We're not allowed to mind about anything, are we?

[peakyblenders]

At least not in the minds of some MNers lately.

I know some posters have always accused others of 'drama' or 'making a song and dance' whenever they've dared to mind about something, but am I alone in thinking there's been an especially bumper crop of this lately?

To avoid TAAT-ing I'm going to make this fairly general, but as far as I've spotted around MN this last few weeks women are not allowed to:

• want special days marked/celebrated;
• vent about a frustrating relative;
• gently encourage our kids out of unhelpful behaviours;
• get upset if our friends treat us like shit;
• mind if our male partners stuff act thoughtlessly ('at least he made an effort OP!')
• call anyone out on behaving like an arse;
• cry about ANYTHING unless it's something like a bereavement;
• expect people to do the things they've said they'll do/mind if they don't do them.

Basically, we're not allowed to mind about anything are we? We've got to be 100% low-maintenance all the way or else we're drama llamas. Or maybe it's our hormones! A novel thought indeed.

All I can say is, if those who are doing this consider themselves supportive of women in general, they've got a bloody funny way of showing it. Either that or they're just bored/in a bad mood and fancy a bit of a goad.

Wouldn't be remotely surprised if this attracted a ton of YABUs and 'why are you on here if it's so awful'? Don't care if that happens. I come here for the constructive stuff, and constant accusations of drama on the part of other women ain't it. Freedom of speech is so important and yes of course I can just scroll past stuff I don't agree with, but name-calling to me just feels like playground behaviour and tbh I don't get why so many people stoop to it.

Rant over.

DH ate my popcorn the other day. He didn’t know I’d bought it just for me and it was in the snack cupboard, but that’s beside the point. I was still fuming!

The best way to avoid nastiness is to stay out of AIBU and the Royal Family.

and in fairness, it's not as if all men sit around only having intellectual debates about philosophy and world affairs....they talk some utter shite too. It might not be handbags but will be something equally inane.

The "I've never seen this so it can't possibly happen".

There was, a couple of years ago now, a post about period poverty and the number of posters who replied with something along the lines of "well mines just a trickle which doesn't even require a panty liner so what's the problem" was appalling.

There's one going on now. Woman wants to discuss her local services.

'Well why did you choose to live there? I chose to live in Paradise-by-Thames. It's on you for making appalling life decisions. Expand your locus. Earn more.'

Er, maybe the woman posting was born there and is part of the many rural key industries like agriculture or fisheries?

Once had to listen a convo about the pros and cons of different tatties between two teuchters...rivetting stuff... teuchter is a rural person..Ne Scotland.

You haven't lived till you've heard herring fishermen on heart valves.

There are a lot of nasty for the sake of being nasty posters but also a lot of sanctimonious ones too. The ones, for example, whose husband's best friend is a woman. She sends him texts on a regular basis, he sends her flowers on her birthday and offers a shoulder to cry on whenever she needs it. Any other woman who finds this situation vaguely off or unsettling is a paranoid, out of touch freak.

Of course, there are things we are supposed to mind about MASSIVELY! Being offered vegetarian food. Being asked to take in a neighbour's parcel. Somebody popping in on the way past. Your MIL wanting a hold of the baby. A phone call after 6 n the evening......

tbf, the earthquake probably helped

It’s the equivalent of people making a chicken last 2 weeks for a family of 6. Or the MN ‘massive salad’. Basically a race to the bottom to appear as ‘cool’ as possible.

In the real world, most people would get at least irked by all the things you’ve listed, if not really bloody cross about them.

MN is a) a fishbowl and b) not a representative cross-section of society.

It’s definitely got worse, I agree. I believe there’s a contingent of people who do this deliberately, for reactions or a “laugh”, and I reckon it got worse when people started to put MN posts on Twitter and suchlike to mock them.
There’s no way some people believe some of the awful stuff they post or think they’re helping the OP.

I was called all sorts of names for saying that I pay for what I've eaten at restaurants with friends and don't split the bill, simply as I don't drink and don't tend to order as much.

I'm surprised by how many doormats there appears to be. God forbid you allow yourself to not be uncomfortable.

'It's only 3 days, I'd suck it up'
'Could you just ignore them and stick it out it's only 2 nights'

Agree with pp about the accusations of 'drip feeding' from posters who don't read beyond the opening post, or maybe the first two posts from the OP if these are posted close together.

Yeah, updates and additional info are 'drip feeding', riiiight ...

And the wanky posters then blame the app for not reading all the OP's posts.

There's a discernible a pattern - all weirdly critical of OPs and MN itself.

See I think it’s the other way round a lot of the time, endless hyperbole/LTB/NC over relatively minor things

Someone has just posted asking for help with a child that won't eat at a table. There are lots of helpful replies but she's only seeming to see the mean ones that are obviously just there to patronise and have a go at her.

I feel like we need a group of empathic sorts to flood each genuinely worried OP with proper support!

It's the deliberate taking things out of context, twisting what was actually said, selecting one sentence and using it out of context that gets me.

Feels like some posters just want a 'gotcha' moment.

Probably by the same people who think it’s acceptable to buy couples’ rounds when there are singles in the group.

The best thing to do when posters are nasty is to ignore ! I don’t retaliate lol 😂
that’s the best way of dealing with it I reckon !
I scroll right on past …….
im not getting in aggro with a faceless nobody behind a screen 📺

It has crossed my mind that some of the vipers aren't genuine posters.

Its possible to explain to someone that they are overreacting in a reasonable way, some of the replies are just downright nasty, unnecessarily so.

Mumsnet was often referred to as a good insight into the concerns of women, there are various agencies who would like to undermine that.

People are allowed to be all of those things.

Other people's opinions don't prevent anyone from feeling anything on your list.

The fine art of not giving a shit is key here.

If something matters to someone then it matters to them. Who gives a fuck if it doesn't matter to other posters?

Agreed. But there seems to be a deeply group think feeling around here as if the more people agree with your approach, the more right and justified you are.
Which ain't necessarily so. Things that were common sense parenting thirty years ago, for example, would get you drummed out of the MN Brownies now.

Honestly until I started posting on mumsnet I had no idea that there were people who did this - and yes it annoys me too

it’s the picking apart of tiny insignificant details whilst ignoring the huge presenting issue that does my head in

OP “my DH has been out for the last 36 hours, I haven’t heard a thing from him & he’s locked us in. Kids & I are running out of food & semi skimmed milk. Would I be unreasonable to smash a window so I can clamber out and buy food?”

”you’re giving your kids dairy OP? Don’t you know how bad that is?”

”I agree. Everyone knows cows milk is the worst thing for children”

”yes surely what you should be getting is oat milk”

Maybe I've just reached my fuckit years but honestly I don't give a shit if people don't think I'm doing stuff right or agree with how I feel and I highly recommend it.

I know it's easy to say and not always easy to do but it's good to remind yourself you could get into a massive row with someone on here and walk past them in the street an hour later and neither of you would have a clue.

You can post your contribution, click off a thread and never think of it or the poster you were debating with again. Even just hide the thread if you can't be arsed seeing it coming up on threads I'm watching.

This isn't meant to suggest it's ok to be a twat because it's not (even though at times I can be and when I am I'm told I am which is fair enough), it's to say that other people only have the power to upset you that you give them and why would anyone choose to give strangers the power to upset them?

When you get to a point where you truly feel that you don't have to care what strangers think, it is hugely liberating.