We're not allowed to mind about anything, are we?

[peakyblenders]

At least not in the minds of some MNers lately.

I know some posters have always accused others of 'drama' or 'making a song and dance' whenever they've dared to mind about something, but am I alone in thinking there's been an especially bumper crop of this lately?

To avoid TAAT-ing I'm going to make this fairly general, but as far as I've spotted around MN this last few weeks women are not allowed to:

• want special days marked/celebrated;
• vent about a frustrating relative;
• gently encourage our kids out of unhelpful behaviours;
• get upset if our friends treat us like shit;
• mind if our male partners stuff act thoughtlessly ('at least he made an effort OP!')
• call anyone out on behaving like an arse;
• cry about ANYTHING unless it's something like a bereavement;
• expect people to do the things they've said they'll do/mind if they don't do them.

Basically, we're not allowed to mind about anything are we? We've got to be 100% low-maintenance all the way or else we're drama llamas. Or maybe it's our hormones! A novel thought indeed.

All I can say is, if those who are doing this consider themselves supportive of women in general, they've got a bloody funny way of showing it. Either that or they're just bored/in a bad mood and fancy a bit of a goad.

Wouldn't be remotely surprised if this attracted a ton of YABUs and 'why are you on here if it's so awful'? Don't care if that happens. I come here for the constructive stuff, and constant accusations of drama on the part of other women ain't it. Freedom of speech is so important and yes of course I can just scroll past stuff I don't agree with, but name-calling to me just feels like playground behaviour and tbh I don't get why so many people stoop to it.

Rant over.

And it's not just AIBU , a woman was so so rude to me on someone else's post the other day in the doghouse section !

People need to seriously have a word with themselves if they get off on being so nasty to ppl they have never met !

There's a way to talk to ppl and if they talk to them in real life the way they do on here , I hope they get it back at them .

I did all that whilst hosting a dinner party for 43 1/2 people and simultaneously shearing 154 sheep, and I didn't even notice I'd given birth to 15 lb quads! I can't understand why anyone would ever even acknowledge these boring, everyday occurrences!

I agree. I cannot stand the urging to 'be kind' to some fuckwit who is behaving in a horrible way to me.

Same for being terrified of being thought mean. So what if someone who doesn't matter to you thinks you're mean? SO. WHAT.

Don't be a pushover! And especially for people who would never give you the same in return.

Same for being terrified of being thought mean. So what if someone who doesn't matter to you thinks you're mean? SO. WHAT.

Exactly.

I can’t believe your mother would be so selfish as to not want to pay for your DSC to go to Disney World Florida for her 60th birthday. DSC became her family when you got married. It doesn’t matter that they also go on holidays with their mother and their own grandparents. If you did not want your mother to have to spend fortunes taking your partner’s children on holiday, you should have chosen a man who did not have children. Frankly, I find your mother’s attitude quite bizarre.

I hate all the be kind bollocks.

When someone treats you badly you do not need to "be kind". You do not need to accept being treated poorly and you do not need to put your own wants and needs at the bottom of the pile.

I hate the be kind stuff too. Why is it that it's always the person being treated poorly that must #bekind. It's never the person treating others like crap and stomping over other people's boundaries without a care for their feelings who should be kind.

It's actually gross to tell someone being treated badly that they are the one fully responsible for being kind whilst the person who is actually the one being unkind is free to carry on being a dickhead.

There is value in having the self discipline and self awareness to avoid conflict unless it is absolutely necessary. It’s a trait I respect and admire in people and I try to live that way myself.

People who kick off about small things annoy me, and I avoid them. I have had to cut people like that out of my life in the past.

there is a line between “I’m important and I’m not taking any shit” and “I’m going to make a big deal of small things regardless of how it impacts others, including people who have done nothing wrong.

I think it’s the kind of person who doesn’t have an inner monologue or who can’t picture a red apple in their mind who are the ones who don’t have that power of judgement. They are a hazard to normal people who want a peaceful life.

You just need to look at the thread about not wanting to visit dying MIL to see the kind of dregs of humanity on here. Most ignoring the fact her own parent is at the end of life. Some people are just so bloody miserable with their own lot they allow their bitterness to seep into every part of their life including here.

Yet nearly everyone agrees that the step father's family should count the OP's exsiting children exactly like the blood related children. There was a thread on nasty things that have been said and many was that their MIL showed that she was happy when she got access to just her blood GC without the SC. They were called for everything, even when all the blood Cousins were girls under six and the SC was a tween boy. Everyone sides that the step family should have them as bridesmaids etc or no-one goes to the wedding. It's a matter of opinion.

