To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

I wouldn't dream of taking a child's phone if they stayed over. Completely out of order.

But…this is ridiculous!! A child has an asthma attack and no one can waken the responsible adults??

Shouldn’t have been at a sleepover.

Really, you don't worry about what they're looking at?

I think you're being unreasonable. I would be pleased that the other child's parents didn't allow phones in the bedroom at night.

Or who's contacting them?

It’s not 1980s. World isn’t like that anymore.

I don't think she is unreasonable having a different opinion about phones to you, and its not that she judged you, she just adhered to her own rules in her house. I honestly wouldn't give it another thought.

What if the other child was having a massive asthma attack, would your child phone you to let you know and be too shy to get help from the parents??

Honestly, there are so many threads about teenage mental health and resilience levels plummeting and now I can see why. Who are these kids and teenagers who can't go and speak to adults, who can't give their folks a quick ring and say "my phone's going away for the night. Having a nice time. Night!", who can't be flexible enough to cope with different rules in different houses?

Having said that, I bet the vast majority of your kids would be absolutely fine and it's the parents who just can't cope with someone else setting boundaries that involve their children. Which is actually pretty controlling in itself.

It wasn't your house.

Are there any school rules you don't agree with ? What would happen there?

I think lots of children would struggle with that. Especially if they are worried about being rude.

I spent a night in a freezing house, couldn't eat the dinner, was terrified of the dog and a horrible older sister was a bully. I still remember being so scared and miserable more than 30 years later. It will not be happening to my child.

Your rules in her house? Oooookay....😳

What 13 year old lad would need to phone his mummy because he missed her, especially when he is at his mates house, he would never live it down.

It would have been better if the other parent had let you know her house rules beforehand so you and your DS could have factored that into the decision about whether or not he would go.

My DC1 is 19 now but until the end of Y11, the sleepover rule here was that phones had to be out of the bedroom overnight (we usually said at midnight). The friends that stayed over knew this in advance, as did their parents. Phones weren't confiscated or handed in; the friends chose to charge them on the landing outside DC1's bedroom or in the empty bedroom next door to DC1's room. Any friend who needed to contact their parent had less than 1m from the bedroom to their phone. It was a way to create a space in which they could all relax and sleep without worrying they'd be unwillingly photographed in their pyjamas or when asleep. DC1's friends understood the house rule wasn't about preventing access to their phones but just not having them in the bedroom. They still stayed over regularly.

I completely stand by the this rule*. If parents or teens aren't happy about it for their child, they can host sleepovers instead.

*if a friend had an insulin pump that was controlled by phone, that's a bit different. I'd probably ask the parent to disable the camera and apps not needed for the pump though.

I think this is a better solution than just confiscating the phone. Then if needed the child could get phone in night and text/call parent if needs be

She's not judging you, she has her own house rules and if your son is staying there he has to abide by them. It sounds like you took this as some sort of criticism of you or your son which is an overreaction imo.

Or perhaps we could raise children not to bully, how’s about that?

It’s not 1980s. World isn’t like that anymore.

Most people didn't have a mobile phone in the 1980's , most children didn't have one in the 1990's either, I didn't get my little ( non smart ) Nokia until 1999 and no child at my son's primary school had one at that time. The first real smartphone didn't come onto the market until 2006.

God I feel old !

I have taken phones off kids at sleep over.
However for text parents to say I've now taken the phones for the night. So they not trying to contact them.

I would be livid! I text my daughter when she's on a sleepover (and often it can be after 10/11pm) she's a similar age. If she didn't reply around 10pm I would be thinking something had happened.

Equally, if something happened in the night (severe illness, period, accident, an incident within their family, fire etc etc etc) I would want her to be able to contact me asap for help- not for it to be in a cupboard somewhere!!

That is true.

However she doesn't allow her 14 year old to go anywhere alone? That is also neglect in a way how is she expecting him to cope when he's an adult?

Fuck me what are you raising

Well if he wasn’t going to use it anyway, what’s the problem? If he wanted to contact you, I’m sure she’d have let him. Btw my DP thought he’d locked his 9yo sons iPad down so he wasn’t able to access adult sites on the internet - not so, despite him spending ages trying to do it so don’t assume your methods are foolproof.

People used to be stuck in shitty situations.

Not the point of the response at all but ok.