don't even care what they use it for) to save me the hassle of either following the gift list or thinking of something myself. I already gave one couple a £200 voucher for a restaurant as their engagement gift, that's how little thinking I can be arsed to do.

Yes contributing to the honeymoon is a standard wedding gift now as traditionally wedding gifts were to help the couple set up their first house together but so many people have already done this before getting married these days. However, in your situation being invited to evening only where you have to pay for drinks and don’t get a meal, whilst having to obey a dress code just for their photos - yanbu to feel resentful. Unless it’s a close friend (probably not based on evening invite) I’d decline to go altogether and save yourself the costs.

its normal
go and enjoy the party

That's really nasty. How rude!

No, I don't believe you. I don't believe you have never encountered the concept of wedding presents and wouldn't think of it when you got an invitation to one. Cobblers.

Ooh, I remember going to a "showing of the gifts" with my mum, as a child.