Oh wholly agree there are some absolute bitter weirdos here atm. Especially around the special days thing, posting smugly about how their wedding/mother's day/birthday was spent prostrating themselves before the altar alone and then only being allowed to eat leftover cardboard like normal people.

Love it 😂

The stepparent hate from some posters is just plain vile and in some cases beyond anything reasonable.

OP: Ever since we moved from next door to DSS into the next street, he's been beating up DD and shitting on the walls and he kicks me in the shins when I tell him to stop. DH's ex keeps turning up unannounced and walking into my house without permission and I think she's stealing my jewellery. AIBU?

Assorted MNers: YABVU. You knew he had children when you married him OP, what did you expect? You don't get to tell him to stop doing anything, you're not his mother. He's clearly suffering displacement anxiety from his dad moving so far away, what sort of deadbeat dad moves a whole street away from his son? I hope you've given him at least a floor of bedrooms to himself, your DD can bunk in with you or sleep on the sofa. Why did you have more children when you're clearly not capable of loving your DSS as your own? You don't seem to like him very much, frankly I'd be shitting on the walls too if I was him. Poor boy. What was your DD doing to provoke him when he beat her up? And you really need to get over your jealousy of your husband's ex, surely a bit of missing jewellery is a small price to pay for your DSS enjoying a harmonious co-parenting relationship. Grow up and give her a key. Were you the OW? Quite frankly OP it would be better for all concerned if you did the right thing and left.

OK, wilfully/massively exaggerating there of course 😄 but I'm sure anyone who's ever been chewed up over stepparenting on MN recognises the tropes. The sad thing is that the vitriol eclipses the responses from constructive posters to the point where I suspect a lot of people end up hounded off their own threads.

Omg so right and true! Luckily I have one hell of a job thick skin but the amount of women who aren’t step mothers spouting their bullshit is unreal. I am all up for healthy debate and some will agree with some things some won’t and it’s fine. But the whole agree to disagree theory is never applied. It seems step kids are put on some kind of pedestal. Not in my house and they’re okay. Happy, themselves, learning how to be decent young men and yes I do influence this and have a say because they are in my home. Step parents being told to shut up or feeling they can’t speak. Na. I was taught the power and importance of my voice and I will use it!

Amen. My DSD was already a young adult by the time I came to MN, but I'm glad I never saw the stepparenting hate in the early days when I was trying to find my feet. I won't say I was a perfect stepparent - who is? - but I always tried to be a good and loving one and I think I succeeded. But reading some of the nastiness on the stepparenting boards would have thoroughly discouraged me.

”Some people are just so bloody miserable with their own lot they allow their bitterness to seep into every part of their life including here”

I think this is the crux of the issue.

I think an online anonymous forum is going to attract those people. Especially in this post-covid, post Brexshit, COL crisis world where inequality grows instead of shrinks and where everyone is so damn offended and angry and there’s this ‘pick a side and stick to it at all costs’ mentality we see so often today (especially online).

Social media (all types) encourages such binary black and white thinking and side picking. People get so offended and upset when they perceive someone is ‘on a different side’ to them. I think this breeds the rudeness and nit-picking.

I hear you. I’m not bothered by anything they say. It’s my life I know how it’s looks and feels. Thankfully I have a partner I can be totally open and honest with. He doesn’t always agree or like what he is hearing but 9 times out of 10 he gets on board. It didn’t help that he was a Disney dad but I’m a do this get that and he has seen that my approach is resulting in his boys growing as people as becoming independent and responsible for themselves.now he has seen positives from my ways he is changing how he is parenting. We have a much happier family life now and the boys do too because they have boundaries and consistency. They feel safe as a result.

Sounds like you've done a great job. This is one of the things that always bemuses me on the stepparenting threads, the way certain posters will pile on to an OP if they try to set any rules or boundaries with their stepkids. As you say, kids need some boundaries.

Course they do. And don’t get me wrong it’s bloody hard but yesterday we took them out for some Easter thing. They decorated two eggs each put them in an envelope with both our names on and it said also “to my G (dad) and my dads g” those little moments of acceptance and belonging make it worthwhile 🥰. Obviously I’m still a bitch tho because despite this I have rules and still enjoy them not being around 😂

😄😄

Agree OP. My bugbear is, ‘I wish I had your problems if this is the worst thing you have going on in your life right now!’.

It is just so stupid. Just because someone is focusing on one issue it does not mean that their life is otherwise free of worry. Often it can be quite the opposite. I think less of people who spout that crap. Esp if they think they are being clever by saying it.

What I wonder is why these women with amazing husbands, incredibly well-behaved kids, perfect in-laws, etc, etc, are taking time out of their incredibly fulfilled lives to snipe at strangers in need on a forum created by women to support other women.

Fair point 😄