We're not allowed to mind about anything, are we?

[peakyblenders]

At least not in the minds of some MNers lately.

I know some posters have always accused others of 'drama' or 'making a song and dance' whenever they've dared to mind about something, but am I alone in thinking there's been an especially bumper crop of this lately?

To avoid TAAT-ing I'm going to make this fairly general, but as far as I've spotted around MN this last few weeks women are not allowed to:

• want special days marked/celebrated;
• vent about a frustrating relative;
• gently encourage our kids out of unhelpful behaviours;
• get upset if our friends treat us like shit;
• mind if our male partners stuff act thoughtlessly ('at least he made an effort OP!')
• call anyone out on behaving like an arse;
• cry about ANYTHING unless it's something like a bereavement;
• expect people to do the things they've said they'll do/mind if they don't do them.

Basically, we're not allowed to mind about anything are we? We've got to be 100% low-maintenance all the way or else we're drama llamas. Or maybe it's our hormones! A novel thought indeed.

All I can say is, if those who are doing this consider themselves supportive of women in general, they've got a bloody funny way of showing it. Either that or they're just bored/in a bad mood and fancy a bit of a goad.

Wouldn't be remotely surprised if this attracted a ton of YABUs and 'why are you on here if it's so awful'? Don't care if that happens. I come here for the constructive stuff, and constant accusations of drama on the part of other women ain't it. Freedom of speech is so important and yes of course I can just scroll past stuff I don't agree with, but name-calling to me just feels like playground behaviour and tbh I don't get why so many people stoop to it.

Rant over.

[SeulementUneFois]

Absolutely agree with you OP.
And the additional "aahh just do xyz for A..." i.e. put yourself out 'to be kind '.
Enraging sometimes.

[QueenOfHiraeth]

If everyone was posting that I'd agree with you but, last time I looked, this was a site that allows discussion of different viewpoints.
I might think a grievance is reasonable where you might think it is over-dramatic and needy. I think it is good to discuss other views rather than blanket agreement (within reason)

[TheaBrandt]

Agree also the never being allowed to “judge”. Sometimes bad behaviour does deserve to be flipping well “judged”

[HummingbirdChandelier]

Agreed @peakyblenders . I’ve really noticed this recently

[peakyblenders]

@QueenOfHiraeth

If everyone was posting that I'd agree with you but, last time I looked, this was a site that allows discussion of different viewpoints.
I might think a grievance is reasonable where you might think it is over-dramatic and needy. I think it is good to discuss other views rather than blanket agreement (within reason)

Agree blanket agreement isn't helpful. I'm all for constructive dissent, it just seems as though some posters would rather name-call than add anything of value.

[Foxblue]

The wanting special days marked/celebrated one REALLY winds me up, you get posters going 'I've never celebrated it, it's social media thinking you need to do big things'
Completely ignoring the fact that things like birthdays and wedding anniversaries have been celebrated world over in various forms and levels of excitement for thousands of year... just because you or noone you know celebrates doesn't mean people are stupid or abnormal for wanting to!
I think what always strikes me about these posts, is that people sometimes are essentially going 'yeah, even though you've communicated clearly to your partner that it's important to you, and all you want is a £2 card to feel recognised and it would make you so happy, and he has £2 and walks past a card shop every day, the fact he knows it would make you happy and doesn't do it means you are unreasonable, maybe he shows his love in other ways'
If you are okay being with someone who doesn't jump at the chance to do something to put a smile on your face, then that's your perogative, but isn't showing love about the other person? If I hated frogs and my partner bought me a pet frog every year because they love them, that would be a dick move and most would agree, but the ways people twist themselves to justify men not putting in 5 minutes of effort for someone they supposedly love is wild on here.

[peakyblenders]

The wanting special days marked/celebrated one REALLY winds me up, you get posters going 'I've never celebrated it, it's social media thinking you need to do big things'

I don't believe them tbh. Most adults have always celebrated their own birthdays in some way and had loved ones celebrate with them.

[EmilyTjP]

MN really isn’t supportive of women at all. They hate men and women. Every thread is turning nasty. I wonder what these people are like in real life, they can’t be happy if they choose to sit online slagging off other people all day.

[EmilyTjP]

I love the posters who act faux naive “I’ve never seen anyone post a pregnancy announcement before, is this a thing?” When everyone knows this is a common thing to do.

[iLovee]

@EmilyTjP

I love the posters who act faux naive “I’ve never seen anyone post a pregnancy announcement before, is this a thing?” When everyone knows this is a common thing to do.

Oh yes this drives me mad! Or the posters who say things like "I'm not sure why you are upset your mum wont be at your wedding. I only had 1 stranger at mine, it cost £1 and it was the best day of my life" such a weird take

[Thorts]

There are just some really genuinely nasty and bitter people on here. It’s not everyone but there are some people who really think they are better than. Some days I wonder why I am on here because it seems there’s sadly more bad than good lurking atm!

