To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

YABU

We take phones off the kids after a sleepover with 12/13yos when two "responsible" girls stayed up till 2am taking photos and arsing around on their phones. I had no idea it was going on. Lesson learned!

If anyone is homesick/wakes in the night and wants their parent I'll happily give them the phone to make contact.

Make it less about a judgement of you, and more about her protection of her son.

If you feel judged, maybe look into why.

Would you feel judged if she didn't allow eg fizzy drinks or loads of sweets and only provided healthy snacks?

Or if she wouldn't allow 15+ video games (that other parents may allow)?

I know my child and she is very resilient and is developing coping skills just fine thank you. She may feel ok approaching them depending on the day and situation. I’m proud of how she has handled the last 4 years, they have been challenging for her but she’s doing brilliantly

Because you’re not sitting on the floor amongst the 13 year olds at 3am, are you?

I don't generally worry if dc on sleepovers but always say if at any point they want to speak to me or to come home to tell the parent and there's no problem.

I would be worried if I thought there was unrestricted phone access for others tbh. Apparently many teens now set their alarms to go on their phones which I think is depressing.

There is a lot of naivety on this thread

So a nervous/ sick child who wants to go home in the wee small hours has to get up and find his or her way to the table in the hall to make the call? Perhaps in the dark? Perhaps there's a dog they have to walk past?

Aka what any child on any sleepover ever before circa 1999 had to do?

And we wonder why there's a youth anxiety epidemic...

Anyone who genuinely thinks the other mum was wrong not to want a phone in her kid’s room overnight is fucking insane being very unreasonable. We all managed at sleepovers in the 70s/80s/90s and frankly if you don’t think your child is safe without a phone overnight with a particular family, why the hell would you let them stay there in the first place?!

She shouldn’t have taken your son’s personal property, if she physically took custody of the phone. That’s vastly overstepping.

She would have been within her rights to say that the phone needed to be left downstairs, or switched off. But you don’t get to take other people’s stuff. That’s fairly basic.

It sounds like some of your kids have awful friends and don’t trust your own children

is this the approach you take with the school when they confiscate your kids phone? Are you that parent? 😬

Actually my 13 year old needs his phone switched on and near him at all times including overnight.

You would talk to the sleep over parent about this first though wouldn't you, if it's a need?

School presumably has a policy that you sign up to when you send your kids there.

But no, I wouldn’t be happy with school taking a phone away if it was in a bag not being used.

Do you think the parents are sleeping in the same room as the children having a sleepover?

We have a strict no phones in bedrooms rule, if a child is so attached to their mobile that they can’t be more than a few metres away from it while asleep, or they’re too nervous for sleepovers without constant access to their parents, then they’re probably not ready for sleepovers yet. We’ve had several sleepovers, our son has also been on a few, no one has ever moaned about the phone rule, and quite a few of the other parents have had the same rule.

Allowing a camera with internet access into a bedroom with children really isn’t a good idea.

When my son went to a sleepover the mum said she would be taking all tech off them at 10pm, would that be ok. My response was 'your circus, your monkeys'

I'd be furious if she did that without running it by me. One of the few advantages of teens having phones is that they can contact their parents if they are in an uncomfortable situation. She took away his ability to contact you without letting you know. I wouldn't let him go again.

Absolutely!!
Jeez who are all these teens who cannot cope with staying at someone else’s house unless they have a smartphone glued to their hand all night? Do they never go on school trips? How will they cope? My ds is 15, on a school skiing trip recently they all had to hand their phones in every night.

And no phones in bedroom’s overnight is our house rule too, and yes it applies to anyone.

This is such a non issue. So what if the rules are different in their house? Honestly, no wonder our kids lack resistance if we baby them at every step. If this was one of my kids I'd say 'oh well, at least you know their rules now'. If the friend is a good one, they'll see it as a trade off.

How can they need that? I'm genuinely interested.

Her house, her rules.
only reason to need access to phone overnight was an emergency and they were in a house with adults.

I know it’s a slightly different situation but my son is starting primary and their school has banned phones completely. Like you I’m worried about the safety aspect as they go out of the school premises almost daily I have not given permission for him to leave the school premises but if I did I would want him to have a phone with him at all times.

Then he could do what children did before mobile phones came along, ask the mum to ring his mum. Or ask for the phone for that specific purpose. The sky is not going to fall in because a 13 year old on a sleepover doesn't have a phone, what have we come to?

You want a 4 year old to have a mobile phone?