AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

Just ignore it. I’ve never given a gift or money for a wedding and I never will because I resent being asked - it should be the guests’ decision whether they want to give anything. If the people getting married want to celebrate with their friends then what matters most is that people turn up, not how much they can rinse out of their guests. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with OP looking forward to seeing other friends at the wedding either, surely that makes it a more fun prospect than one where she doesn’t know anyone

Just give your gift and go off and have fun.
You have spent time having it made. You have the outfit etc. I have never been to an evening reception that there wasn't some dort of buffet.

If you get hungry order an uber tests or the like and eat it at the party!

It does seem to start rather early.
What dot of venue is it?

I personally don't like just being asked to give money especially on the online register. I do it if on the invite.
I prefer a register that doesn't ask for money.

I went to a wedding recently and they asked for a donation to one of three charities close to their hearts. ( a local charity to where they live, a mental health charity and doctors without borders)
They were in their 30s and had lived together for 7 years.
I was so impressed with the idea I gave more than I would have otherwise.

I will ask my friend who's in the wedding party about the food. I don't want to make the bride feel awkward if there isn't any. There's just no mention of anything more than cake on the invitation or the website, which does seem odd.

The gift was something that I bought several of to give as wedding gifts. So nothing personalised, just a small, useful locally made item which we get a lot of use out of in our house. It does seem like overkill now so I'll put some money in the honeymoon fund and save the gift for someone else.

I would say 90% weddings I have been to in the last decade have had a honeymoon fund rather than a gift registry.

The gift was something that I bought several of to give as wedding gifts.

How thoughtful….

Go, don’t go OP. You clearly don’t like the bride very much.

You weren’t in the wedding party so seriously how close can you be? Just don’t go.

I don’t think I mentioned whether there was food or not on the evening invitations, I assumed people knew that there would be! It wasn’t on the template I used 😂 we just invited them to the ‘evening reception starting at x time’

So I wouldn’t assume there’ll be no food, I’d have assumed the other way to be honest.

Themed outfits, however…

And yes, honeymoon fund completely normal.

It's normal to ask for cash for the honeymoon and far better to give them that than an unwanted item that won't be used.
I wouldn't be impressed at only being fed cake at an evening reception though, that's tight as fuck.

That's how I feel about the gift thing.

And yes, I'm looking forward to seeing several old friends at the wedding, including the bride. But realistically I don't think the bride and groom get to spend much time with individual guests at a large(ish) wedding.

There will be food, just not a sit down meal. There will surely be a buffet for evening guests as standard. Although I'd never ask for money I think its tacky, I would never have your reaction to it as of course I would totally be gifting the couple if I was attending their wedding. So it makes absolutely no odds whether my figure is spent on a gift or in their pot.

Why did you buy a gift before you even received an invitation?

That's reassuring! I'll be gnawing my own arm off otherwise

It is normal these days to ask for honeymoon/money contributions rather than gifts, as most people already have all household items. However, a few nice and thoughtful actual gifts are nice to receive and it would be fine for you to gift this instead of a money contribution, you wouldn’t need to give both. And yes, a gift to just an evening invite would be smaller than if attending the whole day.
but you can of course decline altogether and give nothing.

Cash bar, normal.

Evening invitation, normal.

Polite request for cash gifts, normal but hard to get right imo. They want to avoid getting loads of stuff.

You're in your mid twenties and about to spend the next ten years going to a lot of weddings. Time to wrap your head around it.

Obviously if you go you need to bring a gift, it would be very rude not to. Up to you whether you give the gift you've already chosen or return it and give cash.

Now you'll know for next time not to buy a gift that far in advance - IME most people these days prefer cash as we all have enough stuff, and it's easier for the guests to arrange too.

It’s perfectly normal to ask for a honeymoon contribution as a gift.

If you’re paying for travel because they’re getting married far from where they live, then it’s a little unreasonable, but by the sounds of it, you live in a different city.

They won’t have different invitations for locals and non-locals. I am sure your friend will understand you can’t afford a gift as well as travel and accommodation.

Yes agree with the others, there'll be a buffet of party food most likely. Maybe have a large late lunch and then you'll be fine.

They are cheapskates not providing a buffet for the evening do. Contributions to honeymoon are normal though.

I love present instructions like this because I'm shit at choosing otherwise and I see it purely as saving me some hassle rather than demanding.

But if you've already chosen something that's fine too and I'm sure they'll be delighted.

A theme that requires specific outfits though can fuck right off

I'd be giving the couple a gift anyway, I was just a bit baffled as I was always told it's rude to ask for gifts.

We'd had a "save the date" for this wedding and my partner had just bought us a really nice locally made household item which we get daily use out of, so I bought several more to give as wedding gifts as we had several weddings coming up.

Really? Gift registers for weddings have been around for decades.

It's also fine to ignore a list and just give the thing you've already bought (which I'm intrigued about and want to know what it is). You don't need to overthink it.

If i was writing an evening invitation it wouldn't occur to me to mention food as I'd take it as a given.
If it's starting so early when are you supposed to eat otherwise. Daytime guests will have had a meal part way through the afternoon so surely they'll be hungry at some point

I genuinely think that what I've bought falls in the "thoughtful actual gift category" but does now feel a bit excessive. It cost ~£100 so probably an unnecessary amount to have spent for an evening invite!

People tend to send save the dates to both their day and evening guests. I didn’t put anything about food on my evening reception invites but most weddings I’ve been to there has been a buffet at night time, including my wedding. The buffet can be anything between little bites, sandwiches or a selection of hot foods- it really depends on what the bride and groom ask/ pay for. I’d suggest eating something not before you go because the buffet might not be out until 9pm or so.

Oooh bitchy 😆 honestly what kind of kick do you get from being mean to someone online? I'm guessing you don't have much agency in your own life or some such

£100 is definitely too much to spend on an evening invite. However, they’re your friends and you know what they like. I am not a fan of gifts for the sake of gifts and would rather not receive anything than receive something I have no want or use for, but I understand I may be in the minority as a lot of people enjoy buying token gifts.