[EG94]

Fully agree. People are so judgemental and rude. I came here for support / opinions and not feeling so alone as a step parent. Fuck me it’s the total opposite. On the step parenting threads especially, there is no debate or people being open to putting themselves in others shoes ( most talk on topics they don’t know about ) just a bashing forum.

[ARichtGoodDram]

I don’t actually think most of the people having a pop at the OPs often even think the bollocks they spout - they just like the opportunity to have a pop at someone online.

I think you could post anything on here and no matter how reasonable it was at least a couple of people will disagree and a good number will vote that you’re BU.

[ARichtGoodDram]

There’s also a massive amount of sock puppeting going on. Either that or a few of the nastiest posters happened to go to the same school and repeatedly make the exact same spelling and grammar mistakes.

[Glenthebattleostrich]

The birthday pnes drive me nuts. The posters going oh are you a child demanding you get some form of acknowledgement on your birthday?

My response is I absolutely fucking love me so damned right I want to be celebrated on my birthday (my actual birthday not some random date which is more convenient to others). Just like I celebrate people who are important to me on their birthdays.

[WrenNatsworthy]

I've only just started posting a lot on here again recently, as I've been bed bound and bored.

I think AIBU has always been a bit like that, but the other boards didn't tend to be.
I've had two occasions where I looked past posts of 2 posters that have disagreed with me on threads in very strange ways , seeming to get very angry and make all sorts of assumptions about my character based on a few lines, and on looking them up have only had their usernames for a day. I wondered if it might be the same person!

I was wondering if there are now a number of people who are just on here because they get their enjoyment from putting others down? Folk who perhaps name change daily so they can't be avoided on threads?

I've not been upset by it, more bemused. I think it's always been a bit bonkers in the school holidays as well.

[Laiste]

I think it does depend where you post though. AIBU is a bear pit and known more for delivering a kick up the arse than sympathy. If you want genuine support there are boards on MN which a FULL of the most lovely posters :)

I've voted YANBU though OP.

I've had my arse handed to me a couple of times here (here being AIBU because it's my spiritual home) for being a bit upset about something trivial and now i'm too scared to ever do it again 😂

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

YANBU I have noticed this

[Mycatmyworld]

With you all the way OP

[EmilyTjP]

What really winds me up the most though is continuous threads attacking women if they choose to wear make up / have surgery / take an interest in fashion or their appearance etc.
Why do they care what other women choose to do. I wouldn’t care if someone chose not to wear make up / not to celebrate their birthday / not to buy a new handbag. But they seem to be so outspoken with their views in putting women down who make different choices to them.

[AutumnCrow]

Yeah, there's a pattern emerging on a number of boards.

Because of available technology and the growth of the site it's now easier than ever for 'bad faith actors' to get away with agenda-laden socking, AI use, misrepresentation and disguising the fact that they're paid posters.

[ThreeTreeHill]

There are definitely some nasty, bitter people who enjoy putting others down, it's the only way they can feel good about themselves. But I always think it says more about them than actually being a valid opinion

AIBU used to be a bit of a straight talking, tell you like it is but its definitely now just be as much of a dick as possible

In relationships threads even if someone has been a bit of an idiot they still need support. It used to be "why are you with this wanker", now its more "why are you so pathetic" or "if your going to be such a lover what do you expect" which is just horrible not a kick up the arse

[easylikeasundaymorn]

agree OP. And you can add to the list 'make decisions about our own health choices' (see the current long thread where so many women are aghast and disgusted that other women can CHOOSE to have a caesarean if they prefer, without it being medically necessary).

Although there was a funny post recently whereby someone castigated the OP for having the temerity to post about a comparatively trivial topic when there were people dying in Gaza, she should have some perspective, etc., and several posters dived into advance search to quote that poster's most recent thread (something to do with a designer handbag IIRC!) and throw the same thing back at them.

[pickledandpuzzled]

I think some posters are attempting to be devil’s advocate, reframe it in a more positive way, or even to give resilience tools.

While there’s a place for tea and sympathy, there’s also a place for suggesting that this is out of your hands, you’ll be happier recognising the family member is never going to step up on your birthday so you’d better make your own plans.

[AutumnCrow]

See also:

'I mean this with kindness, OP, but you seem like massive failure with daddy issues and there's a puddle of shit where your soul lies. Gently, have you ever been told this before? I would imagine it's not news to you.'

Really deliberately damaging. And it'll be all the OP thinks about, while positive posts fly over her frazzled head. I think posters who pull this shit more than once on Relationships, for example, should be ban-hammered, rather than just deleted.