AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

The wedding's in a tent in a field so I'm not sure Ubereats is an option! Hopefully there'll be some sort of evening buffet as others have suggested

Fair enough about the save the date. Yeah £100 is a lot to spend for an evening guest at an old school friends wedding. But yeah asking for money is pretty standard, although I'd never do it it wouldn't bother me that someone else does.

We did this for our wedding, only because we already lived together and really didn't want lots of 'stuff' we wouldn't use or might not like.

However, there was no expectation for anyone to do anything, and we did have guests (particularly evening) who did just send a card, it wasn't an issue at all. I invited them because I wanted to celebrate with them not because we wanted their money or gifts

you bought something handmade for £100 for an evening do that you openly admit you’re attending to catch up with old friends?

bollox you did 😆

Asking for cash is very common, but I also think it comes across as quite "common" too. That's just my personal taste & the way I was brought up.
I 100% understand the thinking behind it, just I've always felt it a bit tacky. Would give cash though if asked for, regardless of personal feeling.
If I were to marry & not need household stuff, I'd probably just put

"As X and I have been living together for a while now, we are fortunate to have everything we need. Your presence on our special day is enough"

I think in this case, most people would still give cash, but you're not asking for it. Just my 2 cents!!

Normally on evening invites it doesn't mention about food, but every wedding I've been too has evening food of some kind. We had pizza, a friend of ours had paella. It varies. But it won't be a sit down meal.

Cash bars are normal in the UK. Day guest get a sit down meal and usually a drink on arrival and a bottle of wine on the tables. Evening guest it's buffet food. The invites wouldn't necessary state about evening food but it comes as standard.

No one ever says about food on an evening invite though. So Op is making an assumption

You can't go to a wedding and not give some sort of gift.

Maybe I've jumped to conclusions about the food. The wedding website is quite detailed and my friend who's invited to the ceremony says it has details of the food for the daytime bit, whereas the evening bits just mention cake and drinks. But hopefully this is normal, like people have said.
I'm very new to the whole wedding thing, as you can probably tell!

I never understand what posters have against contributing money rather than a gift
It's not like most newly weds need house hold, items these days
Go or don't go but if you ro go just pop £20 in a card .

why, do the gift police appear and throw you in jail? You can, and I do.

I think that's bad form turning up at a wedding and not gifting something. And I think most people would agree.

thats their prerogative. I think it’s bad form to ask for gifts or money 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you are happy to ignore usual social conventions and politeness @TedMullins that’s your prerogative. But you’re the odd one here and may well have a reputation in your circles for being mean and miserable!

None of this sounds out of the ordinary to me. I’ve never been told on an evening invite what the food offer will be but there’s always been a buffet when I’ve got there. Cash gifts are normal as most people live together before they get married and have everything they need. An open bar is really rare, the only people I know who had them are super wealthy and they’d see a cash bar as an embarrassment.

All the fuss about what guests get out of a wedding and how it should be gives me the ick a bit, there’s no normal way to do it because it’s personal to the couple and limited by their budget. It’s an invite to celebrate someone’s special day and it’s normally extended with the best of intentions.

I was told growing up that it's rude to ask people for gifts, even if you're throwing a party. But equally that it's rude to show up empty handed. So you're damned if you do, damned if you don't I guess

It’s 100% up to the B&G how they want to conduct their wedding and 100% up to you to decide how you want to respond to their invite. I don’t think they would judge at all if you didn’t contribute to the honeymoon. I was late 30s when I got married and we had no need for the usual household guff. I put on invites if people wanted to provide a gift to contribute to our HM, the operative word being ‘IF’. No expectation. I can’t imagine many B&G have a set expectation for all guests to cough up money.

My views on weddings and gifts are certainly no secret in my circle. I’d rather be thought of as mean and stick to my beliefs than follow social conventions I think are bollocks.

Yes but weddings are different. It’s totally normal to have a gift list and these days the honeymoon contribution in lieu of a physical gift is also normal.

We didn't want presents and we definitely didn't want a load of household items but a lot of people asked us and genuinely wanted to give us something. So we ended up saying either put money towards our honeymoon, or donate to a charity. People did about half and half. It was lovely.

I totally agree it's tacky to ask for money, however imagine turning up at weddings with nothing! That's embarrassing and you will be known in your circles for being someone who is tight.

Absolutely no way would I be paying for travel and hotel for an evening invite only.

Evening invitations only really work for people who are down the road, in my view. eg colleagues if you're getting married locally. If it involves travel and hotel etc, it's a definite no for me.

I have realised over the years that attending weddings of people you don't really care about is awful. As you don't have the affection for them to soften all the annoying elements. And equally they wouldn't want someone there who's internally rolling their eyes and finding it a bit crap (as eg I was during a buttock-clenchingly awful group dance tribute to Ayia Napa, where the bride and groom met, at one I attended. If I were actually proper friends with them, I'd probably have found it funny / something other than hideous). Which is why I'd only attend if you genuinely care about them; not just the mates you can catch up with. The fact that you're an evening invitation probably gives you the answer to that though.

On the food, There probably will be a buffet although as a long time aficionado of wedding threads on here, I'd say it's by no means a certainty.

People seem to treat wedding gifts as a form of payment for the standard of experience they’ll receive. Lavish wedding = more expensive gift.

In my mind it’s a gesture to the couple as a congratulations and unconnected to what you get in return.